Hey guys. Forgive me for my long bout of inactivity, but I have a valid excuse. You see, two months ago I was elbow-deep in the most profound and entertaining post to end all posts, when I was contacted by a mysterious gentleman, who told me to meet him down at the local Coffee Trough™. He stated that he had some important information that he needed to relay to me, and me alone, seeing as how most of it would be completely over the head of the average human. After agreeing, on the grounds that it didn’t seem suspicious in the least, I asked how he got my phone number. He said not to worry about it, and that he “knew people”. He also explained to me that there are these big yellow things called “phone books” that you can utilize to obtain that kind of critical classified information. Those G-Men sure are a crafty bunch.
So anyhow, I hopped into my spiffy Toyota Tercel, and slowly sped on down to the aforementioned coffee establishment to meet up with this suit. I walk in and spot the mystery man instantly due to the fact that he’s wearing sunglasses indoors, and only G-men and douche bags wear sunglasses indoors. Douche bags usually don’t wear suits however. They usually opt to wear classy things like polo shirts, Abercrombie & Fitch, and neon-colored dubstep t-shirts. The lack of a spray-on tan and hair gel also gave away that this gentleman was probably a professional of some sort.
I sit down across from him and he proceeds to slide a manilla envelope across the table. It may very well have been some other kind of envelope, but seeing as how I don’t have a deep well of knowledge on the various types of envelopes, I wouldn’t have known any differently. I open the package in front of me only to find a single piece of paper inside. On it was written a single line of text: 9/11 was an inside job. “What the hell is this supposed to mean?” I ask. “It means exactly what it means.” he replies. “You’ve obviously got more than enough time on your hands. Do some research. Look into the matter further. You’ll find the truth”. He then got up and left without another word. Off the the library I went.
So check this out. Remember when 9/11 happened on September 11th, 2001? And also remember how we’re supposed to remember 9/11? Well I’ve been doing a lot of research these past few months. It turns out that there are these things called elephants out there. The thing about these elephants though, is that allegedly, they never forget. Things like birthdays, appointments, locker combinations, and even 9/11s. They remember everything. You don’t even need to say “9/11: Never Forget ©” to an elephant because they remember forever. They don’t even need to see it on a t-shirt, button, mouse pad, key chain, coffee mug, magazine, car decal, Fox News, tote bag, lanyard, refrigerator magnet, poster, memorial coin, post card, liquor flask, CNN, calendar, iphone case, baseball cap, snow globe, truck mudflap, MSNBC, or shot glass, because they always remember it anyway. Elephants remember 9/11s, 24-7.
So moving on, you might also be aware that one of the political cults in the United States, the Demonoclaps, are represented by an elephant. Coincidence? Probably not. Why would you choose a bland-ass elephant as your political spirit animal when you could pick something like a wolverine or a death adder? Elephants don’t do anything except take up a lot of space and remember things like 9/11s. Those don’t even happen all that often, so even that’s not really that big of a deal. So obviously the Demonoclaps must have had something to do with 9/11. The proof is all there. I thought it might involve the other cult, the Replumplicons as well, but their spirit animal is a donkey. Donkeys don’t know anything about anything, let alone 9/11s. So that rules them out.
I know this all might seem like a lot to take in all at once, but the facts are undeniable and irrefutable amongst a slew of other multisyllabic adjectives. That G-man knew what he was doing, coming to me to help unearth the truth of the matter. My researching skills are second to no other researching skills that have been discovered yet. All I ask is that you remember this information, much in the same way that you remember the 9/11s. Except remember this for more than one day out of the year. You can buy coffee mugs and license plate frames if that helps you to remember, but remember to remember that Demonoclaps picked the elephant because elephants always remember to remember 9/11s and that’s why 9/11 happened on 9/11. The chemtrails are the only proof you really need. It’s all right there in front of you, if you would just decide to look with your heart, and stop looking with your eyes.
But anyways… I finally stopped doing hard drugs last week and decided that I should get back to posting things on this site, so here you go. Enjoy.