Judging a Movie by Its Cover

Have you ever heard the idiom “Don’t judge a book by its cover”?  Those are very wise words to live by.  You can’t possibly judge the content of a written work solely by a single arbitrary image.  You ever heard the idiom “Don’t judge a movie by its cover”?  You haven’t?  That’s because it doesn’t exist, Billy.  That’s because you can in fact judge a movie by its cover.  How convenient!  I haven’t seen any of the following movies, but luckily I don’t need to in order to review them.  Because they all have covers.  Here we go!

ParentTrap2

The Parent Trap
More like “The Parent Crap”.  Am I right?  What a horrible movie this is.  Disney put this out?  Where the hell are all the animated spatulas and tube socks?  And two Lindsay Lohans?  Because one future drug-addled train wreck in this movie wasn’t enough?  This movie should be called The Parent Nightmare… having two daughters you have to bail out of jail every 2 weeks.  “Special Double Trouble Edition”?  Yea, no shit.

WorstThatCouldHappen

What’s The Worst That Could Happen
Well for one, a movie could exist starring Martin Lawrence and Danny Devito.  And also… the tag line “It takes a thief to nail a crook” is terrible because it leads me so believe that the movie contains gratuitous midget on midget sex scenes.  For that, I cannot recommend this movie.

NottingHill2

Notting Hill
I’m gonna be honest with you.  This is not(ting) a good movie.  How could any movie possibly be good with cover art that cost $23 to produce.  I can photoshop better crap than this using MS Paint while drunk.  Why is Julia Robert in blue tint instead of color, and more importantly, why is Julia Roberts even in Hollywood movies at all?  She has less acting range than the dog from Air Bud.  Skip this one and rent Dunston Checks In instead.

Junior2

Junior
Another Danny Devito movie.  I’m noticing a theme here.  That theme of course being that Danny Devito has absolutely no standards in his career choices.  He was in Throw Momma From The Train, but a lot of 40-plus year actors have had a 5-star film or two under their belt.  Arnold Schwartzellwegger is apparently pregnant in this movie, but I’m doubtful that it’s going to be the Citizen Kane of the pregnant guy genre. “Nothing is inconceivable”, except how the person who gave this movie the go-ahead survived the amount of drugs they would have had to be on to green-light this movie.

GoodLuckChuck2
Good Luck Chuck
Good luck sitting through this movie, Chuck.  Dane Cook is in this movie?  Great!  Does it contain any dick and doodoo jokes perchance, or does it contain his higher-brow comedic social commentary.  The tagline of this movie is “Sometimes love blows”.  For the life of me, I can’t think of any clever way to spin that.  Luckily one of the other 27 tag lines is “Get ready to get lucky”.  Like getting lucky and having your plane crash after finding out this is going to be the in-flight movie.

Taking Pictures of Art

Why do people insist on taking pictures of art?  What exactly is the purpose of taking pictures of something that will always exist in its current form, unchanged? Do you need proof to show others that you indeed saw that picture in person? Are you afraid that the current situation is the only time you’ll ever be able to witness that particular work of art? Do you not realize that there are plenty of high resolution pictures of the Mona Lisa online that are of far greater quality than the shitty picture you’re more than likely taking?

Your terrible, badly-lit, out-of-focus shots won’t be better than all the professional images that exist out there, accessible to anyone with an internet connection.

I can only guess that people taking pictures of art are fueled by that same subtle narcissism that requires people to collect selfies with every famous person they come into contact with. Sure, these photos could exist to serve as reminders of a particular situation to be reminisced over at some later date, but I have a feeling they’re taken more often than not to elicit attention from a social circle.

Hey everybody. Look at this picture of that painting that I took. I was in this location, and you weren’t. I got to “meet” that guy from Big Bang Theory and you didn’t. Shower me with attention and validation for being in a location that you weren’t at. Give me points on social media for being somewhere at the right time with a camera that takes pictures.

I also wonder just how many people who record video at concerts ever actually rewatch that footage. They certainly aren’t all uploading it to the internet so that everybody can enjoy it. Of the 30 kids holding up their phones at that show, maybe two of them actually upload the video to Youtube. At one show, I legitimately had a girl in front of me holding her phone up, recording another hand holding a phone, because she wasn’t paying attention to what she was recording. What a dummy. Thanks for obscuring my view and taking away from my experience so that you could record unusable footage, you little tard-fest.

In conclusion, people who need to take pictures of everything and record everything with their phones are usually pointless cattle. Not always, but usually.

 

My Vacation Photos.

Hay guys!  I just got back from a vacation to the Congo.  I saw so many great things there.  Luckily I had a camera on me, and took some pictures.  Take a look.  Hope you enjoy them!

Finger Flowers

Look at these flowers!  I think they are endangered or something.  They’re called Sildenafil.  The ancient Romans used to use them to make canoes or something like that.  How cool!

Finger Waterfall

Look at this sweet waterslide!  The tour guide said that the Aborigines built it in 1643 for use as a tourist attraction.  They did a good job, because it attracted me enough to take a photo!  LOL!

Finger Urination

I ran into a native who was on a walkabout.  He appeared to be in a meditative trance.  He was whistling a sweet tune of his home village, and there was a twinkling ethereal sound.  Pretty magical!

Finger Seagull

Look at this crazy bird right here!  Guess he’s some sort of exotic prehistoric Condor or something.  He was striking fear into my heart, but I stood my ground and then he soared off into the sunset.

Finger Windmill

Would you look at this!  I believe it’s some sort of ancient airship building or something.  It landed right next to a bunch of old people and dog poop.  I wonder how many dragons it’s fought?

Finger Groundhog

What on earth is this guy doing?  I think it’s that guy from the Taco Bell commercials, but then he got scared of the airship, and now he’s hiding down in that hole until he can go back to collecting nickels.  ROFLMAO!

Finger Fishtank

Look at all these pretty fish and leaves!  The ocean sure is a beautiful place.  I wish I could live there, but I can’t breathe in the water, and there’s no place to plug my Sega in down there!  Darn it!

Welp, that’s it you guys.  Hope you enjoyed my photos.  Maybe I’ll post more the next time I go on vacation to some exotical location.  Catch you later!

Grading HipHop Lyrics – Drake

Drake Drakinson
Mrs. Wilkinson
Grade 7

F
Started From The Bottom

I done kept it real from the jump
have                         basketball reference?
Living at my mama’s house we’d argue every mornin’
feel free to talk to me about this
Nigga, I was trying to get it on my own
is this referring          get what?
to your mother?

Working all night, traffic on the way home
don’t wait so late to do your homework
And my uncle calling me like “Where ya at?
                                asking         are you
I gave you the keys told ya bring it right back”
                 keys to what?         them
Nigga, I just think it’s funny how it goes
is this referring to               how what goes?
your mother again?

Now I’m on the road, half a million for a show
                        half a million what?
And we…

[Chorus:]
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                       of what?            where?
Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here
                        of what?              a sports reference?   
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                       of what?           where exactly?
Started from the bottom now the whole team here, nigga
                        of what?                                  the mother again?
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                        of what?         in your bedroom?
Started from the bottom now the whole team fucking here,
                        of what?                     is having sexual intercourse
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                        of what?              where?
Started from the bottom now the whole team here nigga
                        of what?               do you play soccer?   

[Verse 2:]
Boys tell stories about the man
                                 what man?
Say I never struggled, wasn’t hungry, yeah, I doubt it, nigga
                                           you doubt you weren’t hungry?
I could turn your boy into the man
                whose boy?         what man?
There ain’t really much I hear that’s poppin’ off without us, nigga
        isn’t                                   balloons?          is this referring to a clown?
We just want the credit where it’s due
there will be extra credit on the quiz
I’m a worry about me, give a fuck about you
going to                 I don’t give a darn
Nigga, just as a reminder to myself
you overuse this word
I wear every single chain, even when I’m in the house
             a prison reference?
Cause we…
Because

[Chorus:]
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                        of what?              where?
Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here
                       of what?                 having sexual relations where?
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                       of what?          where are you at?
Started from the bottom now the whole team here, nigga
                        of what?                           is this your cat’s name?

[Bridge:]
No new niggas, nigga we don’t feel that
   a foster mother?
Fuck a fake friend, where you real friends at?
have sexual                   are your
relations with

We don’t like to do too much explaining
                                          on what topic?
Story stays the same I never changed it
what novel?
No new niggas, nigga we don’t feel that
         too many niggas
Fuck a fake friend, where you real friends at?
have adult                   are your
relations with
We don’t like to do too much explaining
                                  about what exactly?
Story stay the same through the money and the fame
by which author?
Cause we…
Because

[Chorus:]
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                        of what?        locations please?
Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here
                       of what?                 please watch the language
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                       of what?        be more specific
Started from the bottom now the whole team here, nigga
                       of what?           a basketball team?
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                       of what?           in class?
Started from the bottom now my whole team here, nigga
                       of what?          did they make it to the playoffs?
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                       of what?            too vague
Started from the bottom now the whole team here nigga
                       of what?           whereabouts is your team’s location?

Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter #2

I still don’t have a Twitter account, but here are more things I would post if I did that are more funny and/or clever than 99% of what gets posted on Twitter to begin with:

 

1) I saw a Burger King delivery car today. For the first time in my life, I finally feel like the future has arrived.

2) The other day, somebody asked me what I stood for.  I done told em urination.

3) I like to play a game called “Cow giving birth, or Yoko Ono opening her mouth?”

4) If Steve Guttenberg ever opened a restaurant, I’d hope to be able to go in and order a gluten-free Guttenburger.

5) While on a bicycle, speed bumps become taint-detroyers.

6) The best thing about having long hair is people constantly trying to either bum cigarettes off you or sell you weed.

7) I think the Cinderella song “Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)” is probably about running out of toilet paper.

8) Six years ago, I assaulted a man with a chocolate eclair and was charged with delicious wounding.

9) If I lost a dog, I’d list his name as “Gerald The Zombie Destroyer” on the flier, even if I didn’t really believe he could destroy zombies.

10) I like to play a game called “3rd grade poetry, or lyrics to a hit song from the 50’s”.

#Seriously #WhatsThePoint

Miley’s Gone Too Far This Time

I was fine with Miley Cyrus’s shenanigans at the VMAs, but this time she’s gone too far:

Miley Twerk Obama

I can’t help but feel she was interrupting something important.

Miley Twerk Oprah

I mean seriously… I think this was a little uncalled for.

Miley Twerk Pope

Now she’s being downright sacrilegious.

Miley Syria

And this is why we can’t have nice things.

Miley Monument

No Miley!  Stop it!

Photoshops – David Draiman Edition

HELLO THERE.

I CREATED THESE PHOTOSHOPS FOR YOUR VIEWING ENJOYMENT.  THEY COMBINE TWO OF MY FAVORITE THINGS.  CHARACTERS FROM THE HIT CAPCOM FRANCHISE “MEGAMAN”, AND LEAD SINGER OF HIT ROCK BAND “DISTURBED”, DAVID MICHAEL DRAIMAN.  THE COMMON THEME BETWEEN THE TWO, AS YOU CAN PROBABLY DEDUCE, IS THAT THEY BOTH CONTAIN “MAN” IN THEIR NAMES.  IT’S LIKE THE TWO WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER.  EVEN IF THEY WEREN’T MADE FOR EACH OTHER, I MADE THEM CONGEAL INTO MAGICAL CONCOCTIONS NOT UNLIKE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY AND/OR  3RD GRADE AND HEPATITIS B.  I HOPE YOU ENJOY THEM.

</CAPSLOCK>

 

Flameman Draiman

David Flameman

Grenademan Draiman

David Waveman

Waveman Draiman

David Grenademan

Mega Man Draiman

Mini MegaDraiman

I Wrote Some New Bruno Mars Songs!

Hey guys.  I have some great news!  I just cracked the code to Bruno Mars’ songwriting prowess!

You see, what he does is write songs pandering to female sensibilities.  It’s a genre we’ll refer to as “panty drop” from here on out.   It has very little artistic merit outside of making young insecure girls swoon.  It’s the song equivalent of a chick flick.  Nobody sits down and artistically writes a song about how much they want to marry someone else, after all.  Unless they are artistically trying to write a song aimed at a particular demographic that is sure to artistically make them a ton of money.

I wrote these in about 45 minutes, which I’m sure is way longer than it takes Bruno Mars to write 3 songs, but that’s why he makes the big bucks and gets scores of high school girls.

 

That Dress (Doesn’t Make You Look Fat)

I was sitting on the couch the other day
Watching the Young and Restless
She walked into the room
Wearing one of her new dresses
She had a tear in her eye
As she sat by the cat
She was ultra sad
Because she thought she looked fat

[Chorus:]
Girl you’re not fat
You’re the skinniest in the world
So eat whatever you like
There’s no need for you to hurl
And also, I wanna marry you

I went out to Olive Garden
I was eating fettuccini
She sat there all alone
Crying in her linguine
I asked her what was up
She look at me with doe-eyes
Said that she’s not hungry
Cause she’s concerned about her size

[Chorus:]
Girl you’re not fat
You’re the skinniest in the world
So eat whatever you like
There’s no need for you to hurl
And also, I wanna marry you

whoa whoa whoa yeah
yeah yeah (marry you)

[Chorus:]
Girl you’re not fat
You’re the skinniest in the world
So eat whatever you like
There’s no need for you to hurl
And also, I wanna marry you (twice)

whoa yeah whoa
yeah whoa yeah

 

Your Cooking Is The Best (In The Universe)

I like you way the break those eggs
I like the way you make soufflés
I like the way you make foudue
I think I wanna marry you

[Chorus:]
Girl your cookin’ is the best
Everything you make is great
I love your mac and cheese
And you’re perfect in every way

I like the cereal you make
I like everything you bake
Everything about you is perfect
All those other girls are fake

[Chorus:]
Girl your cookin’ is the best
Everything you make is great
I love your grilled cheese sandwiches
And you’re perfect in every way

You’re so amazing
You get my heart racing
I think I wanna marry you
Because of your great baking

[Chorus:]
Girl your cookin’ is the best
Everything you make is great
I love your scrambled eggs
And you’re perfect in every way

whoa whoa whoa
oh oh oh (you’re perfect)
whoa whoa whoa

 

The Notebook is My Favorite Movie Too

Let’s watch a movie, girl
Just you and me
Let’s curl up on the couch
In front of the TV
Don’t want an action movie
Or a comedy
Let’s cry together
Just you and me

[Chorus:]
It’s Friday night
Tell me what you wanna do
Don’t wanna hang out with the guys
Let’s watch The Notebook
Just me and you

So cook up some quiche
And mix up some daiquiris
Grab a box of tissues
Sit on the couch with me
Get under the blanket
Turn on the tube
Let’s do this girl
The Notebook is my favorite movie too

whoa whoa whoa (whoa)
yea yea (Notebook)
whoa whoa whoa (whoa)

[Chorus:]
It’s Friday night
Tell me what you wanna do
Don’t wanna hang out with the guys
Let’s watch The Notebook
Just me and you

yea yea yea
oh oh oh (marry me)
yea yea yea
oh oh oh (you’re perfect)

 

So there you have it.  If you’re reading this, Atlantic Records, you can hire me to ghost write.  I can throw 3 or 4 four chords together and slather on some auto-tune and we’ll be in business.  Let’s strike while the iron’s hot and make some of that easy money.  Hit me up.  PEACE!