Seriously Though. Cassettes?

Emaciated Press  –  September 24 2013

 

Fixed-Gear Records has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. Says founder Stu Gilbert: “I don’t know what happened, man. We had our finger firmly on the pulse of youth culture, and were preparing to ride a wave of success into the future. Then we got stuck with 30,000 cassette resissues. I don’t know what happened. We were 2 weeks away from reissuing Rusted Muffler’s legendary debut album on 8-Track, and were also in talks to press Black Midget’s latest release on 78 RPM. Needless to say, that won’t be happening now.”

Fixed-Gear Records had flourished for nearly 4 years in the heart of downtown Portland near Starbucks franchise #13,867 and the city’s 43rd largest bicycle shop, which served as inspiration for it’s name.  Mr. Gilbert decided to start a record company after getting heavily into vinyl a year prior.  “I, like, loved vinyls, man.  I liked how they had twice as many sides as a CD, but were, like, so much bigger.  Problem is, nowadays kids are all into MP3s and those aren’t even big, and like, they don’t even have any sides.  It’s a friggin’ shame.”

So what’s next for Mr. Gilbert? “I think I’m going become a haberdasher.  Or maybe even a blacksmith.  One of those old-timey professions of some sort.  I wish I was born in 1849.  People back then were so original.” He then proceeded to groom his mustache in a hand-held mirror for the next 10 minutes, and we were left to see ourselves out of the hollowed halls of Fixed-Gear Records.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *