I have to get something off my chesticles. And while it’s true that I could just write all this down in my diary, where it more than likely belongs, I’m going to be brave and choose instead to post in on an internet blog for 14 people to read. Sometimes in life you have to be a maverick and really put it all on the line to bring about change. I wake up every morning in a cloudy bed of sunshine rays, only to have my day turned to a dismal swamp brought on by the oppressive patriarchal society I was born into. You have no idea what it’s like to live in a world where I make less for the work I do [citation needed], a world where I am oppressed sexually [citation needed], a world where my voice isn’t heard [citation needed]. Well thanks to the power of blogger™, my voice can be heard loud and clear.
In this post, I am going to complain enlighten you about a handful of words in the English language that are totally sexist. Men probably invented them all, so what do you expect. It’s common knowledge that the ones who come up with the language tip it in their favor through all sorts of subtle misogyny [citation needed]. So read on and perhaps I can educate you as to the grave injustice in the following words so that I can feed my ego the world will become a better, more enlightened place.
Sunglasses – Excuse me… Hello? When that large glowing ball of light is blinding me, what is it I have to grab and put on my face? Sunglasses? Are you for serious? Or course something a male invented would have a manword in the title. From now on, when the sun is in my eyes, I’m going to put on a pair of daughterglasses. While we’re at at, from now on the Sun shall be known as the Daughter. All in the name of equality. Praise me!
Hysterectomy – Where do I even begin? This word is a medical procedure that only women can have, yet it has “his” right there at the front. This is so typical of the oppressive male dominated medical field. Could anything possibly be more sexist and oppressive? For shame. From this point forward, the word shall be “hersterectomy” instead. You’re welcome world, for all my hard work and sacrifice.
Hymen – Seriously… Men don’t even have a hymen, and yet “men” is right there in the word. Maybe it’s there because men are in control of women’s genitals and productive rights. Well no more I say! From this point forth, the hymen shall be known as the hywomen. Every doctor from this point forth shall make the necessary changes to their medical books or I’ll write an exposé on Salon.com. Praise my humanitarianism!
Hispanic – *sigh* You Latin American-y types have some explaining to do. Last time I checked, half of the population was female, yet your designated ethnonym has “His” in it. That is muy sexista and you should feel muy avergonzado. (that means “ashamed” in Spanish. Come on people, lets try to be a little more respectful of other people’s cultures and learn some other languages.) I propose that in the name of equality, Hispanics from this point forward be called Herspanics. De nada!
Boycott – Of course! Yet another word that men invented to empower men. I think that we need to boycott this word by changing it to “girlcott”. Or perhaps we should “girlcott” this word by changing it to “girlcott”. Wait. I’m confused now. Let’s just consider me a Saint and move on to the next word.
Sonogram – Here we go again. This is so wrong I can’t even… Only women get sonograms, and once again “son” is prominently at the beginning of this word. Men don’t even have children (don’t even get me started) and yet here we have another sexist word. Let’s say a woman gets a sonogram and is blessed to find out she is going to have a daughter and not a son (blech!). Wouldn’t that logically be a daughtergram? So let’s change that word and better the world. You’re welcome.
Sheep – Oh no you didn’t! The term sheep usually refers to mindless people who follow along without question. So why does this offensive word have “she” in it. Shouldn’t we drop that “s” and turn it into heep? Society not changing this word implies that women are mindless followers and that isn’t right. Stop being heeple and drop that “s” in the name of equality.
Herpes – Come on! Really? Scientists (male no doubt) were allowed to name a sexually transmitted disease, and half the word is a pronoun for a woman? Could you be any more obvious? Because women are the cause of all STDs or something? Well I have the cure for this disease. Rename it Hispes, take a little equality, and don’t call me in the morning.
Manhole – Typical. Of course a man is going to name something after his own orifices. I’m surprised flagpoles aren’t called manpoles or something like that. Well luckily for the world I have a solution to this manproblem. We’ll just call them womanholes. Woman holes are the life-giving holes after all. Man holes are just worthless and stupid anyway. Problem solved. I’m great.
Man – The most sexist word of them all. OF COURSE a man would refer to himself as a man. All the words in the English language you could choose to call yourself and you go and pick the most misogynistic one. Fortunately, I have a simple solution to this grave injustice. All you have to do it call yourselves women from now on. Then we can all be equal. Yay me!