buzafazoo – Page 13 – MeatGoblet.com

October 12, 2014November 29, 2015

Monkeys Are Just Really Lazy People.

Growing up, I always thought monkeys were cool. They’re animals, but they’re also kind of like little crazy hairy people too. They have super-strong ‘tard strength, and get to throw their poop at everything without ever getting into any trouble for doing so. How cool is that? I always wanted be a monkey so I could flip over cars and hurl my poopie logs at people’s domes. That sounds like the best life ever.

Now that I’m a fully-fledged adult however, I’ve come to the realization that monkeys are just extremely worthless lazy people. Think about it. Humans and modern monkeys evolved from a common ancestor at some period in the past. Yet look where we are and look where they are. We invented hamburgers, microchips, and Playstation 4. What have monkeys invented? Since throwing poop doesn’t count as an invention, their tally stands at zero. Monkeys haven’t invented a damn thing. Millions of years and they haven’t done shit in all that time. No monkey iPhones or monkey dubstep music. NOTHING.

In a few million years time, humans have become geniuses who have harnessed the powers of the cosmos to create energy, and even leave the Earth to visit other celestial destinations. In the same amount of time, monkeys have gotten better at flinging doodoo and getting humans to dress them in overalls and give them free food. That is literally all they have accomplished. Over a million years have passed and they haven’t even harnessed fire or invented the wheel yet. Think about how long of a time span a million years is. We went from using the horse and buggie to creating vehicles that can achieve speeds greater than mach one in a little over one hundred years time. We’ve gone from using horses to deliver messages taking upwards of two weeks, to being able to text someone instantly via phone in less than 150 years. In a million years, monkeys have gotten 4% better at throwing their shit at things. Attention everybody *clink clink* Can we get a round of applause for the monkeys?

Serious though… If any monkeys are reading this, or if anyone who’s reading this has friends who are monkeys, it’s time to step it up guys. You’ve spent more than enough time sitting around, pooping on yourselves, eating bananas and not doing much else. It’s time to start evolving and getting some work done out there. Invent some stuff already. It doesn’t even need to be anything that involves electronics or complex metal alloys. Figure that whole fire thing out and invent some neat collapsible pots or something. Come up with anything. We’ve got spaceships. You found a stick you use to poke into the ground and get ants. Unacceptable. IT’S BEEN OVER A MILLION YEARS! You can do so much better. So step your game up and start contributing to society for once. Catch you on the flip side.

September 29, 2014October 14, 2014

Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter #7

*CLONK* *CLONK*

Does anybody else hear that?

*CLONK* *CLONK* *CLONK*

Shhh… listen real closely.

*CLONKCLONKCLONKCLONK*

I know exactly what that sound is. A dead horse being ruthlessly beaten once again. The flogging of a deceased farm animal can mean one thing, and one thing only. Time for a filler post! WHEEEEE! Let’s get this over with and move on with our lives.

1) Fun Fact: The Brits are completely unaware that there is a “c” in the word “schedule”. The more you know. (rainbow star)

2) I’m working on a new idea for a sitcom. It involves a white supremacist couple living together in New York. It’s called “Mad About Jews”.

3) I can tell one of my neighbors has OCD, because I hear their car honk at least a dozen times before they finally enter their house.

4) I wonder if Kim Jong-un refers to his mom as “Mahjong”

5) If Jesus had ever said “YOLO!”, it sure would have been ironic.

6) My internet went out for 3 hours yesterday. I now know what it’s like to live in a third world country.

7) Listening to inspirational music only inspires me to get up and put something on that isn’t terrible.

8) If I was a female rapper, I’d probably perform under the alias “Aunt Flow”.

9) Fun Fact: The Brits are completely unaware that there is no “r” in the word “idea”. The more you know. (rainbow star)

10) I like to play a game called: Did this person talking close to my face just drink coffee, or eat a bowl of goblin turds.

#EnoughAlready #PleaseMakeItStop

September 16, 2014October 14, 2014

Racism Is an Illuminati Conspiracy Just Like AIDS

Hey guys. So check this business out. I’ve got some juicy insider information that the g-men in the government don’t want you to know about. You know that racism stuff? Turns out it isn’t even real. It totally doesn’t exist. Neither do entitlement, privilege, and appropriation. They’re all completely made up constructs used to control you. While everybody is worrying about these fake things and getting all butt-hurt and distracted, the government is out doing devious Illuminati things behind our backs. Hear me out…

It’s widely known at this point that Evolutionary Biologists pinpoint Africa to be the origin of humans. That means that all of humanity came from Africa, right? So that means that all humans are of African heritage, right? Humans = Africans. It also means that everyone living in America is an African-American. Everyone with dark skin in America gets labelled African-American regardless of their actual origin, so that means that everyone in America, being African-Americans and all, have dark skin right? Everyone in America is black. See where this is going, Skippy?

So if everyone in America, or anywhere for that matter is black, how can racism even be a thing? Exactly! That shit doesn’t even exist. It’s completely made-up, like the Easter Bunny and global warming. If everyone is the same race, it’s not even possible for people to hate other people based on said race. Do dogs hate other dogs? Hell no, buddy-boy. If dogs hated dogs, that would be self-hate, and dogs can’t be goth. They can’t even be emo for that matter. It’s not even scientifically possible. This was proven in a lab in Denmark in 1884. Check wikipedia.

How’s about white guilt, white privilege, and white entitlement and all those other neat-o budget-blog buzzwords? I don’t really need to explain this any further, do I? Obviously if there are no white people on Earth, how can any of those things even exist? They can’t, little Li Wei from Chengdu. You should probably already know this, being a black man and all. I expected more from you to be quite honest. Saying “white privilege” is just as ridiculous as saying “black non-existence”. Making up stuff that doesn’t exist is what doodoo faces and corrupt agents of the Illuminati engage in.

What about 2014’s hit buzzword “appropriation”? Well… that one still has substance, because it merely means taking someone else’s goodies for your own little grubby self. If you took little gimpy Billy McKringle’s X-Box to keep for your own fun times, you have successfully appropriated that bullshit. There is no race attached to the word unless one of the aforementioned doodoo faces tries to pull a quick one on you in the name of Illuminati diversion. Everyone is the same race, so nothing “belongs” to any specific race. Someone tried to tell me once that anyone who isn’t white is culturally appropriating automobiles by using them, since a white person invented the automobile. I told him that this idea was asinine, being that everybody is black. What even is a white guy? Stop making things up, bro.

So what about this Illuminati? What is their goal in coming up with these mischievous diversions to divide the black citizens of this great nation and cause them to fight amongst themselves? It’s all a part of their master plan. While you’re obsessing over made-up stuff like “fiscal cliffs”, “ebola”, and “Kony2012s”, the Grand Order of the Illuminati Inc.® is busy brainwashing you through chemicals they put in your bean water and secret messages broadcast through your t.v. picture box. You’re just going about your day and you don’t even know you’re under their control. While you’re busy listening to your Kanye rapper guy cassettes, the Illuminati Corporation is selling all the rights of you sweet little ass to the Martian Overlords. The Martians literally own your buttocks and all associated orifices, and you don’t even know it.

So wake up, and forget about all your hipster blogs trying to drum up social injustice and push the Illuminati agenda. All those pseudo-intellectual neck-beards and neck-beardettes were recruited by the Martian Overlords due to their non-threatening, highly-gullible nature. They pose absolutely no threat of uprising in the eyes of the Illuminati, so they became the messengers of disinformation. Also, stop watching the t.v. picture box and drinking the tainted bean water. If you keep on ingesting all the myriad forms of mind-control they’re feeding you, you become far more susceptible to buying into the neck-beard dispensed propaganda. Stop being sheep, people! Stop being… sheeple. Hey… I like the sound of that. I’ll have to look into trademarking that term.

September 11, 2014November 29, 2015

Never Forget.

It seems like only yesterday. Life seemed so new and full of innocence back then. Then, in the blink of an eye, everything changed. Life can be a cruel mistress sometimes. But in the face of adversity, we have to be able to pick up the pieces and persevere. Life is fragile, but we have to be strong and move on with our lives.

You never think these types of things could ever happen in a million years. Then the world comes crashing down around you and you find it hard to see how you could possibly go on. But you do, because you know that tomorrow will be a better day.

I miss you more and more everyday Corey Haim.

August 22, 2014October 14, 2014

New Government Holidays

Hey everybody. You know how people who have government jobs work so much and rarely have days off or vacations? It’s pretty crappy, huh? Well fret not, as a few bills have recently been inked up by the U.S. House of Representatives, another busy, hard-working division of the government, which aim to correct this gross injustice. The new bills would ensure that those hardworking individuals in cut-throat professions, like DMV clickety-clackers, Post Office object weighers, and Senatorial tax-money-user-uppers receive that much needed time off that most non-government jobs are afforded in abundance. Below is a partial list of some of the potential new government holidays:

Rainbow Trout Appreciation Day
Wednesday
Minimal Labor Day
Carrot Top’s Birthday
Mongoose Day
Colon Awareness Day
Christmas Eve Eve
Christmas Eve Eve Eve
Thanksgiving Eve
Plastic Spoon Day
Decent Thursday
Cuatro De Mayo
Seis De Mayo
Jar of Mayo
Pauly Shore’s Birthday
North Korean New Year
Taco Tuesday
Enchilada Monday
Cheesy Gordita Friday
Hardly Labor Day
Grandma’s Day
Herbert Hoover Day
Millard Fillmore Day
Shark Week
Armchair Day
North Dakota Day
Papercut Safety Week
Leif Garret Day
Testicle Tuesday
Barely Qualifiable As Labor Day
Floppy Jowl Day
Measles Awareness Month
Government Job Appreciation Week

August 7, 2014November 5, 2018

Passive Agressive Blog Posts

Know what annoys me? Those passive aggressive blog posts that people love to champion all over facebook and other social media platforms. The ones where somebody had a negative interaction with some other member of society, and instead of actually handling it in person, they go home and write up a spineless blog post directed at that person.

You aren’t winning a battle by burying your head in the sand during a conflict, only to write an anonymous note to your antagonist(s) later on. I can’t help but feel that all the attention these posts get comes from other people who are also passive/aggressive conflict avoiders.

I tend to try to avoid unnecessary conflict as well, but if I write a post about something or someone that annoys me, I do it in a humorous nature, and not a self-aggrandizing pretentious manner. I do it for entertainment, and not out of self-righteousness. If you avoided a conflict in the real world, that moment has passed. You missed out on your big Braveheart moment. You aren’t the bigger person for airing out your grievances from the comfort of your computer chair two days later.

If the person next to you on the subway is breathing too hard for your liking, let them know in person. That way, they can call you a dummy and tell you to mind your gosh-darn business to your face. Then maybe you’ll learn to stop being such an entitled whiner and realize that the planet doesn’t bend to your every whim.

Life is full of conflict. Learn to deal with it, and stop airing out your petty grievances on social media so your weenie friends can give you some thumbs-up clicks to make you feel like you actually made a difference. You didn’t.

August 4, 2014November 29, 2015

Blog Post Con Limón

So hey. Check this out. The other day I was in dire need to things to stuff in my gullet for sustenance, so I decided to hoof it on down to the local grocery shoppe. I’m all wandering to and fro through all the bountiful aisles of foodstuffs, when I hit the international isle. I’m looking at all the fancy and exotic legumes, sauces, and packages with anime cats on them, when something catches my eyeball. It’s the Mexican food section. I notice almost immediately that every single item in the section has lime in it. EVERYTHING. There were cans of chili with lime, bags of chips with lime, even jars of mayonnaise with lime. I was all like “¡¿Que chingados, ese?!”

I proceed to go about living my life as usual, but I had a serious case of lime on the brain. Lime was on my mind, and I was seeing lime in all sorts or places where I had completely failed to notice it before. It seems that absolutely everything out there has a lime variant these days. But don’t take my word for it. I conveniently snapped some photographic evidence since that type of stuff is worth a bunch or words and whatnot.

Did you know that they had Spam with a hint of lime? I had no idea. But here is photographic evidence on the internet, so it’s gotta be real. I think you can only get this in Guatemala for some reason. Guess they like their Spam over there, but it just wasn’t citrus-y enough in stock form.

Milk with lime? That sure sounds gross. But somebody somewhere must like it, because here it is. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t come out of the cow with lime in it. The milk factory probably takes care of that feature. Either way, I’m sure as hell not gonna drink it.

Seriously? Starbucks is putting lime in coffee now? Like they didn’t offer enough redundant, pointless varieties of the exact same thing already. Guess coffee folks will drink just about anything, including lime, in their hoity-toity bean water.

For the love of Jeebus. Did we really need toothpaste with a hint of lime? Were fresh mint, bubble gum, and bacon flavors not enough? It’s not even food. It’s paste. What’s next? Lime flavored glue? Moving on…

Peanut butter con limón? ¡Hijo de puta! Why did peanut butter need lime in it? It’s stupid enough to mix nasty lumpy jelly in with peanut butter, but this really takes the cake. A cake without lime added to it I might add. Though I’m sure that exists somewhere too.

July 21, 2014November 29, 2015

The DMV Is Great

I absolutely love the DMV. What a cheerful, friendly, efficient place to spend the day. It’s like going to Disneyland, but with more joy and laughter, and you don’t even need to pay to get through the front doors. There are so many reasons to love this establishment. Where do I even start?

For starters, they are conveniently located all over the place, so there is never a line. Efficient. Imagine if there were only one McDonald’s every 10 miles. The lines would be insane and it would take forever to get your hamburgers and crispy potato treats. What a nightmare that would be for your sweet little noggin bits. Luckily the DMV knows what’s up and had the foresight to build enough branches as to avoid this problem completely. This is one of myriad reasons why everybody loves the DMV so much.

Secondly, the DMV is the least confusing establishment of all time to deal with. Confusion is something that completely doesn’t exist within the DMV universe. You know exactly what steps you need to go through before you even show up, and you never end up paying all sorts of arbitrary fees and payments after you’re there. Nobody shows up to the DMV not knowing that they need to bring seven forms with them and that they were supposed to have paid 3 different fees prior to even being there. Clear and concise is what they strive for over there.

On the tertiary tip, in addition to the complete lack of unnecessary attitude, all the employees are all on same page at all times. Employee #1 may tell you something, and guess what? Employee #2 and #3 will tell you the exact same thing. No confusing misdirection going on under this roof. What mystery fee am I supposed to pay that was not clearly explained anywhere on the face of Earth? What random procedure do I need to go through in order to pay some exorbitant tax just so that I can go to my job and make a living? DON’T WORRY! EVERYONE AT THE DMV KNOWS! ALL OF THEM! CLEAR AND CONCISE! CONFUSION? WHAT IS THAT EVEN? STOP MAKING STUFF UP, DUDE!

Hold up. This post is really dumb, and I regret even committing to it beyond the second paragraph. I’m still going to publish it anyway. My apologies.

P.S. Here is a new logo for the DMV that I made that I also regret committing more than 5 minutes on creating, but hey… you win some and you lose some. Mostly things are being lost though. Once again, forgive me.