New Government Holidays

Hey everybody.  You know how people who have government jobs work so much and rarely have days off or vacations?  It’s pretty crappy, huh?  Well fret not, as a few bills have recently been inked up by the U.S. House of Representatives, another busy, hard-working division of the government, which aim to correct this gross injustice.  The new bills would ensure that those hardworking individuals in cut-throat professions, like DMV clickety-clackers, Post Office object weighers, and Senatorial tax-money-user-uppers receive that much needed time off that most non-government jobs are afforded in abundance.  Below is a partial list of some of the potential new government holidays:

 

Rainbow Trout Appreciation Day
Wednesday
Minimal Labor Day
Carrot Top’s Birthday
Mongoose Day
Colon Awareness Day
Christmas Eve Eve
Christmas Eve Eve Eve
Thanksgiving Eve
Plastic Spoon Day
Decent Thursday
Cuatro De Mayo
Seis De Mayo
Jar of Mayo
Pauly Shore’s Birthday
North Korean New Year
Taco Tuesday
Enchilada Monday
Cheesy Gordita Friday
Hardly Labor Day
Grandma’s Day
Herbert Hoover Day
Millard Fillmore Day
Shark Week
Armchair Day
North Dakota Day
Papercut Safety Week
Leif Garret Day
Testicle Tuesday
Barely Qualifiable As Labor Day
Floppy Jowl Day
Measles Awareness Month
Government Job Appreciation Week

Grading HipHop Lyrics – Rick Ross

Ricky Ross
Mrs. Trifleton
Grade 4

D_Minus
                                                                              911

[Verse 1:]
Fuck all these broke niggas cause all I do is ball
have sexual congress with                          basketball?
Ain’t no more off days, my crib look like a mall
There aren’t any more         what do babies have to do with this?
Fired the stylist, went and bought a big and tall
Was she Korean?                       A big and tall what, exactly?
Niggas still scheming, but we sliding on ’em all!
elaborate on these “niggas”        is this about a water park?
I remember picking watermelons
I think you’re remembering incorrectly
Now the Porsche cost me a quarter million!
                                 $27,324 isn’t a quarter million
If I die tonight I know I’m coming back nigga
                      are you implying that you’re Jesus?
Reincarnated: big black fat nigga!
         Jesus wasn’t fat or black

[Chorus:]
I bow my head, I pray to God
            are you about to eat again?
Survival of the fittest: help me hold my chopper lord!
                                        you own a helicopter?
If I die today, on the highway to heaven
                  I don’t believe you were on that show
Can I let my top down in my 911?
      please keep your top on, Rick
In my 911?
never forget
In my 911?
never forget
In my 911?
never forget
In my 911?
never forget
Financial fanatic, 40 bricks in my attic
        did you buy these from Home Depot?
400K in my baggage, 80 round automatic
It’s actually called a 401k
You can’t stop a bullet, this one for the money
                                      you seem to be very materialistic
Secret indictments, Porsche costs me 200
                                   I thought it cost a quarter million?

[Verse 2:]

Fuck your investigation, started my elevation
                 you should probably take the stairs once in a while
Cherry red 911 straight to my destination
     try not to forget this
Mayweather got a fight, make me some reservations
         is this a fight with weight problems?
Knew I flew private nigga, strapped with no hesitations
      is this “private nigga” an investigator?
Gucci Pucci money long, he got 20 cars
    this isn’t even a real thing
Graduated from them blocks, now it’s stocks and bonds
  do you have a diploma from this “blocks”
Hoes wanna know, hoes wanna show
    what do these “hoes” wanna know exactly?
They know a nigga’s name, they know a nigga’s strong
                                                   fat and strong aren’t synonyms
Fuck with me!
   no thank you

[Chorus:]
I bow my head, I pray to God
         exercise works better than prayer
Survival of the fittest: help me hold my chopper lord!
                    fattest
If I die today, on the highway to heaven
  eating healthy leads to a longer life
Can I let my top down in my 911?
  don’t take your top off anywhere
In my 911?
never forget
In my 911?
never forget
In my 911?
never forget
In my 911?
never forget

[Verse 3:]
When I climb on top, I say I’m into you
  you probably shouldn’t climb on top of anything
A lot of chickens in the coupe; cock-a-doodle-doo
   this sounds healthier than donuts
I fucked the secretary, fuck the interview
     right after you filed your TPS reports?
If I was in the NBA, I’d hoop in Gucci tennis shoes
                         pretty sure that’s against NBA guidelines
Chopper spray like antihistamines
   I have no idea what any of this means
Triple beam, Versace swag on creatine
           one of those is clothing, the other is a suppliment
When I left the lot, I spent a half a milli
                     which half of Milli Vanilli?  Rob or Fab?
When I pulled up to your spot, I had a half a ceiling
                              you shouldn’t be out during a hurricane
Got your bitch with me, trying to suck up
         lady friend                     milk shakes?
I don’t trust my chauffeur, so shut the fuck up
   maybe the two of you should talk this out
Uh, the new chopper hold a hundred rounds
    you are really fixated on helicopters
When I park on the curb, the grill look like Bobby Brown
     this could get you a ticket

Judging a Movie by Its Cover

Have you ever heard the idiom “Don’t judge a book by its cover”?  Those are very wise words to live by.  You can’t possibly judge the content of a written work solely by a single arbitrary image.  You ever heard the idiom “Don’t judge a movie by its cover”?  You haven’t?  That’s because it doesn’t exist, Billy.  That’s because you can in fact judge a movie by its cover.  How convenient!  I haven’t seen any of the following movies, but luckily I don’t need to in order to review them.  Because they all have covers.  Here we go!

ParentTrap2

The Parent Trap
More like “The Parent Crap”.  Am I right?  What a horrible movie this is.  Disney put this out?  Where the hell are all the animated spatulas and tube socks?  And two Lindsay Lohans?  Because one future drug-addled train wreck in this movie wasn’t enough?  This movie should be called The Parent Nightmare… having two daughters you have to bail out of jail every 2 weeks.  “Special Double Trouble Edition”?  Yea, no shit.

WorstThatCouldHappen

What’s The Worst That Could Happen
Well for one, a movie could exist starring Martin Lawrence and Danny Devito.  And also… the tag line “It takes a thief to nail a crook” is terrible because it leads me so believe that the movie contains gratuitous midget on midget sex scenes.  For that, I cannot recommend this movie.

NottingHill2

Notting Hill
I’m gonna be honest with you.  This is not(ting) a good movie.  How could any movie possibly be good with cover art that cost $23 to produce.  I can photoshop better crap than this using MS Paint while drunk.  Why is Julia Robert in blue tint instead of color, and more importantly, why is Julia Roberts even in Hollywood movies at all?  She has less acting range than the dog from Air Bud.  Skip this one and rent Dunston Checks In instead.

Junior2

Junior
Another Danny Devito movie.  I’m noticing a theme here.  That theme of course being that Danny Devito has absolutely no standards in his career choices.  He was in Throw Momma From The Train, but a lot of 40-plus year actors have had a 5-star film or two under their belt.  Arnold Schwartzellwegger is apparently pregnant in this movie, but I’m doubtful that it’s going to be the Citizen Kane of the pregnant guy genre. “Nothing is inconceivable”, except how the person who gave this movie the go-ahead survived the amount of drugs they would have had to be on to green-light this movie.

GoodLuckChuck2
Good Luck Chuck
Good luck sitting through this movie, Chuck.  Dane Cook is in this movie?  Great!  Does it contain any dick and doodoo jokes perchance, or does it contain his higher-brow comedic social commentary.  The tagline of this movie is “Sometimes love blows”.  For the life of me, I can’t think of any clever way to spin that.  Luckily one of the other 27 tag lines is “Get ready to get lucky”.  Like getting lucky and having your plane crash after finding out this is going to be the in-flight movie.

Grading HipHop Lyrics – Drake

Drake Drakinson
Mrs. Wilkinson
Grade 7

F
Started From The Bottom

I done kept it real from the jump
have                         basketball reference?
Living at my mama’s house we’d argue every mornin’
feel free to talk to me about this
Nigga, I was trying to get it on my own
is this referring          get what?
to your mother?

Working all night, traffic on the way home
don’t wait so late to do your homework
And my uncle calling me like “Where ya at?
                                asking         are you
I gave you the keys told ya bring it right back”
                 keys to what?         them
Nigga, I just think it’s funny how it goes
is this referring to               how what goes?
your mother again?

Now I’m on the road, half a million for a show
                        half a million what?
And we…

[Chorus:]
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                       of what?            where?
Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here
                        of what?              a sports reference?   
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                       of what?           where exactly?
Started from the bottom now the whole team here, nigga
                        of what?                                  the mother again?
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                        of what?         in your bedroom?
Started from the bottom now the whole team fucking here,
                        of what?                     is having sexual intercourse
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                        of what?              where?
Started from the bottom now the whole team here nigga
                        of what?               do you play soccer?   

[Verse 2:]
Boys tell stories about the man
                                 what man?
Say I never struggled, wasn’t hungry, yeah, I doubt it, nigga
                                           you doubt you weren’t hungry?
I could turn your boy into the man
                whose boy?         what man?
There ain’t really much I hear that’s poppin’ off without us, nigga
        isn’t                                   balloons?          is this referring to a clown?
We just want the credit where it’s due
there will be extra credit on the quiz
I’m a worry about me, give a fuck about you
going to                 I don’t give a darn
Nigga, just as a reminder to myself
you overuse this word
I wear every single chain, even when I’m in the house
             a prison reference?
Cause we…
Because

[Chorus:]
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                        of what?              where?
Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here
                       of what?                 having sexual relations where?
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                       of what?          where are you at?
Started from the bottom now the whole team here, nigga
                        of what?                           is this your cat’s name?

[Bridge:]
No new niggas, nigga we don’t feel that
   a foster mother?
Fuck a fake friend, where you real friends at?
have sexual                   are your
relations with

We don’t like to do too much explaining
                                          on what topic?
Story stays the same I never changed it
what novel?
No new niggas, nigga we don’t feel that
         too many niggas
Fuck a fake friend, where you real friends at?
have adult                   are your
relations with
We don’t like to do too much explaining
                                  about what exactly?
Story stay the same through the money and the fame
by which author?
Cause we…
Because

[Chorus:]
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                        of what?        locations please?
Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here
                       of what?                 please watch the language
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                       of what?        be more specific
Started from the bottom now the whole team here, nigga
                       of what?           a basketball team?
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                       of what?           in class?
Started from the bottom now my whole team here, nigga
                       of what?          did they make it to the playoffs?
Started from the bottom now we’re here
                       of what?            too vague
Started from the bottom now the whole team here nigga
                       of what?           whereabouts is your team’s location?