Category: Rant

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Racism Is an Illuminati Conspiracy Just Like AIDS

Hey guys.  So check this business out.  I’ve got some juicy insider information that the g-men in the government don’t want you to know about.  You know that racism stuff?  Turns out it isn’t even real.  It totally doesn’t exist.  Neither do entitlement, privilege, and appropriation.  They’re all completely made up constructs used to control you.  While everybody is worrying about these fake things and getting all butt-hurt and distracted, the government is out doing devious Illuminati things behind our backs.  Hear me out…

It’s widely known at this point that Evolutionary Biologists pinpoint Africa to be the origin of humans.  That means that all of humanity came from Africa, right?  So that means that all humans are of African heritage, right?  Humans = Africans.  It also means that everyone living in America is an African-American.  Everyone with dark skin in America gets labelled African-American regardless of their actual origin, so that means that everyone in America, being African-Americans and all, have dark skin right?  Everyone in America is black.  See where this is going, Skippy?

So if everyone in America, or anywhere for that matter is black, how can racism even be a thing?  Exactly!  That shit doesn’t even exist.  It’s completely made-up, like the Easter Bunny and global warming.  If everyone is the same race, it’s not even possible for people to hate other people based on said race.  Do dogs hate other dogs?  Hell no, buddy-boy.  If dogs hated dogs, that would be self-hate, and dogs can’t be goth. They can’t even be emo for that matter.  It’s not even scientifically possible.  This was proven in a lab in Denmark in 1884.  Check wikipedia.

How’s about white guilt, white privilege, and white entitlement and all those other neat-o budget-blog buzzwords?  I don’t really need to explain this any further, do I?  Obviously if there are no white people on Earth, how can any of those things even exist?  They can’t, little Li Wei from Chengdu.  You should probably already know this, being a black man and all.  I expected more from you to be quite honest.  Saying “white privilege” is just as ridiculous as saying “black non-existence”.  Making up stuff that doesn’t exist is what doodoo faces and corrupt agents of the Illuminati engage in.

What about 2014’s hit buzzword “appropriation”?  Well… that one still has substance, because it merely means taking someone else’s goodies for your own little grubby self.  If you took little gimpy Billy McKringle’s X-Box to keep for your own fun times, you have successfully appropriated that bullshit.  There is no race attached to the word unless one of the aforementioned doodoo faces tries to pull a quick one on you in the name of Illuminati diversion.  Everyone is the same race, so nothing “belongs” to any specific race.  Someone tried to tell me once that anyone who isn’t white is culturally appropriating automobiles by using them, since a white person invented the automobile.  I told him that this idea was asinine, being that everybody is black.  What even is a white guy?  Stop making things up, bro.

So what about this Illuminati?  What is their goal in coming up with these mischievous diversions to divide the black citizens of this great nation and cause them to fight amongst themselves?  It’s all a part of their master plan.  While you’re obsessing over made-up stuff like “fiscal cliffs”, “ebola”, and “Kony2012s”, the Grand Order of the Illuminati Inc.® is busy brainwashing you through chemicals they put in your bean water and secret messages broadcast through your t.v. picture box.  You’re just going about your day and you don’t even know you’re under their control.  While you’re busy listening to your Kanye rapper guy cassettes, the Illuminati Corporation is selling all the rights of you sweet little ass to the Martian Overlords.  The Martians literally own your buttocks and all associated orifices, and you don’t even know it.

So wake up, and forget about all your hipster blogs trying to drum up social injustice and push the Illuminati agenda.  All those pseudo-intellectual neck-beards and neck-beardettes were recruited by the Martian Overlords due to their non-threatening, highly-gullible nature.  They pose absolutely no threat of uprising in the eyes of the Illuminati, so they became the messengers of disinformation.  Also, stop watching the t.v. picture box and drinking the tainted bean water.  If you keep on ingesting all the myriad forms of mind-control they’re feeding you, you become far more susceptible to buying into the neck-beard dispensed propaganda.  Stop being sheep, people!  Stop being… sheeple.  Hey… I like the sound of that.  I’ll have to look into trademarking that term.

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Passive Agressive Blog Posts

Know what annoys me? Those passive aggressive blog posts that people love to champion all over facebook and other social media platforms. The ones where somebody had a negative interaction with some other member of society, and instead of actually handling it in person, they go home and write up a spineless blog post directed at that person.

You aren’t winning a battle by burying your head in the sand during a conflict, only to write an anonymous note to your antagonist(s) later on. I can’t help but feel that all the attention these posts get comes from other people who are also passive/aggressive conflict avoiders.

I tend to try to avoid unnecessary conflict as well, but if I write a post about something or someone that annoys me, I do it in a humorous nature, and not a self-aggrandizing pretentious manner. I do it for entertainment, and not out of self-righteousness. If you avoided a conflict in the real world, that moment has passed. You missed out on your big Braveheart moment. You aren’t the bigger person for airing out your grievances from the comfort of your computer chair two days later.

If the person next to you on the subway is breathing too hard for your liking, let them know in person. That way, they can call you a dummy and tell you to mind your gosh-darn business to your face. Then maybe you’ll learn to stop being such an entitled whiner and realize that the planet doesn’t bend to your every whim.

Life is full of conflict. Learn to deal with it, and stop airing out your petty grievances on social media so your weenie friends can give you some thumbs-up clicks to make you feel like you actually made a difference. You didn’t.

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The DMV Is Great

I absolutely love the DMV.  What a cheerful, friendly, efficient place to spend the day.  It’s like going to Disneyland, but with more joy and laughter, and you don’t even need to pay to get through the front doors.  There are so many reasons to love this establishment.  Where do I even start?

For starters, they are conveniently located all over the place, so there is never a line.  Efficient.  Imagine if there were only one McDonald’s every 10 miles.  The lines would be insane and it would take forever to get your hamburgers and crispy potato treats.  What a nightmare that would be for your sweet little noggin bits.  Luckily the DMV knows what’s up and had the foresight to build enough branches as to avoid this problem completely.  This is one of myriad reasons why everybody loves the DMV so much.

Secondly, the DMV is the least confusing establishment of all time to deal with.  Confusion is something that completely doesn’t exist within the DMV universe.  You know exactly what steps you need to go through before you even show up, and you never end up paying all sorts of arbitrary fees and payments after you’re there.  Nobody shows up to the DMV not knowing that they need to bring seven forms with them and that they were supposed to have paid 3 different fees prior to even being there.  Clear and concise is what they strive for over there.

On the tertiary tip, in addition to the complete lack of unnecessary attitude, all the employees are all on same page at all times.  Employee #1 may tell you something, and guess what?  Employee #2 and #3 will tell you the exact same thing.  No confusing misdirection going on under this roof.  What mystery fee am I supposed to pay that was not clearly explained anywhere on the face of Earth?  What random procedure do I need to go through in order to pay some exorbitant tax just so that I can go to my job and make a living?  DON’T WORRY!  EVERYONE AT THE DMV KNOWS!  ALL OF THEM!  CLEAR AND CONCISE!  CONFUSION?  WHAT IS THAT EVEN?  STOP MAKING STUFF UP, DUDE!

Hold up.  This post is really dumb, and I regret even committing to it beyond the second paragraph. I’m still going to publish it anyway.  My apologies.

P.S. Here is a new logo for the DMV that I made that I also regret committing more than 5 minutes on creating, but hey…  you win some and you lose some.  Mostly things are being lost though.  Once again, forgive me.

DMV Logo

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Petitions. Please Stop Already.

Know what I really love?  Internet petitions.  I mean… think about it.  What better way is there to stand up for injustice and really get behind a cause than taking 3 seconds to click a button on a website, then going back to posting about Kei$ha on facebook.  You’re doing so much without ever really doing anything at all.

Internet petitions are the type of thing that could only have been created in America, where we have it so good, that fighting for a cause can be accomplished in under 10 seconds.  No standing in front of tanks for us, thank you very much.  Die or face persecution for what I believe in?  Geeze… that sounds dangerous. I’d rather not.  Can I just hashtag something instead?  #yolo.

Can you imagine how much success Martin Luther King Jr. would have had if the extent of his activism had been getting people to sign internet petitions?  “Hey guys.  It’s like, not cool that we don’t have, like, equal rights and are treated as second-class citizens and whatnot.  Click this facebook link I’ve sent you so that we can, like, make a difference in the world (smiley face emoticon).  But what do I know.  Maybe that approach would have worked too.

What if the leaders of the free world had collected signatures during World War II in order to get Hitler to cut out all that nonsense.  “Hey Poland.  Hey Great Britain.  What’s up France.  This Hitler guy is a total bummer, what with all the people killing, and antisemitism and whatnot.  I’m sending you a link on twitter.  Maybe you can pass it along to all your friends, and with enough signatures, maybe we can get the government to pass a law making genocide illegal.  Thanks!  #NoHitler #StopKillingJews #SeriouslyThough.”

It’s commendable that people want to do good and stand up in the face of injustice, but doing something that takes virtually no time or committment at all is usually not the way that problems get solved.  If this were the case, every problem in the world would have been solved rather quickly after it’s inception.  World hunger?  We fixed that with an online petition!  Remember when cancer was a problem?  Thankfully somebody started an online petition for that too.  End racism: sign this petition today!

In closing, I’m going to avoid providing any direct solutions or creative criticism as to how one could better go about the process of actually bringing about change.  That is up to you to figure out via soul searching and looking deep within your own heart.  Or perhaps I just wanted to plop out a pessimistic post about something annoying from facebook culture and I myself am also part of the problem due to my own rampant apathy.  #Kony2012.

 

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Don’t Be That Guy (And/Or Girl)

Hey there.  Ya like going to see live concerts?  Hell yea.  They’re a great time.  Do you also like holding your phone up for 2/3rds of the show?  You do?  In that case, do me a favor and ROT IN HELL, YOU LITTLE A-HOLE.

Here’s the thing… I know it’s neat-o that you have a phone that has the ability to take photos and video, but that doesn’t mean that you need to photograph and record practically everything at all times. First off, more likely than not, you shoot incompetently terrible video footage and photos that are borderline unviewable to anyone other than yourself.  You probably don’t actually know how to frame a shot correctly, make the most of the available lighting, or even realize that the audio from a 120 dB rock concert is going to be unlistenable if you recorded it on your obnoxious little phone.  Realistically, if you actually knew how to record, you wouldn’t be doing it on a cellphone, but rather, would have used some sort of actual quality recording device.  And while we’re on the topic, stop using flash when taking pictures at a concert.  If you’re like 50 feet away from the band, it’s doing nothing but making everybody around you wish that you’d keel over from taint cancer.  Unless you’re trying to get good lighting on the first few rows of the crowd’s heads in front of you, in which case, still contract dysentery, crawl up a clown’s butthole, and die.  If you’re not Ansel Adams, stop taking 9000 photos at concerts, you little mouth breather.  Thanks!

Secondly, more than likely, all the photos and video you shot are just going to sit around on a hard drive, where neither you nor anyone else will ever actually view them again.  If you are actually going to DO something with the footage you take, it’s one thing, but don’t obscure an audience’s view of a show just so that you can have a few sub-par keepsakes.  Assuming you didn’t hold your phone oriented in “I Have No Idea What I’m Doing” mode, i.e. vertically, even lackluster video is fine as long as you actually post it somewhere for other people to see.  Judging by the sheer number of people who actually record at shows verses the content that actually shows up online, this seldom seems to be the case.  In short, unless you’re George Lucus, stop shooting video at shows or else I’ll tornado punch your face into a diarrhea forest.

I was at a show recently, and a girl in front of me was holding her phone up for most of the show.  The problem was, as seems to be the case more often than not with these kids, she had no idea how to properly take usable video.  She was holding the phone horizontally, then switching to holding it vertically to better frame the show, as if she were taking photographs.  This is obviously a problem, because she’s spending the whole show obscuring the view of paying patrons behind her, all the while taking video footage that is going to be completely unwatchable.  At one point I looked over, and she was holding the phone over her head to get a higher unobscured shot, except that she was inadvertantly shooting video of someone else’s camera filming the show.  She did this for at least half the show.  Now imagine like two dozen people in a crowd doing this, and you’ll understand while a lot of these kids need to be napalmed and then slapped in the nipples with a trout covered in Tabasco sauce.  I mean that in a threatening way, not a kinky way.

In short, if you’re going to a show to hold your camera up the entire time, please don’t in actuality.  Don’t hold your camera up and also don’t even be there.  Stay home and finish collecting your Pokemons and watching Spongebob, or whatever it is you little numbnuts do these days.  Thanks for understanding!  Smiley face. 🙂 🙂 🙂

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Please Stop Doing That

It’s come to my attention as of late that there are certain things going on out in the world that are going to need to cease and desist starting immediately.  These are things that you need to stop doing, less because they are annoying to me, and more so because doing them makes you a terrible person.  So listen up, and make the necessary changes, or pay the consequences.

 

Stop posting pictures of food on social media

For the life of me, I can’t understand why people even do this.  Do you consider it an accomplishment that you are about to eat food?  You do know that literally everybody eats food, right?  But as you’ve probably noticed, not everyone feels the need to take pictures of what they are about to eat, then take the time to post said pictures online.  You know who doesn’t take pictures of food they are about to eat?  Starving children in third world countries.  They simply eat and enjoy food when they have it, and don’t need to boast, gloat, and try to glean attention out of other people before doing so.  Also, for the record, absolutely nobody cares about the fact that you are about to eat a steak.  Anyone who gives you attention for posting food pictures is merely buttering you up (zing!) because you also give attention to their largely pointless cry-for attention posts. Cease engaging in this activity immediately, or feel the wraith of a thousand Hadoukens to the taint-region.

 

Stop saying film remakes are “inspired by” the original

What’s that you say?  The American horror movie “The Ring” was influenced by the Japanese horror movie “Ringu (The Ring)”?  The last time I checked, if you remake a film in a different market, the more recent film is still considered a remake.  You’ll see this all the time when a foreign film is remade into a half-assed Hollywood re-hash.  What usually happens is that the original film gets picked up released by an American distributor with a blurb about how it “inspired” the garbage remake.  It’s almost as if they expect you to believe that some writer watched the foreign film and felt inspired to sit down and write a script in the same vein as the original.  What really happened however, is that somebody noticed that a foreign film was doing well, then took that info to some producer who got the green light to produce a quick thoughtless cash-in.  Do yourself a favor, and whenever you see that a movie “inspired” a more recent one, watch the original instead.

 

Stop spelling your as “yr”

Alright… we get it.  You listened to a lot of Sonic Youth, or indie bands who listened to Sonic Youth and are an overwhelmingly original and creative individual, who completely avoids following convention and lives a dangerous life of non-conformity.  The problem is, that in the 80’s when Sonic Youth were doing it, or even in the 90’s when all those other bands started doing it, it was still precious and cutesy to use “yr” instead of “your”.  In the current era however, it makes you look like just another lackey who slept through English class and now unnecessarily shortens every other word in order to exude the air of not caring at all about looking educated.  Kids in school nowadays can barely spell to any passably degree, and the last thing they need is educated people misspelling things to look hip and cool.  And while we’re on the topic of grammar, stop spelling things using numbers and single letters in place of words.  You might be just like your mother, but you aren’t Prince.

 

Stop doing that “heart-hand” thing

This is another one of those things that people do when they’re desperately trying to be as precious and cutesy as possible.  I know you’ve seen it a dozen times before, and if it doesn’t make you want to suplex somebody’s face into a bowl full of brass tacks, there is something seriously wrong with you.  It’s almost as if it’s a gang sign someone busts out to signify that they don’t want to be taken seriously on any level.  It’s one of those atrociously over-used photography tropes that desperately needs to die off as soon as possible.  It stopped being creative exactly four months after it started being over-used, which was in 1943 if I’m not mistaken.  The main problem with the gesture is that there is absolutely no meaning behind it at all.  It’s merely something done to become the center of a picture, that is ultimately no less contrived than randomly throwing up a middle finger.  It’s not the Gandhis and Mother Teresas of the world doing the hand heart.  It’s the overpaid, creatively-devoid, “artistic” shills whose livelihoods revolve around desperately staying in the public eye.  They might as well be holding up a picture of a Nike swoosh instead of doing a hand-heart.  Same difference.

 

Stop saying music was so much better in your era

This one in particular is close to my heart since I have music tastes that are approximately 430% better than the average music listener.  I’m practically a professional when it comes to knowing about music as a recorded art form.  I’m also an expert in tactical espionage, and the methodology of 14th century cake baking, but I’ll write an article some other time about why people in those fields are dicks.  I could write a full page about things those cake assholes do that get my goat.

The reason this erroneous line of thought needs to be halted immediately is that is shows that the speaker has an extremely rudimentary knowledge of music.  The people likely to say “Music was so much better in my day” are usually over-the-hill old-folk types who stopped listening to good music back in 78, leaving them with no reference as to what good music actually is at any point in time beyond that.  This type of person usually only listened to radio music that was piped into their consciousness without any work being necessary on their part to actually discover anything.  Radio music has changed dramatically over the years, and very rarely for the better.  Music as a whole has improved ten-fold, but in order to witness that, you would need to have been actively searching for it.  In the internet age, this is easier than it’s ever been.  You could get on google and find 17 Lithuanian country-prog bands after searching for a mere 10 minutes.  These days it actually takes a little bit of effort to find the good stuff.  It’s not just going to fall into your lap, like it did back in the day with the Beatles and Led Zeppelin.  So have you grandkids teach you how to use the internet, and maybe you can actually discover some good new music instead of listening to top 40 radio desperately trying to find something good, because that’s almost a hopeless endeavor.  Or you can go listen to a Herman’s Hermits record and continue to ponder why music is so terrible today, while everyone around you quickly exits the room to go play on the nearest train tracks.

Heart Hand

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Taking Pictures of Art

Why do people insist on taking pictures of art?  What exactly is the purpose of taking pictures of something that will always exist in its current form, unchanged? Do you need proof to show others that you indeed saw that picture in person? Are you afraid that the current situation is the only time you’ll ever be able to witness that particular work of art? Do you not realize that there are plenty of high resolution pictures of the Mona Lisa online that are of far greater quality than the shitty picture you’re more than likely taking?

Your terrible, badly-lit, out-of-focus shots won’t be better than all the professional images that exist out there, accessible to anyone with an internet connection.

I can only guess that people taking pictures of art are fueled by that same subtle narcissism that requires people to collect selfies with every famous person they come into contact with. Sure, these photos could exist to serve as reminders of a particular situation to be reminisced over at some later date, but I have a feeling they’re taken more often than not to elicit attention from a social circle.

Hey everybody. Look at this picture of that painting that I took. I was in this location, and you weren’t. I got to “meet” that guy from Big Bang Theory and you didn’t. Shower me with attention and validation for being in a location that you weren’t at. Give me points on social media for being somewhere at the right time with a camera that takes pictures.

I also wonder just how many people who record video at concerts ever actually rewatch that footage. They certainly aren’t all uploading it to the internet so that everybody can enjoy it. Of the 30 kids holding up their phones at that show, maybe two of them actually upload the video to Youtube. At one show, I legitimately had a girl in front of me holding her phone up, recording another hand holding a phone, because she wasn’t paying attention to what she was recording. What a dummy. Thanks for obscuring my view and taking away from my experience so that you could record unusable footage, you little tard-fest.

In conclusion, people who need to take pictures of everything and record everything with their phones are usually pointless cattle. Not always, but usually.