Ever noticed how people’s writing skills have become more “mouth breather-esque” over the last decade or two? No? I haven’t either. Regardless, the purpose of this post is to reimagine what a famous speech from the past would look like if someone without passable English skills had written it. If somebody from the Twitter generation had written Martin Luther King Jr’s famous “I Have a Dream” speech, I think it would go a little something like this:
I got a dream that 1 day this nation is gunna rize up and live out teh tru meening of it’s crede – we hold these truthes to be self evadent that all men R created =.
I got a dream that 1 day on the red hillz of Georgia, the suns of formar slaves and the suns of fomar slave ownerz R gunna be able to sit down 2gether at the tabel of brutherhood.
I got a dream that 1 day even the stait of Misisppi a st8 swelting with the heat of enjustice, sweltering with the heat ov opression will be transformed in2 an oasis of freedum and justise.
I got a dream that my 4 little kidz will 1 day liv in a n8shun were they will not be judged by the color of there skins but by the content ov there character.
I got a dream 2day!
I got a deam that 1 day, down in Alabama with it’s vishush racists, with it’s governer havin his lips drippin with the words ov interposishun and nulificashun, 1 day right their in allabama littel black boyz and balck girls will B abel to joyn hands with little wite boys and wite girls as sisterz and brutherz.
I got a dream 2day!
I got a dream that 1 day evrey valley will B exalted and every hill N mountane shall B made lo the ruff places will B maid plane and the crooked places will B made strait, and the glory of the lord shall B reveeled and all flesh shall see it 2gether.
This iz our hope n this iz the faith that i go back 2 da south with.
With dis faith we will B able 2 hue out ov teh mountane ov despare a stone ov hope. With dis faith we will B able 2 tranzform teh janglin discords ov are nashun in2 a butiful simfony ov brotherhood. With dis faith we will B able 2 work 2gether 2 pray 2gether 2 strugle 2gether 2 go 2 jail 2gether 2 stand up 4 freedumb 2gether noing that we will B free 1 day.
I’m going to stop right there before your eyes start to bleed too much. You get the picture though. If MLK were alive today to give a speech and he picked somebody at random out of the youtube comments section to write it up, this is approximately what the end result would be. Just look at all the numbers in that last sentence. It either looks like a math problem or Prince had a song-titling seizure caught on word processor. Sleep tight knowing that the future looks bright and literate. Katch U L8r!
Emaciated Press – September 24 2013
Fixed-Gear Records has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. Says founder Stu Gilbert: “I don’t know what happened, man. We had our finger firmly on the pulse of youth culture, and were preparing to ride a wave of success into the future. Then we got stuck with 30,000 cassette resissues. I don’t know what happened. We were 2 weeks away from reissuing Rusted Muffler’s legendary debut album on 8-Track, and were also in talks to press Black Midget’s latest release on 78 RPM. Needless to say, that won’t be happening now.”
Fixed-Gear Records had flourished for nearly 4 years in the heart of downtown Portland near Starbucks franchise #13,867 and the city’s 43rd largest bicycle shop, which served as inspiration for it’s name. Mr. Gilbert decided to start a record company after getting heavily into vinyl a year prior. “I, like, loved vinyls, man. I liked how they had twice as many sides as a CD, but were, like, so much bigger. Problem is, nowadays kids are all into MP3s and those aren’t even big, and like, they don’t even have any sides. It’s a friggin’ shame.”
So what’s next for Mr. Gilbert? “I think I’m going become a haberdasher. Or maybe even a blacksmith. One of those old-timey professions of some sort. I wish I was born in 1849. People back then were so original.” He then proceeded to groom his mustache in a hand-held mirror for the next 10 minutes, and we were left to see ourselves out of the hollowed halls of Fixed-Gear Records.