Have you ever heard the idiom “Don’t judge a book by its cover”? Those are very wise words to live by. You can’t possibly judge the content of a written work solely by a single arbitrary image. You ever heard the idiom “Don’t judge a movie by its cover”? You haven’t? That’s because it doesn’t exist, Billy. That’s because you can in fact judge a movie by its cover. How convenient! I haven’t seen any of the following movies, but luckily I don’t need to in order to review them. Because they all have covers. Here we go!
The Parent Trap
More like “The Parent Crap”. Am I right? What a horrible movie this is. Disney put this out? Where the hell are all the animated spatulas and tube socks? And two Lindsay Lohans? Because one future drug-addled train wreck in this movie wasn’t enough? This movie should be called The Parent Nightmare… having two daughters you have to bail out of jail every 2 weeks. “Special Double Trouble Edition”? Yea, no shit.
What’s The Worst That Could Happen
Well for one, a movie could exist starring Martin Lawrence and Danny Devito. And also… the tag line “It takes a thief to nail a crook” is terrible because it leads me so believe that the movie contains gratuitous midget on midget sex scenes. For that, I cannot recommend this movie.
Notting Hill
I’m gonna be honest with you. This is not(ting) a good movie. How could any movie possibly be good with cover art that cost $23 to produce. I can photoshop better crap than this using MS Paint while drunk. Why is Julia Robert in blue tint instead of color, and more importantly, why is Julia Roberts even in Hollywood movies at all? She has less acting range than the dog from Air Bud. Skip this one and rent Dunston Checks In instead.
Junior
Another Danny Devito movie. I’m noticing a theme here. That theme of course being that Danny Devito has absolutely no standards in his career choices. He was in Throw Momma From The Train, but a lot of 40-plus year actors have had a 5-star film or two under their belt. Arnold Schwartzellwegger is apparently pregnant in this movie, but I’m doubtful that it’s going to be the Citizen Kane of the pregnant guy genre. “Nothing is inconceivable”, except how the person who gave this movie the go-ahead survived the amount of drugs they would have had to be on to green-light this movie.
Good Luck Chuck
Good luck sitting through this movie, Chuck. Dane Cook is in this movie? Great! Does it contain any dick and doodoo jokes perchance, or does it contain his higher-brow comedic social commentary. The tagline of this movie is “Sometimes love blows”. For the life of me, I can’t think of any clever way to spin that. Luckily one of the other 27 tag lines is “Get ready to get lucky”. Like getting lucky and having your plane crash after finding out this is going to be the in-flight movie.