Speaking Of Indoctrination…

Don’t you just hate it when something happens that further reinforces a belief of yours?  Remember that article I just wrote, about why college, as it currently stands, is probably not the best investment for America?  Well it turns out an indoctrination agent a professor at DePaul University in Chicago, recently rage quit her job because her “safe space” was endangered.  She also made sure to rely on identity politics, pulling out the sex and race cards on her way out the door, never qualifying how either of these accusations had any relevance to the matter at hand.

Trigger warning: cringe-inducing ideology incoming…

ResignationLetter

Dr. Shu-Ju “Ada” Cheng posted this resignation letter on facebook, because she disagreed with a conservative speaker who showed up to her university.  That, or perhaps she merely disagreed with the fact that people with differing views were allowed to exist on the campus.  She also apparently disagreed with the way the university handled an altercation at the speaking event.  That altercation involved a bunch of members of a trendy hashtag activism group showing up and interrupting an otherwise peaceful talk, effectively silencing the proceedings.  The campus “handled” this altercation by having security sit by idly while this transpired, requiring the engagement to move elsewhere.  How exactly she disagreed with any of this is unclear, because she merely writes in flowery language and never actually explains herself.

To sum up her diatribe, she states that universities are not neutral platforms, i.e. they are liberal institutions and should only promote such “dominant ideologies”, while rejecting all others, and privileging “certain groups”.  Sounds like she’s a real staunch proponent of equality.  She also mentions a “political crisis”, which one can only assume is a reference to Donald Trump’s merely running for presidency, and has nothing to do with all the inadequacies in the current administration’s handling of pressing social issues.  She then goes on call freedom of speech and equal exchanges of ideas “delusional”.  Quite frankly, it’s dangerous that this woman was teaching anybody anything.  How are you a college professor, yet too intellectually dense to understand why free speech is necessary everywhere.  Are there not review boards to filter individuals like this out?  How many of this woman actually exist at colleges?

She goes on to cry “racism” without ever identifying who exactly is perpetrating this racism or giving any inkling that she understands what that word even means.  Whatever this racism entails, it was apparently responsible for a “long history of exiting faculty of color”.  It would have been nice for her to explain what any of this meant, but unfortunately in today’s society, it’s become vogue to throw out buzzwords like “sexist” and “racist” without actually articulating what one is actually referring to.  These words are essentially the regressive equivalent of a young child answering every question they are asked with: “Just because”.

As cringe inducing as this ridiculous story is, it seems to check out.  The woman in question is still listed on the DePaul website and has a facebook page which appears to have recently been scrubbed of all personal information.  She also primarily taught fluff courses under the Sociology banner, and evidently dabbles in performance art and stand-up comedy.  I can only imagine how side-splitting this comedy is, given that she’s anti-free speech and pro group-think.  She probably tells a doozy of a non-binary, non-offensive, non-triggering, non-GMO knock knock joke.

Hopefully she enjoys the rest of her career as a cashier a Bed Bath & Beyond, and is able to bring home enough of a paycheck to feed her 7 cats.

Why Free College Is a Terrible Idea

One of the platforms in the 2016 US election is pushing the premise of “free college” to appeal to the youth vote.  I’m here to explain why “free college” is potentially a waste of tax dollars and not something that political candidates should be focusing on.

Tuition Is Unregulated, And We Don’t Need More Debt

Why do people rally behind the idea of “free college”?  One would assume because of how incredibly expensive the average four-year education has become.  If college were reasonably priced, and easily afforded, nobody would be griping about it’s increasingly astronomical price tag in the first place.  So basically, the argument boils down to: college has gotten too expensive, so now it should be covered fully by the tax dollar.

There’s one problem with this mentality though.  The U.S. is currently over 19 trillion in debt.  The U.S. is in debt because it has a tendency to recklessly spend far more money than it brings in.  To put it into perspective, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan cost the U.S. a mere 1.6 trillion.  Roughly 1/10 of our debt can be attributed to these wars.  The other 90% is due to all the other instances of annual overspending of tax dollars.  The money spent on college is estimated to be about 300-400 billion dollars annually. (20 million students at 15-20k a year: a modest estimate)  This isn’t a very small number, when you keep in mind the U.S. brings in roughly 3 trillion in taxes per year currently.  All these expenditures add up of course, which is precisely why we are 19 trillion in debt to begin with.  College would be yet another drop in the bucket, driving the country further into an increased mountain of debt.

Perhaps we could actually afford “free” college if we radically cut back on all the other expenditures that got us into debt, but this would require a little bit of fiscal responsibility.  Unfortunately the candidate(s) who push the socialized college angle are not the same candidates who also lay out a plan for cutting current government expenditures.  Their general approach is to offer a bounty of services and promises to their constituents, without ever providing an honest discussion as to the negative effect it would have on the country’s finances.  Ultimately, the people who buy into this pipe dream are those who prefer that other people get taxed more to cover the expenditures of the government, rather than expecting the government to take responsibility for controlling their own zealous overspending.

A lot of the populace doesn’t seem to understand the basic economics behind government spending.  For example, many of the same people who are behind Bernie and his platform of increased tax expenditures tend to be the same people who praise Obama for chipping away at the deficit.  It’s almost as if they have a complete lack of understanding of basic finances.  Essentially, they’re applauding one person on lowering the governments expenditures, all the while backing someone else who aims to raise those same expenditures beyond where they previously were.  Does this math work out in some bizarro universe I’m not privy to, or is this merely a product of common-core math?

If this whole “free college” movement was born out of outrageous tuition costs, why not focus on the problem at hand?  Namely the fact that colleges are gouging students based on the increasingly erroneous assumption that having a piece of paper guarantees you some sort of fruitful future.  College is by no means a necessity in life, and there are many other alternatives for education out there.  If auto companies started rapidly increasing the cost of their cars, would these same people start clamoring for the government to pay for everybody’s automobiles?  Why is an individual’s choice to go out and purchase an automobile handled differently than their decision to pay for further education?  You have myriad choices in both instances.

As a final point, if tax dollars start funding college educations, and college costs haven’t been regulated in some manner, there is nothing to stop colleges from continuing to raise tuition costs.  People complain about tuition costs, because they themselves have to pay for what they chose to purchase.  If the government started paying for everyone’s college, universities could start charging a million dollars for a degree, and nobody would complain about it, because they would never actually see the bill.  Meanwhile, we end up setting a new world record by being the first country to surpass 100 trillion in debt.

Free College Is Classist

Nobody growing up in a poor area with a terrible K-12 education system is going to benefit from receiving free college.  If you graduated from high school and were provided a substandard education, colleges aren’t going to be scrambling to admit you entrance.  The kids who grew up in nice areas with good school systems will be the ones with the grades and SAT scores to get into college.  The kids from the other side of the tracks, living in broken homes will largely be getting the shaft on this deal.

If students no longer face having to finance their own college education, the number of people applying to colleges will jump drastically.  Why would you not go to college if you could avoid working for 4+ more years, get something for free and perhaps get to do a little bit of partying on the side?  With a surge in people applying to colleges, the kids with average to lower grades will have no chance getting into a college that is already burdened with deciding who it will admit, and who is out of luck.  Perhaps they’ll still take a scant number of the poor riff-raff merely as a publicity stunt for good will, but the rest will just have to go to trade school. (Where they may or may not statistically end up making more money on average than holders of increasingly devalued college degrees, but this is beside the point.)

This is why it’s far more important for government to actually focus on improving K-12 education across the board, rather than essentially providing a free “luxury” item.  Between the No Child Left Behind Act and the Common Core Initiative, K-12 education has been left in ruins, and put U.S. children even further behind the rest of the world.  Early education desperately needs to be reformed, long before college education even enters the discussion.  Increasing access to a good education for everybody, is ultimately better for the country than merely giving a bonus to those who actually need it less.  15-20% of children in this country grow up in poverty and realistically won’t be benefiting from socialized higher education.  Taxes shouldn’t be used for anything this substantial that isn’t available to the entirety of the populace.

Half of College Classes Are Pointless

Colleges are businesses, and as such, need to be able to spend as little money as possible in order to make the biggest returns possible.  One way to do this is by hiring under-qualified individuals to teach pointless classes rather than to hire well-educated individuals to teach meaningful courses.  Hence it costing the same per cred hour for a class in the STEM field as it does for a throw-away course that has no viable use in the job market.

Sure it’s all shits and giggles to sign up for a class like Politicizing Beyoncé, The Sociology of Miley Cyrus, or even Zombies in Popular Media (all real courses), but you’re paying $250 per credit hour on average ($650 out-of-state) to take these classes, not including whatever books you may need.  These classes aren’t worth your money, and certainly aren’t worth taxpayer money.  Go buy a book about zombies or a pop artist, and save a few hundred dollars.

On top of the cutesy meme courses, there exist too many degrees that really aren’t worth spending over $100k on.  The problem is, kids are pushed into college right after high school, because it’s seen as something they have to do to make a good living and be successful in life.  When an aimless kids gets to college and needs to choose a major, they will likely choose something in the liberal arts field, like communications, philosophy, sociology, creative writing, psychology, or some type of history.  Most of these undergraduate degrees either aren’t specialized enough to be very useful, or require further education to be of any use in the job market.

Roughly 35% of undergraduate degrees are in the STEM fields.  These are fields that will generally be worth the money you are paying for them, assuming you have a good work ethic and are proactive in finding a good job.  Obviously STEM fields aren’t the only important jobs, but STEM degrees tend to attract the individuals who go through college with a sense of purpose, rather than doing so merely to obtain a degree.  Merely obtaining a degree won’t guarantee you anything in the workforce if you aren’t adept in the field you decided to major in.

For the record, I have nothing against liberal arts majors such as philosophy.  In writing an article such as this one, I’m essentially philosophizing about what the negative impacts of sweeping legislature might be, mixed with a little bit of research and statistical data.  However, if you have half a million kids going to college and getting philosophy degrees, what exactly are they all going to do with those degrees?  Society needs philosophers, but it doesn’t need millions of them.  Luckily with “free” college, the taxpayer would be eating the debt on that investment, and not the individuals, or their parents.  Buyers remorse from impulse purchases would become a thing of the past in the new regime.

Colleges Have Become Regressive indoctrination Centers

This point is one that practically writes itself.  Anybody actually paying attention to the news in the last year or two has seen the dramatic shift colleges have taken, from being learning centers, to becoming indoctrination stations.  There was a time in the past, where colleges were places one would go to learn how to think critically and expand one’s horizons.  Now colleges are places where kids are taught to reject any idea they have been conditioned to believe is wrong, and to segregate themselves from anyone who thinks differently.

These kids protest and actively try to block speakers from talking at their schools.  If you are too much of a child to accept that people have opinions that differ from yours, perhaps you don’t understand why you don’t get to silence or block others from speaking.  Ultimately, the colleges are to blame, since they actively cancel speaking engagements, rather than teaching the children why this isn’t an acceptable way to act.  This mindset ends up snowballing out of control, the wardens lose control of the prison, and these kids end up becoming junior terrorists, making demands where they should have no power to do so.

The universities are starting to pay for their widespread incompetence, however.  Schools that make national headlines due to pandering to these baby fascists, end up taking hits in enrollment, and consequently funding.  No rational parent is going to want to send their kid to a school that will potentially turn their offspring into a safe space, trigger warning, thought-Nazi.  If you waltz into a McDonald’s and decide to act like an asshole, you would more than likely be removed from the premises.  If you act like an asshole on one of these campuses, you shouldn’t receive any sort of fame or special treatment for doing so.  Hence the social blow-back and damaging side-effects.

Entitled middle class liberals are being conditioned to believe that they are somehow an oppressed class, despite living in one of the wealthiest, most privileged counties in the world, and attending institutions that are largely homogeneous in an ideology they overwhelmingly follow.  What exactly are you being oppressed by?  Reality?  Adulthood?  If you want to experience actual oppression, you’re going to need to leave the comfort of your bedroom or dorm.

In Conclusion

Education is important and should be a much larger focus in this country than it currently is.  K-12 education is far more important in the long run, is in dire need of reform, and should be our primary focus, long before college education is even brought up.  Candidates need to be honest with the voting public about economics, rather than constantly pandering and promising stuff that merely adds to the national debt.  Colleges need to get their shit together and stop catering to these problem contingents.  They are technically businesses that reserve the right to refuse service to children whose parents never taught them to act right.  Kids need to stop going to universities, only to major in pointless things like Cambodian Feminist Pottery Studies.  Lastly, colleges need to be more open to differing views, rather than creating environments of insular thought.

Meat Explosion (Official Video)

How it going?  Cool, cool.  Great to hear.  While you’re here though, you should check out this video I recently wrote, directed, edited, starred in, and did catering for.  It’s called “Meat Explosion”, and it’s about the frailty of Earthly existence and the extraordinary palatability of the human condition.

The song is one of a few dozen hot jamz I wrote back in the day that are just sitting around on my computer hard drives collecting digital dust.  Figured I should maybe get off my ass and make a tasty music video for it so that 9 or 10 people can stumble upon it on Youtube™ and give it a thumbs down.

I’d like to make videos for some of the other tracks in the future, but unfortunately most video editing software is garbage.  The one I used for this video crashed like 17 times over the course of two days of editing, and the other software I have randomly decided to be incompatible with my OS one day.  I hate working on something and having my artistic [citation needed] progress halted by technical issues.  Regardless, here is the latest video:

 

Progressive Oppression Bingo

I wrote an article about a year ago that I never got around to posting.  It was about how the type of person who finds racism everywhere tends to be one who has deep-seated racial issues, and is merely engaging in projection as a method of cover.  You can’t possibly be a racist if you constantly point out racism in everybody else around you at all times… right?  They go out of their way to uncover racism in completely innocuous movies, music, or statements where none exists, simply to cover for their own personal shortcomings on the topic.  I likened it to the individual who goes around calling everyone “fag” all time in an attempt to hide his own sexual insecurities by casting them onto others.

This is similar to certain individual’s current fascination with creating oppression out of thin air for the purpose of blaming their own failures onto society (i.e. I’m somehow at a disadvantage in life because people spread their legs on a bus).  It’s a weak-minded individual’s way of processing the world around them.  They look at a gallon of milk sitting on a table, and their mind instantly tries to find a way in which that milk represents some kind of injustice against themselves or some outgroup.  Perceiving an injustice against themselves serves to cover for their own shortcomings in life (deflection), while perceiving an injustice against others serves to relieve them of any personal guilt they might feel for that injustice (projection).

So what does all of this have to do with anything?  Not much, but I don’t want to delete those two paragraphs that I put all that effort into writing.  But since you’re still reading: I came up with a new twist on a classic game, primarily played by old people, that is sure to endear it to a whole new demographic.  It’s called Progressive Oppression Bingo, and it’s for those emotionally aged 10 and under.  How does it work, you ask?  Hold your gosh darn horses and I’ll tell you.

Progressive Oppression Bingo

Bingo

It’s just like regular Bingo, but instead of marking off numbers to win, you mark off people of various minority groups after you’ve effectively collected them as “friends”.  As you can probably gather, this game is aimed primarily at middle to upper-class white liberals, specifically those who identify as progressives.  The very demographic who engage in minority collecting as a means of assuaging their own privilege and racial guilt.  The demographic who likes to collect minorities for social standing like they’re playing the latest version of Pokémon. “Oh my gawd, like, I just befriended a Mexican at Starbucks today!  I have to work this into a facebook post somehow to impress all my progressive friends!  I totally can’t even right now…”

The thing is, it doesn’t make you less racist to befriend somebody of another race simply for the purposes of endearing yourself to other people whose validation you seek.  This is a form of tokenism.  It makes you less racist and “problematic” to not treat other human beings simply as means to an end.  By using terminology like “my black friend” or “my other-gendered trans-person otherkin friend”, you’re taking a person, and turning them into an object, like a pair of pants.  You don’t designate your other white friends as “white friends”, so why would you treat these other “friends” of yours any differently?  Is it perhaps because referring to your white friends as your “white friends” doesn’t garner you any of that progressive adulation that you so desperately seek?

Regardless, the modern progressive exists in an echo-chamber of endless validation-seeking behavior, and this game plays into that.  The lure of those back-pats and thumbs-ups for being a great open-minded person is a strong motivating factor to certain people.  In reality, no individual (in a diverse country) should ever make a big deal about having friends belonging to an outgroup.  You are surrounded by people of differing races, religions, and orientations at all times, so why should it be a big deal that you’re friends with somebody different than you?  You would have to go well out of your way to only surround yourself with people exactly like you.

This illustrates one of the hypocrisies of today’s progressive however.  They actively go out of their way to surround themselves with people who echo and validate their own belief systems.  If you’re a progressive, you can’t be friends with a Christian who might be pro-life, because you don’t want to be friends with somebody who has a differing view, right?  You also can’t be friends with anyone who is Republican, because they belong to a political cult that differs from your own political cult.

When you go out of your way to distance yourself from anyone and everyone who has a differing lifestyle or point of view, the only people left are inherently going to be carbon copies of you.  So it makes complete sense that the modern progressive would make a big deal about knowing somebody belonging to an outgroup.  When you’ve effectively constructed a self-imposed system of segregation within your own life, you’ve pushed everyone away who isn’t also white, atheist, and liberal.  So when a progressive actually meets somebody of a different color who mirrors all their worldviews and beliefs closely enough to warrant befriending that person, the event tends to stand out as quite the accomplishment.

Keep in mind, these progressives are the types to will engage in acts like demonizing a black person for identifying as a Republican, i.e. “I’ll treat you as an equal as long as you believe the same things I do”.  That doesn’t sound very progressive to you, does it?  Being progressive would imply that you’re open to all ideas and lifestyles, not just the ones you personally adhere to.  That’s why this game is primarily aimed at progressives though.  With all their rigid views on what should and shouldn’t define someone’s identity, this game will be anything but a cakewalk.

So if any progressives want to play Progressive Oppression Bingo™, just go out of your way to collect a transgender, Mormon, bi-sexual, and Amish person the next time you’re out getting a soy latte and non-GMO vegan gyro.  I’m sure there are plenty of minorities at establishments that carry those types of foods.  You’ll be shouting “BINGO!” in no time flat, and receive more existence-validating thumbs-ups on social media than you could possibly know what to do with.  Godspeed!

 

 

* When I use the word “progressive” in this article, I actually mean “regressive”, which applies to someone who fancies themselves as pro-equality, but actually bolsters inequality via holding people to different standards, based on race/religious beliefs/sexual orientation, and the blatant employment of double standards.

Buzzfeed Is The Bucky Larson Of News Sites

Let’s get one thing out of the way right now.  I can’t help but feel a little dirty in making fun of BuzzFeed.  It kind of feels like making fun of somebody with Down’s Syndrome, or someone who shits their pants on the regular.  It’s so easy to do that it feels wrong.  That being said, I’m going to follow through and make fun of it anyway, because that’s just what I do.

For anyone who actually has a life has been living under a rock, BuzzFeed is a pop-culture entertainment site that has continued to grow as the Earth’s collective IQ has dropped.  This is one of those sites that posts endless sensational click-bait articles and half-baked top ten lists.  To be fair, they also post other useful and intellectual fare like cat videos and online quizzes as well though.  I’m not trying to short-change anybody here.

Bucky Larson, on the other hand, is a character from one of the stupidest movies ever created by mankind, called Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star.  It’s so bad that it has a 0% fresh (codeword for watchable) rating on Rotten Tomatoes.  It also current has an IMDB score of 3.3, which is lower than both The Room, and a movie called The Abortion.  People would rather watch an abortion than Bucky Larson, to put it into perspective.  I would rather watch Bucky Larson than actually visit BuzzFeed for any reason other than to feel better about my own intellectual capacity, or to do research for an article called BuzzFeed Is The Bucky Larson Of News Sites.  This paragraph probably wasn’t necessary, but I needed to justify the title of the article, and liked it too much to change it.  Moving on…

BuzzFeed is one of those websites that nonintellectuals repeatedly repost articles from on social media, when they want to make a “point”, but can’t muster the brain power to actually formulate a sentence or two on their own.  It’s essentially the digital equivalent of pointing at something and grunting.  When you can’t actually use your “words” to explain your side of a given discussion, simply copy-pasting a link and hitting the “post” button seems to be the go-to these days.  Heaven forbid you actually think about any one topic long enough to write a rational, cognizant idea on the subject.

I’m perfectly fine with BuzzFeed™ existing as a time-wasting, entertainment entity, but the part of me with an IQ greater than a bundt cake takes issue with it trying to brand itself in any way as a “news” site.  Negro, you are not a news site.  Taking a look at your homepage right now, I’m seeing articles such as: “15 Diarrhea Horror Stories That’ll Make You Feel Better About Yourself”, “What Flavor Of Starburst Are You?”, and “You Have To See This Weird Cake That Looks Like a Blob of Water”.  I didn’t make a single one of those up.  Not only that, but I actually had trouble narrowing it down to three idiotic article titles to post.  The site is so chock full of moronic, pointless content that it’s almost overwhelming to visit. 

It’s no more a news site than a print paper like the National Enquirer or The Sun.  They all exist simply to bring in revenue and achieve higher viewership, and not to actually educate and inform.  Just take a look at the navigation bar prominently displayed at the top of the BuzzFeed home page.  It looks like something you’d find on the Nickelodeon website or some other page directed at 9 year-olds:

BuzzFeedNavBarSeriously though.  How many other “news” sites do you go to that have a “LOL” or “fail” button for navigation?  None, because no credible news site would pander this much to the middle school-minded meme generation.  They should add a few more buttons like “fart” and “doh”.  Perhaps a navigation bar that looks like this:

BuzzFeedBarThat’s more like it!

Granted, the people getting their “news” from a site like BuzzFeedgenerally aren’t the most educated and rational people in the demographic.  It’s not like there aren’t hundreds of other actual news sites you can visit that don’t have articles like “9 Surprisingly Fun Things To Do With Your Boobs” on them anywhere.  This site has no less than 50 articles that revolve around astrology archived on it for gosh sakes.  Is this the site you’re going to rely on for reporting all the hard hitting news to you in a well researched manner?  If so, your mother probably ingested bleach while she was pregnant with you.

I’m sure I’ll write another post about BuzzFeed in the future, but BuzzFeed will have posted another 15 articles about poop, and 93 more numbered list fluff articles by then.  They gotta keep their journalistic standards high to pay those bills, after all.  So keep doing you, BuzzFeed.  People with overpriced English degrees who can’t land real jobs will always need a place to go to write articles with the word “fuck” in the title.  You’re doing the Lord’s work.  Godspeed.

Up Your Roommate Game, Bro.

Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of roommates and housemates.  Most of them were downright terrible, but a few were actually quite serviceable.  Coincidentally, the very first website I ever had, roughly 15 years ago, was a blog of sorts (before the term even existed), wherein I chronicled how terrible one of my college roommates was at being serviceable.  It was a pretty funny, lemme tell ya, but you’ll have to take my word for it, because I have no idea what the address was, or if that data even still exists on a server somewhere.  Save for a few college buds, I’ve never mentioned any of these roommates, but I’m gonna mention one now, so prepare your anal bits accordingly.

Back in the day, I lived with a fella in a townhouse, in a city, in a state, in a country that was more than likely America.  This fella was nice guy, but would do the most ridiculous shit.  Now, when you live with somebody, you expect a little bit of tomfoolery and shenanigans, but sometimes a fella just takes it too far.  This dude, who we’ll call Melk Templeton, or “Melk” for short, was a real pain my my keester.  He was constantly finding new ways to make me want to slap him in the gosh-darn mouth parts.  Generally, I’m fairly accepting of a housemate’s quirks, but when they have so dig-dab many of ’em, you just gotta write a passive-aggressive blog post on the world wide web, and air out the grievances.  So here is a somewhat partial list of all the stuff this dude would do, that I don’t miss at all.

Does my fan bother you?
I have always preferred to have a fan running in my room most of the time, both because I get hot easily, and also because I enjoy ambient noise.  A few weeks into living in a house with Melk, it started to get warmer outside, and I decided to start running my fan.  Now keep in mind, this was a small, plastic fan, about a foot in circumference, and slightly louder than a computer fan.  At some point, I went over to Melk’s room, which was on the other side of one of my walls, to ask him about something.  As I’m leaving he says “Hey man… do you hear that?”  “Uh, no. What exactly are we listening for?” I question.  “There’s some humming sound. Are you running something in your room?” he derpingly questioned.  I told him I had a small fan going, but other than that, no.  “Oh.  Man it’s driving me nuts.  Why do you have it on?” he blathers.  “Because it’s hot out.  And it keeps me from being hot.” I reply.  “Alright. Man it’s annoying. I can wear headphones though I guess.”  Yes you can, Melk.  You can, and you will.

You tryin’ to become my doppelganger?
I shared a bathroom with ole’ Melk, and as you can probably imagine, he was annoying in the bathroom as well.  I had somewhat long hair at the time, and as such, needed to use conditioner to keep my unruly hair from tangling up.  A little while after living together, I started noticing that someone had been getting into my conditioner other than me.  Perhaps it was a racoon or something.  Nope.  I could tell Captain Melk was using it, because the cap was always open.  I always left the cap closed, and racoons didn’t even get into our bathroom.  The best part of all was that my buddy boy here had hair that was like half an inch long.  You ain’t even need conditioner, bro!  So why were you trying to be like me?

That ain’t all though.  Soon after, he went out and bought my same shampoo so that he could complete the fan-boy transformation.  Now I gotta remember which shampoo is mine, you big goof!  You should grab a sharpie and draw a “CCM” on yours to stand for Copy Cat McGee. #smh (hashtag: shake my head)

You tryin’ to be Carlos Mencia Jr?
I had a mutual friend with Melk Melkington, who I’ll refer to as Bibot Supplekins.  Bibot was a funny gentleman who would do humorous things on nonstop rotation.  One of the things he would do, was to play guitar while making up ridiculous lyrics about whomever was in the near vicinity at the time.  A bit of observational musical comedy if you will.  It sounds kind of lame on paper, but he was good at it, and dropped them panties like a nuclear physicist, while making everybody jealous and ending racism and Ebola to boot.

Well, a certain somebody noticed that people found this act funny, and tried to get in on the action as well.  Guess who it was?  His name starts with an “M”.  No, not Tommy Two-Thumbs.  That doesn’t even start with an “M”.  Try again.  Yep!  It was ole’ Melk “Melky Way” Dinglebert.  He’d desperately try to come up with funny observational lyrics while playing guitar, and failed so hard that his future kids will probably feel the burning shame.  He found it funny, but it just made everyone else cringe and wish he’d get get hit by a car, even when he was indoors.  Maybe you should have tried coming up with your own humor, rather than trying to copy Bibot.  You’ll never be as funny at Bibot.  Sorry to break the news to you, Melk.

Do I look like a taxi to you?
Wanna know another annoying thing that Melk TurgidTits used to do?  Whenever he was having problems with his car, which was often, because his car was stupid, he’d try to get other people to drive him all over the place.  Now, I can understand helping a bro out if he’s in a time of need, but a bro better not take advantage of a bro’s hospitality.  Ole’ Melky Melk Melk used to have a bike and was apparently some sort of bike aficionado.  He would talk about how he’d bike this-a way, and bike that-a way, then turn around and ask you to drive him a few blocks away for something that wasn’t even important.  Dude.  Why don’t you just bike there?  Or maybe even walk, so you don’t end up turning into a chubby little Melk Melk.  Just don’t ask your friends to inconvenience themselves for something completely unnecessary, or something you could quickly and easily handle on your own.  Real talk!

Are you doing this shit on purpose?
Remember how I said ole’ Melky SmegmaNutz was annoying in matters of the bathroom?  That was just the tip o’ the iceberg, kiddies.  Check this nonsense out.  At one point during this living situation, my esteemed roommate was in between jobs.  The thing is, he would continue to get up early in the morning and tie up the bathroom, despite not actually having anywhere he needed to go.  I still got up at the same time as usual, and had to wait for him to dick-off in the bathroom every morning before I could handle my man-business and head off to work.

Dammit Melktron.  Can’t you just wait until after the working individuals have used the bathroom until you go in there and play with sailboats in the bathtub, or whatever it is you do?  You’re like one of those dudes from a comedy movie who still goes through the motions and pretends to go to work so your old lady doesn’t find out.  Except you don’t have an old lady, and I’m well aware that you’re just going to spend the day sitting around the house doing Sudoku puzzles, and eating Cheerios.  Would it kill you to just wait like ten extra minutes before you go into the bathroom and trim up your landing strip?  For gosh sakes!

First the fan, now this shit. Seriously bro?
The great fan-noise fiasco of the early 2000’s was all but a distant memory in our hearts, but a greater tragedy was looming on the horizon.  One night, a friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen in years was in town, and decided to drop on by and visit me.  We kicked it and cold chilled inside for a while, but decided to go out on the deck since it was such a lovely night out.  So there we were, just straight up cold lampin’, when my totally even-keeled roommate comes out and complains that we were being too loud.  Mind you, we were sitting three feet away from each other, outdoors, talking in normal indoor voices, but somehow this offended his goofy ears through the house walls.  It was also 10PM at most, and he totally didn’t have anything to do the next day.

“Alright. We’ll keep it down” I said, and he slithered back off to his porn dungeon.  About 5 minutes later he came back out and complained yet again that we were being too loud.  I explained that we had literally been talking at the same level that he was currently talking to us right now, and to “Chill the gosh darn heck out… please, sir.”  I think he got mad a third time, and we eventually went inside to avoid any future onslaughts of bitching and moaning.

I tell you what though.  You need to man up, Melk n’ Cookies.  Stop being such a square and learn to kick it old school every once in a while.  Stop getting your pantaloons in a bunch over every little thing.  Help me, help you, to be the best you, that you can be.  Learn to tolerate the blaring noise of a small indoor table fan.  Learn to grow out some natty dreads if you’re looking to lather up your dome piece with conditioner.  Work out your own comedic material so that you can perform at the open mic night in our hearts.  Get a real car, like a PT Cruiser, or Toyota Tercel, so that you can take the ladies out to a fancy pizza dinner and run errands like a complete champion.  And lastly, don’t cockblock an O.G. relationship, simply because you like complete vacuum chamber quiet while you grease your meat whistle to some elbow porn. God bless.  #Kony2012

The Wrong Side Of History

I’m seeing a lot of people in preschool on social media proclaiming certain individuals to be on the “right” side of history and others to be on the “wrong” side.  Bernie Sanders is on the “right” side of history, because he showed up to a few rallies in the past in support of civil rights.  Of course this somehow means he is completely infallible and qualified to be the president in the eyes of certain groups of people.  Donald Trump is on the “wrong” side of history, because he says things that go against what we’ve been indoctrinated to believe by an overwhelmingly liberal media.  Of course this somehow means that he is “Hitler”, and the worst thing to happen to America in forever.

The truth of the matter is that the “right” side of history is the side that protects the freedoms of of the individual.  This just so happens to include the protection of free speech.  Anyone who tries to silence someone else whom they disagree with, is the on the wrong side of history.  There has never been a time in history I can think of, wherein the “right” side of a conflict actively tried to silence the other.  Let’s take the civil rights movements for example.  Were blacks trying to silence the white establishment, or was it the other way around?  How about the genocide of the Jews at the hands of the Nazis?  Were the Jews trying to repress the German’s freedoms, or did the opposite happen?

So when you see anyone, on either side of this political circus trying to block, silence, or shut down the other side, you are witnessing the “wrong” side of history in action.  Unfortunately for Bernie Sanders, despite his record of being on the “right” side of history, a nice portion of his groupies are increasingly displaying their propensity for being enemies of free speech.  Enemies of free speech are consequently also enemies of freedom and the Constitution.  Enemies of… America. (cue patriotic music)  As I’ve started time and time again on this site, freedom of speech applies to everybody, not just your side.

Granted, Trump’s supporters also have a tendency to be a bunch of knuckleheads as well, but this just shows that the same harmful mentality tends to follow both of these candidates.  They both may be “outsiders” within their own parties, but both continue to represent everything that is wrong with their respective parties.  A large portion of these two groups subscribe to that “us vs them” soccer hooligan mentality that has all but caused this country to grind to a halt, and become increasingly divided.  “My party is the epitome of everything good and the other party is pure evil!”, exclaimed both parties simultaneously.  It’s kind of like watching two obese people argue over which fast food restaurant is healthier.  Just realize that you’re both going to die early of heart disease.

As far as the Hitler comparisons go, both parties reflect shades of fascism.  Fascism is defined by a belief in one true party, authoritarian control over the individual, and violence as a means of accomplishing an end.  As previously mentioned, both of these parties like to fancy themselves as being the “correct” party, while viewing the other as the flawed, incorrect party, rather than seeing themselves as two different varieties of essentially the same thing.  Both also love pushing their authoritarianism onto the country; the red controlling what you can do with your body, and the blue dictating what can be said or what is allowed to be owned.  Lastly, both tend to attract volatile types, who view violent opposition as an acceptable reaction to those who have differing views.

To wrap this up, neither party is necessarily on the “right” side of history, because the future hasn’t happened yet, and can’t be predicted.  You can only tell if somebody was on the right side of history in retrospect.  Both parties have been responsible for a wealth of terrible ideas that have had a negative impact on this country.  Both parties continually attract individuals who aren’t particularly intelligent, engage in mud-slinging rather than rational discourse, and are easily manipulated into voting against their own best interests.  If you’re truly looking to be on the “right” side of history, always take the position of protecting everybody’s freedom of speech.  The second you feel it’s alright to silence another individual’s opinion or viewpoint, you’ve officially cemented your position as being on the “wrong” side of history.  Now stop shitposting your inane political memes all over social media.  Thanks!

WrongSide

BuzzFeed Response Video (Dildo Remix)

Hey there sir and/or madam.  Long before I started this website, I used to dick around making youtube videos.  Until now, I haven’t really felt the need to cross-promote the two separate entities, but the more I think about it, why would I not push both equally?  I put a lot of time into creating sophomoric content on both, and it would be nice to achieve some sort of reach in both.  So I reckon I’ll probably start posting the videos I create to this site as well.  I won’t post everything, but those that fit the “vibe” of this site will be more likely to go up.

This one is a parody response to a much maligned video that BuzzFeed posted, called 36 Questions Women Have For Men.  The video is pretty much a list of petty grievances, statistical verbatims and anecdotal gripes aimed at men.  There is no analogous video aimed at women, but BuzzFeed’s largest demographic is eternally single cat ladies, so that makes sense.  Regardless, I decided to make a response after seeing someone else (a female) post a response video, and getting a hearty chuckle.  So essentially, I’m an uncreative follower.  My video has a dildo in it though, so there’s that at least.