Hey guys. I have some great news! I just cracked the code to Bruno Mars’ songwriting prowess!
You see, what he does is write songs pandering to female sensibilities. It’s a genre we’ll refer to as “panty drop” from here on out. It has very little artistic merit outside of making young insecure girls swoon. It’s the song equivalent of a chick flick. Nobody sits down and artistically writes a song about how much they want to marry someone else, after all. Unless they are artistically trying to write a song aimed at a particular demographic that is sure to artistically make them a ton of money.
I wrote these in about 45 minutes, which I’m sure is way longer than it takes Bruno Mars to write 3 songs, but that’s why he makes the big bucks and gets scores of high school girls.
That Dress (Doesn’t Make You Look Fat)
I was sitting on the couch the other day
Watching the Young and Restless
She walked into the room
Wearing one of her new dresses
She had a tear in her eye
As she sat by the cat
She was ultra sad
Because she thought she looked fat
[Chorus:]
Girl you’re not fat
You’re the skinniest in the world
So eat whatever you like
There’s no need for you to hurl
And also, I wanna marry you
I went out to Olive Garden
I was eating fettuccini
She sat there all alone
Crying in her linguine
I asked her what was up
She look at me with doe-eyes
Said that she’s not hungry
Cause she’s concerned about her size
[Chorus:]
Girl you’re not fat
You’re the skinniest in the world
So eat whatever you like
There’s no need for you to hurl
And also, I wanna marry you
whoa whoa whoa yeah
yeah yeah (marry you)
[Chorus:]
Girl you’re not fat
You’re the skinniest in the world
So eat whatever you like
There’s no need for you to hurl
And also, I wanna marry you (twice)
whoa yeah whoa
yeah whoa yeah
Your Cooking Is The Best (In The Universe)
I like you way the break those eggs
I like the way you make soufflés
I like the way you make foudue
I think I wanna marry you
[Chorus:]
Girl your cookin’ is the best
Everything you make is great
I love your mac and cheese
And you’re perfect in every way
I like the cereal you make
I like everything you bake
Everything about you is perfect
All those other girls are fake
[Chorus:]
Girl your cookin’ is the best
Everything you make is great
I love your grilled cheese sandwiches
And you’re perfect in every way
You’re so amazing
You get my heart racing
I think I wanna marry you
Because of your great baking
[Chorus:]
Girl your cookin’ is the best
Everything you make is great
I love your scrambled eggs
And you’re perfect in every way
whoa whoa whoa
oh oh oh (you’re perfect)
whoa whoa whoa
The Notebook is My Favorite Movie Too
Let’s watch a movie, girl
Just you and me
Let’s curl up on the couch
In front of the TV
Don’t want an action movie
Or a comedy
Let’s cry together
Just you and me
[Chorus:]
It’s Friday night
Tell me what you wanna do
Don’t wanna hang out with the guys
Let’s watch The Notebook
Just me and you
So cook up some quiche
And mix up some daiquiris
Grab a box of tissues
Sit on the couch with me
Get under the blanket
Turn on the tube
Let’s do this girl
The Notebook is my favorite movie too
whoa whoa whoa (whoa)
yea yea (Notebook)
whoa whoa whoa (whoa)
[Chorus:]
It’s Friday night
Tell me what you wanna do
Don’t wanna hang out with the guys
Let’s watch The Notebook
Just me and you
yea yea yea
oh oh oh (marry me)
yea yea yea
oh oh oh (you’re perfect)
So there you have it. If you’re reading this, Atlantic Records, you can hire me to ghost write. I can throw 3 or 4 four chords together and slather on some auto-tune and we’ll be in business. Let’s strike while the iron’s hot and make some of that easy money. Hit me up. PEACE!