Hey guys. If you’ve been reading all the blogs on the blog’o’sphere lately, you no doubt realize that #feminism is the most important and pressing issue in the world today. It’s officially #1 (that’s number 1, not hashtag one) on the list of world problems, beating out murder, world hunger, false imprisonment, poverty, lack of education, the militarization of police, global warming, the corporatization of government, illegal search and seizure, and the cancellation of Two and a Half Men.
The illuminati patriarchy continues to have a stranglehold on the rights of everybody, everywhere, at all times, and is solely responsible for every negative thing that transpires in modern society. What I propose, is that everybody do the right thing and stand up for human women’s rights, and share all of their views on the subject, whether those views are informed or not. The increased prevalence of overtly narcissistic behavior and acquisition of social media thumbs up are not the primary goal here, but a pleasant side effect nonetheless. Nobody on social media cares if you’ve actually researched a topic enough to know whether or not the data you’re passing off as accurate is factual or not. A thumbs-up knows not of the wonders of fact-checking.
My favorite brand of uninformed, yet mildly passionate social activism as of late, involves taking a sharpie and scrawling a half-baked thought on a piece of paper, or dry-erase board. At least two-thirds of these messages have nothing at all to do with oppression or inequality whatsoever, but remember, it’s the thought that counts. It doesn’t matter that your message is nonsensical if your viewers don’t know any better, and give you their re-blogs and thumbs-ups regardless. Don’t let the fact that things such as body image issues, rape, and gender roles can effect literally 100% of the population. If something effects everyone equally, it’s no longer oppression, and we can’t have that sad reality, now can we. Below are just three examples of this terrible social justice meme in action, that I’ve taken it upon myself to correct with a truthful rewrite.
The original caption on the above photo was “I need feminism because I’m tired of being called hysterical and over-sensitive”. And I’m tired of being called “lazy” and “an asshole”, but I only have my self to blame for that. You don’t see me holding up a sign blaming someone other than myself for my own personality shortcomings. Maybe instead of being the model of entitlement and expecting the world to change to accommodate you, you should work on improving yourself. If you have no problem being “hysterical”, then option number two is to grow up, become an adult, and stop letting what other people think or say about you bother you. Part of adulthood is leaving the narcissistic, self-centric qualities of children behind in order to become an individual who is resolute in who they are as a person. Or you can just continue to hold up signs blaming everyone else for your shortcomings and continue to remain unsatisfied with the world the rest of your life. Your choice.
Original caption: “I need feminism because ‘I don’t think many guys will kick you out of bed’ should not be the positive reactions I get for growing out my armpit hair”. Where do I even start with this one? First off, you are highlighting yourself as a grade-a narcissist if you are doing something as insignificant as not shaving armpit hair and expecting people to clap and throw you a parade because of it. You should do things in life because you legitimately want to do them, not because you have a desperate need for positive reinforcement from those around you. People have different views on what is attractive and what is not. Nobody has to find your armpit hair attractive, much in the same way you don’t have to find a 500-pound man or woman attractive. Like other people in your age group, you need to enter adulthood and stop caring what other people think about you. You also need to realize that everyone in life is going to have differing opinions on just about everything. That’s life. Oppression has absolutely nothing to do with it. Feminism has absolutely nothing to do with it.
The original caption on this one was “I need feminism because I’m tired of most women in media being damsels in distress or sex objects”. Are you tired of that, Brave Sir Lancelot? Are you now? I’ve got a few problems with your blatant pandering brave social justice stance here. First off, you’re a walking, talking beta-male meme in the flesh, and you expect me to believe you don’t watch tentacle-hentai-rape porn and bend over backwards to be patronizingly helpful to any woman you find attractive? Secondly, what media exactly are we talking about here, because every type of media I can think of is fairly prone to objectifying both sexes. When was the last time a guy who looked like you was in a cologne ad, a liquor ad, a mid-to-upscale fashion ad, on the cover of a romance novel, in a soap opera, or the leading man in a Hollywood blockbuster? Very rarely, if ever. Those spots are reserved for appealing, sexually attractive men who often have nice physiques, and are prone to being shirtless for absolutely no logical reason. Are your female friends (a stretch perhaps..) decrying that objectification? They most likely aren’t, because they enjoy seeing those chiseled abs and man-nips as much as you like seeing lady boobies and booties. Even those insufferable, entitled, bearers of flagrant double standards known as third-wave feminists enjoy the objectification of men, only they won’t refer to it as objectification because that would denote equality, and equality isn’t their goal. So stop being such a beta, and go back to watching that tentacle porn, you sniveling little dipshit. Peace!