I still don’t have a Twitter account, but here are more things I would post if I did that are more funny and/or clever than 99% of what gets posted on Twitter to begin with:
1) I saw a Burger King delivery car today. For the first time in my life, I finally feel like the future has arrived.
2) The other day, somebody asked me what I stood for. I done told em urination.
3) I like to play a game called “Cow giving birth, or Yoko Ono opening her mouth?”
4) If Steve Guttenberg ever opened a restaurant, I’d hope to be able to go in and order a gluten-free Guttenburger.
5) While on a bicycle, speed bumps become taint-detroyers.
6) The best thing about having long hair is people constantly trying to either bum cigarettes off you or sell you weed.
7) I think the Cinderella song “Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)” is probably about running out of toilet paper.
8) Six years ago, I assaulted a man with a chocolate eclair and was charged with delicious wounding.
9) If I lost a dog, I’d list his name as “Gerald The Zombie Destroyer” on the flier, even if I didn’t really believe he could destroy zombies.
10) I like to play a game called “3rd grade poetry, or lyrics to a hit song from the 50’s”.
#Seriously #WhatsThePoint