I Need Entitlement Feminism Because…

Hey guys.  If you’ve been reading all the blogs on the blog’o’sphere lately, you no doubt realize that #feminism is the most important and pressing issue in the world today.  It’s officially #1 (that’s number 1, not hashtag one) on the list of world problems, beating out murder, world hunger, false imprisonment, poverty, lack of education, the militarization of police, global warming, the corporatization of government, illegal search and seizure, and the cancellation of Two and a Half Men.

The illuminati patriarchy continues to have a stranglehold on the rights of everybody, everywhere, at all times, and is solely responsible for every negative thing that transpires in modern society.  What I propose, is that everybody do the right thing and stand up for human women’s rights, and share all of their views on the subject, whether those views are informed or not.  The increased prevalence of overtly narcissistic behavior and acquisition of social media thumbs up are not the primary goal here, but a pleasant side effect nonetheless.  Nobody on social media cares if you’ve actually researched a topic enough to know whether or not the data you’re passing off as accurate is factual or not.  A thumbs-up knows not of the wonders of fact-checking.

My favorite brand of uninformed, yet mildly passionate social activism as of late, involves taking a sharpie and scrawling a half-baked thought on a piece of paper, or dry-erase board.  At least two-thirds of these messages have nothing at all to do with oppression or inequality whatsoever, but remember, it’s the thought that counts.  It doesn’t matter that your message is nonsensical if your viewers don’t know any better, and give you their re-blogs and thumbs-ups regardless.  Don’t let the fact that things such as body image issues, rape, and gender roles can effect literally 100% of the population.  If something effects everyone equally, it’s no longer oppression, and we can’t have that sad reality, now can we.  Below are just three examples of this terrible social justice meme in action, that I’ve taken it upon myself to correct with a truthful rewrite.


Feminism Fail

The original caption on the above photo was “I need feminism because I’m tired of being called hysterical and over-sensitive”.  And I’m tired of being called “lazy” and “an asshole”, but I only have my self to blame for that.  You don’t see me holding up a sign blaming someone other than myself for my own personality shortcomings.  Maybe instead of being the model of entitlement and expecting the world to change to accommodate you, you should work on improving yourself.  If you have no problem being “hysterical”, then option number two is to grow up, become an adult, and stop letting what other people think or say about you bother you.  Part of adulthood is leaving the narcissistic, self-centric qualities of children behind in order to become an individual who is resolute in who they are as a person.  Or you can just continue to hold up signs blaming everyone else for your shortcomings and continue to remain unsatisfied with the world the rest of your life.  Your choice.


Armpit Hair Feminist

Original caption: “I need feminism because ‘I don’t think many guys will kick you out of bed’ should not be the positive reactions I get for growing out my armpit hair”.  Where do I even start with this one?  First off, you are highlighting yourself as a grade-a narcissist if you are doing something as insignificant as not shaving armpit hair and expecting people to clap and throw you a parade because of it.  You should do things in life because you legitimately want to do them, not because you have a desperate need for positive reinforcement from those around you.  People have different views on what is attractive and what is not.  Nobody has to find your armpit hair attractive, much in the same way you don’t have to find a 500-pound man or woman attractive.  Like other people in your age group, you need to enter adulthood and stop caring what other people think about you.  You also need to realize that everyone in life is going to have differing opinions on just about everything.  That’s life.  Oppression has absolutely nothing to do with it.  Feminism has absolutely nothing to do with it.


Feminist Beta Male

The original caption on this one was “I need feminism because I’m tired of most women in media being damsels in distress or sex objects”.  Are you tired of that, Brave Sir Lancelot?  Are you now?  I’ve got a few problems with your blatant pandering brave social justice stance here.  First off, you’re a walking, talking beta-male meme in the flesh, and you expect me to believe you don’t watch tentacle-hentai-rape porn and bend over backwards to be patronizingly helpful to any woman you find attractive?  Secondly, what media exactly are we talking about here, because every type of media I can think of is fairly prone to objectifying both sexes.  When was the last time a guy who looked like you was in a cologne ad, a liquor ad, a mid-to-upscale fashion ad, on the cover of a romance novel, in a soap opera, or the leading man in a Hollywood blockbuster?  Very rarely, if ever.  Those spots are reserved for appealing, sexually attractive men who often have nice physiques, and are prone to being shirtless for absolutely no logical reason.  Are your female friends (a stretch perhaps..) decrying that objectification?  They most likely aren’t, because they enjoy seeing those chiseled abs and man-nips as much as you like seeing lady boobies and booties.  Even those insufferable, entitled, bearers of flagrant double standards known as third-wave feminists enjoy the objectification of men, only they won’t refer to it as objectification because that would denote equality, and equality isn’t their goal.  So stop being such a beta, and go back to watching that tentacle porn, you sniveling little dipshit.  Peace!

Homeless “Social Experiment” Videos Are Scams

You’ve probably seen these videos popping up all over facebook and getting passed around on social media, all the while racking up millions of views.  Some unassuming millennial gent walks up to a homeless person and gives him a hundred bucks or something like that.  “Oh, how sweet!  I need to share this video with everyone, because humanity and kindness sure are great!” you might be saying to yourself as you click that “share” button.  The problem is, humanity and kindness have absolutely nothing to do with these videos being created.  When said millennial gent starts walking up to a homeless person with hundred dollar in hand, charity is usually the last thing on his mind.

Go to youtube and enter something like “homeless experiment” or “homeless charity” and go down the list and count every video that has millions of views.  Keep in mind though, that most of those videos are on partnered, revenue-sharing youtube accounts.  When these individuals get millions of views because of their “kindness”, they end up raking in thousands of dollars (if not more) as a result.  Would you grab a camera and a hundred dollar bill and film yourself “being kind” to a homeless individual if it meant you would practically be guaranteed a tenfold return on your investment for doing so.  If you would, you aren’t alone, as those search results so clearly indicate.

At some point, somebody on youtube decided to do a “social experiment” involving giving charity to some down-on-their-luck homeless guy on the street somewhere, and racked up a shit-ton of views in the process.  Now, perhaps the first instance of this happening was actually done out of kindness, being that there was no way of knowing this genre of video would become so large and profitable.  The thing is, once that video became successful, all the profit chasers out there suddenly had a new type of video to create in order to make a quick and easy paycheck.  When someone releases a filmed video of themselves engaging in charity of some sort, they are doing so because it will ultimately be profitable for them in the long run.  There is absolutely no other reason to post such a video on a public forum.  It is a self-serving act, pure and simple.  Do you honestly think any of these kids would be handing that much money over to a homeless person if they weren’t recording the act?

I’m sure it’s great for the homeless guy who gets a hundred dollar bill, but ultimately he’s just being used as a prop in a video filmed for the sole purpose of going viral and becoming profitable.  The guy(s) filming the video don’t care about the subject.  Absolutely any homeless person will do for filling the role of Homeless Guy #7 in their current youtube production.  If this target ends up reacting in some profound, touching, unintended way, all the better.  That can only mean more views, more likes, more shares, and ultimately, more profit.  The whole “homeless charity” genre is really just an offshoot of those terrible videos where a white kid from the ‘burbs goes to the hood to try to instigate a group of black guys into trying to fight him.  Both types of videos are completely planned out and edited with the intent of buying into people’s sensitivities and/or racist proclivities.

So stop sharing these videos, stop liking these videos, and stop subscribing to channels who post these kinds of videos.  If you want to feel good about a homeless person receiving a little money, go out and give money to a needy person yourself.  Stop helping these internet weasels make money off using homeless people as a means to an end.

New Planet Earth Flag

How’s it going, all you Earthlings?  I don’t know if you heard, but recently some dude called Oskar Pernefeldt designed a flag to represent our planet Earth on the Universal field.  You know… like if we ever have to face off in the World Cup versus Neptune or something, we’re gonna need a sweet flag for the spectators to wave around.  “Go Earth!”  To be honest though, I find his flag to be a little uninspired.  I mean, he went to design school somewhere, and the flag he designed looks like a line drawing of a Chrysanthemum or something.  Take a look for yourself:


Oskar Flag


Now I didn’t go to a design school or anything, but I do have a lot of spare time and a fancy $40 drawing tablet, so I figured I’d try my hand at coming up with a flag to better represent Earth.  Below are my first three designs, but I could probably bust out dozens more since Earth flags is a topic that interests me so much.  Hopefully NASA, or the White House or whomever is in charge of flags has a change of heart and decides that my flags are a better choice for representing this fine planet at the 2034 Pluto Olympics.  It would make me proud to have my design on all sorts of hats, and sweaters, and beer coozies, and key chains, and mouse pads, and fanny packs, and whatever else an Earth flag might logically show up on.  Check em out:


Earth Flag


This was my first design.  I took the best elements of all the flags on Earth, and added that little something extra to truly make it representative of our planet.  I think that if aliens ever saw this flag, they would be impressed with our planet, much in the same way that I’m impressed I was able to think up a design that was this awesome.


Earth Flag


Here is my second design.  It’s more of an alternate design on the first, rather than a complete reworking of the entire design.  I felt that the text was necessary to really drive home that this was the official flag of Earth.  If there was a flag with Uranus on it, I highly doubt anyone would know it was Uranus unless the flag specifically said “Planet Uranus” on it somewhere.  Otherwise they might just think it was a flag for the Moon or a manhole cover or something like that.  I used American for the language on the flag because I’m sure most aliens probably speak American, and not some obscure language like Chinese or Hispanic.


USA Earth Flag


Here is my third and final design.  I gotta tell the truth…  I really knocked it out of the park with this one.  I should seriously get paid for this design, even though I set out to create this flag purely from a humanitarian standpoint.  If I was a Saturnian facing off against the Earth in a heated game of Cribbage for the plutonium medal, I’d probably be shitting my alien britches after seeing this bad boy waving majestically in the wind.  I think this flag adequately represents everything that is important about the planet we live on.  So hopefully whomever is voting on this whole flag business isn’t blind, or a commie, and makes the right choice.  The only choice.  Thank you for your time.


image sources:
earth – xenosaga.wikia.com
statue of liberty – pdccapitalgroup.com
eagle – pixabay.com
F150 – qualitygear.com
hotdog – lowereastsidekosher.com
jet – servometer.com
explosion – specialeffectsstock.com