Celebrity Halloween Candids

Hey there sir or madam.  You wanna know something?  Contrary to popular belief, celebrities are just like us.  They go to sleep.  They make crucial poopies.  They even don’t like having kumquats lobbed at their facial bits.  Just like you and me!  Who would have thought it?

Another things stars like to do, is get decked out in sweet Halloween costumes on October 31st, and go rage with unbridled pagan fury all around Hollywood.  Don’t believe me?  Well perhaps you should stop being such a negative drain on everyone you come in contact with, and peep these photographs I have posted for you.  Peep them real good now.  Then try to stop being such a dick and turn your life around before it’s too late and everybody starts to hate you.  Yolo!

Hillary Duff Juggalo
Well looky who we have here.  It’s shining star of screen and stage: Hillary Duff, sister of shining star of screen and stage: Haley Duff.  Not many people are aware of the fact that in addition to being a fan of carrying around fashion accessory animals, Hillary is also a fan of the Insane Clown Posse.  In this photo, she was on her way to the Go & Kum Mart on 5th Street to pick up some Faygo™ brand soda before heading off to a Halloween party at George Clooney’s house.

Kardashian Immortal
Who could this be, eating a savory salad because she legitimately likes the taste, and not just in case a photo opportunity arises?  Why, it’s star of an appallingly boring sex tape and nothing much else: Kim Kardashian!  Did you know that in addition to being friends with fellow famous-for-no-reason personality Paris Hilton, Kim is also a huge fan of the band Immortal?  Shortly after this photo was taken, she attended a party at future ex-husband Kanye West’s mansion.

Rhianna Kiss
Who’s that fine young lady right there?  I’m pretty sure it’s that Reyanna chick.  I think in this photo, she was thinking about that bitchin’ Rainbow Trout she caught last week at Lake Cucamonga.  That, or she’s trying to remember what you call those things that you put other things into.  Regardless, she’s obviously a Kiss fan, or at very least a fan of sexually ambiguous guitar players.  And while we’re on the topic of creepy guys, what’s up with that stalkerish guy wearing the “COWBONER” hat back there?  Move along there, creepy-balls.

Happy Halloween!  Remember not to eat any AIDS candy.

If Historical Speeches Were Written Today – MLK

Ever noticed how people’s writing skills have become more “mouth breather-esque” over the last decade or two?  No?  I haven’t either.  Regardless, the purpose of this post is to reimagine what a famous speech from the past would look like if someone without passable English skills had written it.  If somebody from the Twitter generation had written Martin Luther King Jr’s famous “I Have a Dream” speech, I think it would go a little something like this:


I got a dream that 1 day this nation is gunna rize up and live out teh tru meening of it’s crede – we hold these truthes to be self evadent that all men R created =.

I got a dream that 1 day on the red hillz of Georgia, the suns of formar slaves and the suns of fomar slave ownerz R gunna be able to sit down 2gether at the tabel of brutherhood.

I got a dream that 1 day even the stait of Misisppi a st8 swelting with the heat of enjustice, sweltering with the heat ov opression will be transformed in2 an oasis of freedum and justise.

I got a dream that my 4 little kidz will 1 day liv in a n8shun were they will not be judged by the color of there skins but by the content ov there character.

I got a dream 2day!

I got a deam that 1 day, down in Alabama with it’s vishush racists, with it’s governer havin his lips drippin with the words ov interposishun and nulificashun, 1 day right their in allabama littel black boyz and balck girls will B abel to joyn hands with little wite boys and wite girls as sisterz and brutherz.

I got a dream 2day!

I got a dream that 1 day evrey valley will B exalted and every hill N mountane shall B made lo the ruff places will B maid plane and the crooked places will B made strait, and the glory of the lord shall B reveeled and all flesh shall see it 2gether.

This iz our hope n this iz the faith that i go back 2 da south with.

With dis faith we will B able 2 hue out ov teh mountane ov despare a stone ov hope.  With dis faith we will B able 2 tranzform teh janglin discords ov are nashun in2 a butiful simfony ov brotherhood.  With dis faith we will B able 2 work 2gether 2 pray 2gether 2 strugle 2gether 2 go 2 jail 2gether 2 stand up 4 freedumb 2gether noing that we will B free 1 day.


I’m going to stop right there before your eyes start to bleed too much.  You get the picture though.  If MLK were alive today to give a speech and he picked somebody at random out of the youtube comments section to write it up, this is approximately what the end result would be.  Just look at all the numbers in that last sentence.  It either looks like a math problem or Prince had a song-titling seizure caught on word processor.  Sleep tight knowing that the future looks bright and literate.  Katch U L8r!


Rare Black Metal Promo Shots

Hello there empty nothingness of the internet.  I know that you don’t really care for extreme metal music, or music in general, being that you’re an empty void and all, but I figured I’d share these with you.  You see, when black metal musicians take promo photos, the goal is to look as badass or “kvlt” as possible.  “Kvlt” simply means “cult” or underground, but is spelled as “kvlt” because black metal originated in Rome in 1435.  This is all common knowledge, so I won’t bore you with the details.

Anywhat, I have in my possession some rare early promotional photos by a few such black metal groups.  Nowadays, it’s all the rage to shoot your band pictures in grim places, like a forest in the middle of the Norwegian wilderness, or in a cave, in front of a sleeping Yeti.  But as you’ll see in these early photos, black metal musicians originally shot their promo pictures is decidedly less grim environments.  Feast your sweet little eye globes on these:

Immortal Playground

Here is the band Immortal, posing at a Chuck E. Cheese’s in Boise Idaho in 1991.  Shortly after this photo was taken, the band was removed from the premises for not removing their boots before entering the ball pit.

Immortal Ballpit

Here is another early Immortal promo shot.  This one was taken at Uncle Gizmo’s Fun Zone in Crapsteak, North Dakota.  Later that day Abbath got the 3rd place score on the venue’s Galaga arcade machine, entering “T I T” as his name on the entry screen.

Behemoth Playground

Finally we have a never-before seen publicity shot of Behemoth posing in front of McDonald’s franchise #13,765 in Hambasket, New Mexico.  Originally they were going to pose with a Koala, but on the day of the shoot, all the animal wrangler could book was an extinct Tropical Crow.


So there you have it.  I hope this post was informative.  My number one goal with these posts is to educate after all.  A healthy mind is a mind that works good.  Until next time!

Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter #3

Remember back in the day when everybody used to use that site called Twitter, which was essentially glorified internet phone texting for people with sub-standard English skills?  Wait…  That site still exists.  Well, if my IQ were low enough to use it, these are things I would post:

1) I’m gonna open up a Broga studio.  It’s for dudes who wanna get their stretch on, but don’t like to eat brussel sprouts and drive Priuses.

2) Am I indecisive?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I really don’t know.  Let me think about it for a bit.

3) I like to play a game whilst reading through online comments sections called: “Foreign or retarded”.

4) “Bleaching your whites” sounds like something that should qualify as a hate crime.

5) I’d enjoy Labor Day more if it were renamed “No-Labor Day”.

6) If I had to describe the internet to someone, I’d have to say: “Stupid people calling other stupid people stupid from behind computers”.

7) Somebody “not agreeing” with a gay person’s life style is a funny thought.  Like not agreeing with somebody being Asian.

8) An iPad sounds like something you’d use to stop your WikiLeaks.

9) Thanks to Miley Cyrus, everytime I see a Kraftwerk album I instinctively read the name as Kraf-Twerk.

10) I think the best magicians all used to be mobsters.  Why else would they be so good at making people disappear?

#PoundSign #SomeonesPhoneNumber

Judging a Movie by Its Cover

Have you ever heard the idiom “Don’t judge a book by its cover”?  Those are very wise words to live by.  You can’t possibly judge the content of a written work solely by a single arbitrary image.  You ever heard the idiom “Don’t judge a movie by its cover”?  You haven’t?  That’s because it doesn’t exist, Billy.  That’s because you can in fact judge a movie by its cover.  How convenient!  I haven’t seen any of the following movies, but luckily I don’t need to in order to review them.  Because they all have covers.  Here we go!


The Parent Trap
More like “The Parent Crap”.  Am I right?  What a horrible movie this is.  Disney put this out?  Where the hell are all the animated spatulas and tube socks?  And two Lindsay Lohans?  Because one future drug-addled train wreck in this movie wasn’t enough?  This movie should be called The Parent Nightmare… having two daughters you have to bail out of jail every 2 weeks.  “Special Double Trouble Edition”?  Yea, no shit.


What’s The Worst That Could Happen
Well for one, a movie could exist starring Martin Lawrence and Danny Devito.  And also… the tag line “It takes a thief to nail a crook” is terrible because it leads me so believe that the movie contains gratuitous midget on midget sex scenes.  For that, I cannot recommend this movie.


Notting Hill
I’m gonna be honest with you.  This is not(ting) a good movie.  How could any movie possibly be good with cover art that cost $23 to produce.  I can photoshop better crap than this using MS Paint while drunk.  Why is Julia Robert in blue tint instead of color, and more importantly, why is Julia Roberts even in Hollywood movies at all?  She has less acting range than the dog from Air Bud.  Skip this one and rent Dunston Checks In instead.


Another Danny Devito movie.  I’m noticing a theme here.  That theme of course being that Danny Devito has absolutely no standards in his career choices.  He was in Throw Momma From The Train, but a lot of 40-plus year actors have had a 5-star film or two under their belt.  Arnold Schwartzellwegger is apparently pregnant in this movie, but I’m doubtful that it’s going to be the Citizen Kane of the pregnant guy genre. “Nothing is inconceivable”, except how the person who gave this movie the go-ahead survived the amount of drugs they would have had to be on to green-light this movie.

Good Luck Chuck
Good luck sitting through this movie, Chuck.  Dane Cook is in this movie?  Great!  Does it contain any dick and doodoo jokes perchance, or does it contain his higher-brow comedic social commentary.  The tagline of this movie is “Sometimes love blows”.  For the life of me, I can’t think of any clever way to spin that.  Luckily one of the other 27 tag lines is “Get ready to get lucky”.  Like getting lucky and having your plane crash after finding out this is going to be the in-flight movie.

Taking Pictures of Art

Why do people insist on taking pictures of art?  What exactly is the purpose of taking pictures of something that will always exist in its current form, unchanged? Do you need proof to show others that you indeed saw that picture in person? Are you afraid that the current situation is the only time you’ll ever be able to witness that particular work of art? Do you not realize that there are plenty of high resolution pictures of the Mona Lisa online that are of far greater quality than the shitty picture you’re more than likely taking?

Your terrible, badly-lit, out-of-focus shots won’t be better than all the professional images that exist out there, accessible to anyone with an internet connection.

I can only guess that people taking pictures of art are fueled by that same subtle narcissism that requires people to collect selfies with every famous person they come into contact with. Sure, these photos could exist to serve as reminders of a particular situation to be reminisced over at some later date, but I have a feeling they’re taken more often than not to elicit attention from a social circle.

Hey everybody. Look at this picture of that painting that I took. I was in this location, and you weren’t. I got to “meet” that guy from Big Bang Theory and you didn’t. Shower me with attention and validation for being in a location that you weren’t at. Give me points on social media for being somewhere at the right time with a camera that takes pictures.

I also wonder just how many people who record video at concerts ever actually rewatch that footage. They certainly aren’t all uploading it to the internet so that everybody can enjoy it. Of the 30 kids holding up their phones at that show, maybe two of them actually upload the video to Youtube. At one show, I legitimately had a girl in front of me holding her phone up, recording another hand holding a phone, because she wasn’t paying attention to what she was recording. What a dummy. Thanks for obscuring my view and taking away from my experience so that you could record unusable footage, you little tard-fest.

In conclusion, people who need to take pictures of everything and record everything with their phones are usually pointless cattle. Not always, but usually.