Up Your Roommate Game, Bro.

Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of roommates and housemates.  Most of them were downright terrible, but a few were actually quite serviceable.  Coincidentally, the very first website I ever had, roughly 15 years ago, was a blog of sorts (before the term even existed), wherein I chronicled how terrible one of my college roommates was at being serviceable.  It was a pretty funny, lemme tell ya, but you’ll have to take my word for it, because I have no idea what the address was, or if that data even still exists on a server somewhere.  Save for a few college buds, I’ve never mentioned any of these roommates, but I’m gonna mention one now, so prepare your anal bits accordingly.

Back in the day, I lived with a fella in a townhouse, in a city, in a state, in a country that was more than likely America.  This fella was nice guy, but would do the most ridiculous shit.  Now, when you live with somebody, you expect a little bit of tomfoolery and shenanigans, but sometimes a fella just takes it too far.  This dude, who we’ll call Melk Templeton, or “Melk” for short, was a real pain my my keester.  He was constantly finding new ways to make me want to slap him in the gosh-darn mouth parts.  Generally, I’m fairly accepting of a housemate’s quirks, but when they have so dig-dab many of ’em, you just gotta write a passive-aggressive blog post on the world wide web, and air out the grievances.  So here is a somewhat partial list of all the stuff this dude would do, that I don’t miss at all.

Does my fan bother you?
I have always preferred to have a fan running in my room most of the time, both because I get hot easily, and also because I enjoy ambient noise.  A few weeks into living in a house with Melk, it started to get warmer outside, and I decided to start running my fan.  Now keep in mind, this was a small, plastic fan, about a foot in circumference, and slightly louder than a computer fan.  At some point, I went over to Melk’s room, which was on the other side of one of my walls, to ask him about something.  As I’m leaving he says “Hey man… do you hear that?”  “Uh, no. What exactly are we listening for?” I question.  “There’s some humming sound. Are you running something in your room?” he derpingly questioned.  I told him I had a small fan going, but other than that, no.  “Oh.  Man it’s driving me nuts.  Why do you have it on?” he blathers.  “Because it’s hot out.  And it keeps me from being hot.” I reply.  “Alright. Man it’s annoying. I can wear headphones though I guess.”  Yes you can, Melk.  You can, and you will.

You tryin’ to become my doppelganger?
I shared a bathroom with ole’ Melk, and as you can probably imagine, he was annoying in the bathroom as well.  I had somewhat long hair at the time, and as such, needed to use conditioner to keep my unruly hair from tangling up.  A little while after living together, I started noticing that someone had been getting into my conditioner other than me.  Perhaps it was a racoon or something.  Nope.  I could tell Captain Melk was using it, because the cap was always open.  I always left the cap closed, and racoons didn’t even get into our bathroom.  The best part of all was that my buddy boy here had hair that was like half an inch long.  You ain’t even need conditioner, bro!  So why were you trying to be like me?

That ain’t all though.  Soon after, he went out and bought my same shampoo so that he could complete the fan-boy transformation.  Now I gotta remember which shampoo is mine, you big goof!  You should grab a sharpie and draw a “CCM” on yours to stand for Copy Cat McGee. #smh (hashtag: shake my head)

You tryin’ to be Carlos Mencia Jr?
I had a mutual friend with Melk Melkington, who I’ll refer to as Bibot Supplekins.  Bibot was a funny gentleman who would do humorous things on nonstop rotation.  One of the things he would do, was to play guitar while making up ridiculous lyrics about whomever was in the near vicinity at the time.  A bit of observational musical comedy if you will.  It sounds kind of lame on paper, but he was good at it, and dropped them panties like a nuclear physicist, while making everybody jealous and ending racism and Ebola to boot.

Well, a certain somebody noticed that people found this act funny, and tried to get in on the action as well.  Guess who it was?  His name starts with an “M”.  No, not Tommy Two-Thumbs.  That doesn’t even start with an “M”.  Try again.  Yep!  It was ole’ Melk “Melky Way” Dinglebert.  He’d desperately try to come up with funny observational lyrics while playing guitar, and failed so hard that his future kids will probably feel the burning shame.  He found it funny, but it just made everyone else cringe and wish he’d get get hit by a car, even when he was indoors.  Maybe you should have tried coming up with your own humor, rather than trying to copy Bibot.  You’ll never be as funny at Bibot.  Sorry to break the news to you, Melk.

Do I look like a taxi to you?
Wanna know another annoying thing that Melk TurgidTits used to do?  Whenever he was having problems with his car, which was often, because his car was stupid, he’d try to get other people to drive him all over the place.  Now, I can understand helping a bro out if he’s in a time of need, but a bro better not take advantage of a bro’s hospitality.  Ole’ Melky Melk Melk used to have a bike and was apparently some sort of bike aficionado.  He would talk about how he’d bike this-a way, and bike that-a way, then turn around and ask you to drive him a few blocks away for something that wasn’t even important.  Dude.  Why don’t you just bike there?  Or maybe even walk, so you don’t end up turning into a chubby little Melk Melk.  Just don’t ask your friends to inconvenience themselves for something completely unnecessary, or something you could quickly and easily handle on your own.  Real talk!

Are you doing this shit on purpose?
Remember how I said ole’ Melky SmegmaNutz was annoying in matters of the bathroom?  That was just the tip o’ the iceberg, kiddies.  Check this nonsense out.  At one point during this living situation, my esteemed roommate was in between jobs.  The thing is, he would continue to get up early in the morning and tie up the bathroom, despite not actually having anywhere he needed to go.  I still got up at the same time as usual, and had to wait for him to dick-off in the bathroom every morning before I could handle my man-business and head off to work.

Dammit Melktron.  Can’t you just wait until after the working individuals have used the bathroom until you go in there and play with sailboats in the bathtub, or whatever it is you do?  You’re like one of those dudes from a comedy movie who still goes through the motions and pretends to go to work so your old lady doesn’t find out.  Except you don’t have an old lady, and I’m well aware that you’re just going to spend the day sitting around the house doing Sudoku puzzles, and eating Cheerios.  Would it kill you to just wait like ten extra minutes before you go into the bathroom and trim up your landing strip?  For gosh sakes!

First the fan, now this shit. Seriously bro?
The great fan-noise fiasco of the early 2000’s was all but a distant memory in our hearts, but a greater tragedy was looming on the horizon.  One night, a friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen in years was in town, and decided to drop on by and visit me.  We kicked it and cold chilled inside for a while, but decided to go out on the deck since it was such a lovely night out.  So there we were, just straight up cold lampin’, when my totally even-keeled roommate comes out and complains that we were being too loud.  Mind you, we were sitting three feet away from each other, outdoors, talking in normal indoor voices, but somehow this offended his goofy ears through the house walls.  It was also 10PM at most, and he totally didn’t have anything to do the next day.

“Alright. We’ll keep it down” I said, and he slithered back off to his porn dungeon.  About 5 minutes later he came back out and complained yet again that we were being too loud.  I explained that we had literally been talking at the same level that he was currently talking to us right now, and to “Chill the gosh darn heck out… please, sir.”  I think he got mad a third time, and we eventually went inside to avoid any future onslaughts of bitching and moaning.

I tell you what though.  You need to man up, Melk n’ Cookies.  Stop being such a square and learn to kick it old school every once in a while.  Stop getting your pantaloons in a bunch over every little thing.  Help me, help you, to be the best you, that you can be.  Learn to tolerate the blaring noise of a small indoor table fan.  Learn to grow out some natty dreads if you’re looking to lather up your dome piece with conditioner.  Work out your own comedic material so that you can perform at the open mic night in our hearts.  Get a real car, like a PT Cruiser, or Toyota Tercel, so that you can take the ladies out to a fancy pizza dinner and run errands like a complete champion.  And lastly, don’t cockblock an O.G. relationship, simply because you like complete vacuum chamber quiet while you grease your meat whistle to some elbow porn. God bless.  #Kony2012

The Wrong Side Of History

I’m seeing a lot of people in preschool on social media proclaiming certain individuals to be on the “right” side of history and others to be on the “wrong” side.  Bernie Sanders is on the “right” side of history, because he showed up to a few rallies in the past in support of civil rights.  Of course this somehow means he is completely infallible and qualified to be the president in the eyes of certain groups of people.  Donald Trump is on the “wrong” side of history, because he says things that go against what we’ve been indoctrinated to believe by an overwhelmingly liberal media.  Of course this somehow means that he is “Hitler”, and the worst thing to happen to America in forever.

The truth of the matter is that the “right” side of history is the side that protects the freedoms of of the individual.  This just so happens to include the protection of free speech.  Anyone who tries to silence someone else whom they disagree with, is the on the wrong side of history.  There has never been a time in history I can think of, wherein the “right” side of a conflict actively tried to silence the other.  Let’s take the civil rights movements for example.  Were blacks trying to silence the white establishment, or was it the other way around?  How about the genocide of the Jews at the hands of the Nazis?  Were the Jews trying to repress the German’s freedoms, or did the opposite happen?

So when you see anyone, on either side of this political circus trying to block, silence, or shut down the other side, you are witnessing the “wrong” side of history in action.  Unfortunately for Bernie Sanders, despite his record of being on the “right” side of history, a nice portion of his groupies are increasingly displaying their propensity for being enemies of free speech.  Enemies of free speech are consequently also enemies of freedom and the Constitution.  Enemies of… America. (cue patriotic music)  As I’ve started time and time again on this site, freedom of speech applies to everybody, not just your side.

Granted, Trump’s supporters also have a tendency to be a bunch of knuckleheads as well, but this just shows that the same harmful mentality tends to follow both of these candidates.  They both may be “outsiders” within their own parties, but both continue to represent everything that is wrong with their respective parties.  A large portion of these two groups subscribe to that “us vs them” soccer hooligan mentality that has all but caused this country to grind to a halt, and become increasingly divided.  “My party is the epitome of everything good and the other party is pure evil!”, exclaimed both parties simultaneously.  It’s kind of like watching two obese people argue over which fast food restaurant is healthier.  Just realize that you’re both going to die early of heart disease.

As far as the Hitler comparisons go, both parties reflect shades of fascism.  Fascism is defined by a belief in one true party, authoritarian control over the individual, and violence as a means of accomplishing an end.  As previously mentioned, both of these parties like to fancy themselves as being the “correct” party, while viewing the other as the flawed, incorrect party, rather than seeing themselves as two different varieties of essentially the same thing.  Both also love pushing their authoritarianism onto the country; the red controlling what you can do with your body, and the blue dictating what can be said or what is allowed to be owned.  Lastly, both tend to attract volatile types, who view violent opposition as an acceptable reaction to those who have differing views.

To wrap this up, neither party is necessarily on the “right” side of history, because the future hasn’t happened yet, and can’t be predicted.  You can only tell if somebody was on the right side of history in retrospect.  Both parties have been responsible for a wealth of terrible ideas that have had a negative impact on this country.  Both parties continually attract individuals who aren’t particularly intelligent, engage in mud-slinging rather than rational discourse, and are easily manipulated into voting against their own best interests.  If you’re truly looking to be on the “right” side of history, always take the position of protecting everybody’s freedom of speech.  The second you feel it’s alright to silence another individual’s opinion or viewpoint, you’ve officially cemented your position as being on the “wrong” side of history.  Now stop shitposting your inane political memes all over social media.  Thanks!


BuzzFeed Response Video (Dildo Remix)

Hey there sir and/or madam.  Long before I started this website, I used to dick around making youtube videos.  Until now, I haven’t really felt the need to cross-promote the two separate entities, but the more I think about it, why would I not push both equally?  I put a lot of time into creating sophomoric content on both, and it would be nice to achieve some sort of reach in both.  So I reckon I’ll probably start posting the videos I create to this site as well.  I won’t post everything, but those that fit the “vibe” of this site will be more likely to go up.

This one is a parody response to a much maligned video that BuzzFeed posted, called 36 Questions Women Have For Men.  The video is pretty much a list of petty grievances, statistical verbatims and anecdotal gripes aimed at men.  There is no analogous video aimed at women, but BuzzFeed’s largest demographic is eternally single cat ladies, so that makes sense.  Regardless, I decided to make a response after seeing someone else (a female) post a response video, and getting a hearty chuckle.  So essentially, I’m an uncreative follower.  My video has a dildo in it though, so there’s that at least.


America Doesn’t Understand How To Protest

America is in a sad state of affairs right now.  People get more offended and outraged by absolutely anything these days than any other time in this country that I am aware of.  You have college kids complaining about Halloween costumes.  You have other college kids basically complaining that colleges aren’t segregated enough.  You have even more college students trying to boycott speakers they don’t agree with.  There are people protesting that police are killing citizens of a particular race, all the while seemingly uninterested with all the other colors of people that police have also been killing.  There are even people protesting that other people are dispensing actual factual statistics about constructed oppression narratives.

I tend to blame most of this on the narcissistic, one-sided, bias-affirming nature of social media.  In the past, if you held a view and felt the need to air that view out in public, you would also need to be willing to be confronted by people who might actually provide an opposing view.  In the current era of selective friend-collecting and rampant thumbs-up desperation, it’s possible for individuals to state an opinion while being surrounded by only people who share that same view, regardless of how well thought-out that view actually is.  If you hold some particular view, and only willingly surround yourself with people who parrot that same view, you tend to develop the sense that you are right about that view, regardless of the facts.  If I believe that the ocean is orange, and only surround myself with people who also believe the ocean is orange, I have effectively proven that the ocean is orange via my own self-constructed web of bias.

This largely explains what is wrong with many of these whiney college children out there.  They went from the life of high school student, dependent on their parents, rarely needing to formulate a well-developed opinion on anything, right into being a college student.  A college student who all of a sudden feels that they have an obligation to start voicing their opinions on the world, despite not being worldly, and not having learned how to formulate an opinion that isn’t merely regurgitated in the first place.  Colleges are predominantly liberal institutions, so it makes sense that college kids would adopt and mimic the sensibilities of those who are”teaching” them about the world.  This is quite similar to the way a racist father tends to raise a racist child, or why youngsters tend to mirror the political leanings of their parents.  Kids are being fed a one-sided dialogue instead of being taught how to engage in critical thinking and actually question the information they are bombarded with.

When kids decide to protest things on college campuses, the majority of the time, all they are doing is complaining that someone doesn’t express the same view that they do.  They have been taught that there is a “correct” way and a “wrong” way to think about given subjects, and then react in a childlike manner when that view is tested. The rise of trigger warnings and safe spaces is merely their way of trying to justify, via buzzwords, this childish mindset of being unable to handle perspectives outside of their own indoctrinated views.  This very much represents a failing of the college system to help kids grow into open-minded freethinkers.  Instead they have created waves of brats who protest things that aren’t remotely worthy of being protested.  If somebody says something you don’t agree with, your course of action as an intellectual, is to rightfully disagree and move on with your life, or engage in a civil debate on the topic.  You don’t take to social media and try to start a movement, or try to get some form of authority to block that individual’s freedom of speech.

Back when I was in college, in the pre-baby-era, groups with various agendas were given free reign to have peaceful protests in the main quad area of our campus.  It was not unusual to get out of class and pass a group of Christians with signs picketing abortion, complete with requisite graphic photos.  Members of the LaRouche movement could also regularly be found carrying on about something, of which I have no idea, because I was too busy racing back to my dorm to be antisocial and play some Quake3 on those speedy college servers.  Regardless of who was on campus though, there was never any violence that I’m aware of, and students never decided to protest or try to get anyone removed from campus.  The students seemed to understand the concepts of freedom of speech and differing opinions.  Needless to say, I’m thankful I went to college when I did, and avoided the baby-era altogether.

It’s not only college kids who can’t seem to grasp when something is worthy of protesting, and when it isn’t, however.  You have groups like third-wave feminists whose more extremist branches have taken to protesting anyone who doesn’t goosestep along to their ideology, even going so far as to assault people, make attempts to get people fired, and call in bomb threats at events.  Those all seem like rational adult ways to go about engaging in a public discourse about current events.  If all these toddler-sensibility types were recent college grads it might make sense that they believe that anyone with a dissenting opinion is an “enemy” who needs to be disposed of, rather than debated, but unfortunately some of these third-wavers are grown-ass adults.  Once again though, when you have a group of people who are isolated in their own group, left to stew in their own ideologies and anger, they start to view themselves as being on the right side of any discourse.

In steps social media again, as all the oppressed and disenfranchised are bombarded with stories and tweets about people acting like complete fools in the face of those they disagree with.  Word on the street is that when you disagree with something, all you need to do is act like a petulant child, receive a little press for doing so, and you’ve as good at won the battle.  Never mind the fact that most of the rational human beings witnessing these infantile outbursts can’t help but feel that you’re mildly underdeveloped in the grey matter department.

This mindset unfortunately starts to spread around the populace like a highly contagious disease.  The next thing you know, you’ve got people blocking traffic to somehow protest police violence.  Blocking a highway to protest a corrupt police force is like protesting female genital mutilation by refusing to floss your teeth.  It illustrates a complete lack of understanding of cause and effect.  Your protest needs to have at least something to do with whatever it is you’re protesting.  Otherwise you’re just aimlessly protesting for the sake of having a protest.  If aimless protests actually worked, I’d go protest human trafficking by throwing various lunch meats at school children.  You’re welcome world, for me solving the slave trade and all.  And you’re welcome school children for all that free tasty bologna I lobbed at your faces.

You can’t blame Americans for not quite grasping how to effectively protest though.  We have absolutely zero history of effective protesting after all.  Have a seat on my lap parts and I’ll share with you a story.  You see… there was a time in history when black folks weren’t allowed to sit in the front “white” rows of seats on buses in the United States.  Then one day, a woman took a stand and protested by throwing heads of cabbage at a Clydesdale horse.  Except that didn’t occur, because this event happened in 1955, back when people were evidently a little less dense than they seem to be today.  It also didn’t involve vegetables and horses, but rather a refusal to give up a seat, which happened to directly correlate with the subject that was being protested.  It was an effective protest because the protest actually correlated to what was being protested.  Outkast named a song after this chick.  Anyone name a songs after you yet?  Didn’t think so, Billy.

Somewhere along the way, protests have merely become the latest opiate of the masses.  These people don’t even seem to know why they protest, but it gives them some sort of comfort that they’re accomplishing something, regardless of whether the protest has any actual effect.  I guess the general consensus is that if you end up in a blurb on some online news blog, you’ve truly won a battle of some sort.  Except that when tomorrow rolls around, absolutely nothing will have changed.  People in the U.S. these days seem to have the passion, but completely lack direction.  Passion without direction doesn’t lead to results.

Unfortunately, there are even waves of people out there who actually think engaging in violence with people who have different views is not only acceptable, but a commendable course of action.  Recently, a group of KKK members decided to have a rally in Anaheim, California, and were violently attacked by a group of protesters.  To anyone of moderate intellect, the protesters were obviously in the wrong, since they decided to break the law and assault a group who were merely voicing a differing opinion.  Regardless of how wrong or harmful someone else’s views are, you are never justified in physically attacking that person.  Anyone who has made it to adulthood, shouldn’t need to have this explained to them.  You are free to challenge the views of those you disagree with, but that is where your rights end.

Further bolstering this theme of social media and anti-intellectualism, I noticed an alarming amount of people who were actually cheering these violent criminals for attacking the Klan members.  Most of our society agrees that the KKK harbor harmful views about race, but most of society also recognizes that violence is never a justifiable response to harmful views.  Those who don’t realize this usually end up in those places we have set aside, called prisons, which is hopefully where these violent protesters end up.  Anyone who feels it is acceptable to physically attack somebody who has a differing view, is more of a danger to our society than anyone who holds a harmful view but avoids violent confrontation.  In short, fuck both of these groups, and fuck you if you agree with either.  Also, learn how to protest like a grown-ass rational adult.


Things I Would Post On Twitter™ If I U..s….., . .

What’s up person(s) who are potentially reading this right now.  I gotta come clean with you.  You know all those times when I published posts about how I don’t use twitter™ because it’s dumb and only dummy dumb dumbs use it?  Well…  I hope you can forgive me.  You see…  I signed up for twitter™ just the other day.  I know, I know.  Social media is stupid I said.  And twitter™ is just for narcissists who want to spam the internet with poorly written sentences that look like Prince wrote them, if Prince had Parkinson’s Disease.

It’s not like that though.  Well…  it’s mostly like that.  But there are a lot of creative and interesting posts and conversations going on if you know where to look.  I found myself visiting the site quite often to catch up on the daily scribblings of a few writers and pundits whom I enjoy.  But the thing was… I wasn’t able to click that cute little heart button to show my approval of a tweet™ I enjoyed.  So as you can understand, I had no choice but to hand over all of my personal information and get an account.  There was no other way.  I hope you understand.

But guess what?  It’s yet another outlet for me to post pointless, juvenile drivel on now.  Only I don’t have to put all the effort into constructing a whole bunch of paragraphs in one sitting.  I can just bust out dick jokes and one liners on twitter™, because that’s what you do on twitter™.  That and get into stupid arguments.  So if you’re reading this, feel free to add me.  My name on twitter™ is “Meat Goblet” (@MeatGoblet).  You probably could have guessed that though.  So drop on by, call me a faggot, and try to get me banned.  It’ll be a swell ole time!  Peace out, friend!