Things I Would Post On Twitter™ If I U..s….., . .

What’s up person(s) who are potentially reading this right now.  I gotta come clean with you.  You know all those times when I published posts about how I don’t use twitter™ because it’s dumb and only dummy dumb dumbs use it?  Well…  I hope you can forgive me.  You see…  I signed up for twitter™ just the other day.  I know, I know.  Social media is stupid I said.  And twitter™ is just for narcissists who want to spam the internet with poorly written sentences that look like Prince wrote them, if Prince had Parkinson’s Disease.

It’s not like that though.  Well…  it’s mostly like that.  But there are a lot of creative and interesting posts and conversations going on if you know where to look.  I found myself visiting the site quite often to catch up on the daily scribblings of a few writers and pundits whom I enjoy.  But the thing was… I wasn’t able to click that cute little heart button to show my approval of a tweet™ I enjoyed.  So as you can understand, I had no choice but to hand over all of my personal information and get an account.  There was no other way.  I hope you understand.

But guess what?  It’s yet another outlet for me to post pointless, juvenile drivel on now.  Only I don’t have to put all the effort into constructing a whole bunch of paragraphs in one sitting.  I can just bust out dick jokes and one liners on twitter™, because that’s what you do on twitter™.  That and get into stupid arguments.  So if you’re reading this, feel free to add me.  My name on twitter™ is “Meat Goblet” (@MeatGoblet).  You probably could have guessed that though.  So drop on by, call me a faggot, and try to get me banned.  It’ll be a swell ole time!  Peace out, friend!

Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter #9

I gonna be honest with you.  I don’t really feel like finishing up any of the 34 partially written posts that I have sitting around on wordpress.  However, I still feel like I should probably post something for those two people in Uganda who have my site bookmarked, so I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do.  I’m going to bust out a half-ass filler post until I get off my dumper and finish something more substantial.  That’s right!  It’s time for more blurbs of genius (debatable perhaps) that I would have just posted on Twitter, if I were narcissistic or famous enough to have actually signed up for Twitter.  Feel free to read these clever zingers and then wallow in a stew of your own envy and admiration.  You’re welcome!


1)  After Sting dies, I wonder if it will be more appropriate to refer to him as Stang, or Stung.

2)  I’m going to release my first Christian rock album next week.  It’s called “Frosted Tips and Soul Patches”.

3)  There’s a deluxe version of the new Nickelback album. It emits carbon monoxide when opened, so that you don’t have to listen to Nickelback.

4)  The other day I wanted to find out what a “Crip Walk” was, so I grabbed a copy of Compton’s Interactive Encyclopedia.

5)  You ever been inside one of those Starbucks places?  It’s so white in there, I’m surprised there aren’t Klan meetings in progress.

6)  When someone asks me for the time, I ask “Do you have a cell phone? Well it’s time for you to stop being a lazy twat and check your phone.”

7)  An Open Letter To People Who Write Open Letters:  Please stop it.  Nobody likes uptight, passive aggressive people.  Sincerely, Everybody.

8)  Spelling bees should all be renamed: “Autistic Kids With Overbearing Parents Spell Things Awkwardly”

9)  If Ray Charles was such a genius, how come he never learned how to see?  Even babies can do that.

10)  It’s ironic that people who use terms like “trigger warning” are the people I most wish would get shot in the face.

#TriggerWarning   #NotAllPosts

Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter #8

Guess what?  It’s been 6 months since my last Twitter post, a.k.a. filler material until I put something up that I actually invested time and effort into creating.  This is a momentous occasion, so I think I’ll celebrate it by posting yet another list of things I would post on Twitter, if I used Twitter, which I don’t because it’s a vapid platform full of self-absorption, and complete lack of substance or creativity.  It seems like I’d fit right in on Twitter, but I have a cool guy image to uphold, with my being a maverick and going against the grain and all, so I’ll just continue posting things on a site that people only stumble upon while looking for bundt cake recipes.  Enjoy!


1)  You can buy chili without beans and chili without meat, so what exactly constitutes chili? Has it merely been a sauce all this time?

2)  I think it’s great that there are people out there who choose to grow Natty Dreads and avoid the use of hairoids all together.

3)  I invented a new game called Sudoku-Klux-Klan.  It’s for people who like doing puzzles, but also like hating minorities.

4)  I tried to look up an antonym of opposite on and caused the internet to crash.

5)  I’m embarrassed to tell people I still use  Not because it’s a bad e-mail service, but because it sounds like a gay porn site.

6)  I had food poisoning once.  I bought it because some spaghetti was pissing me off and needed to be killed.

7)  Japanese Mayo; It’s just like American Mayo, except when you open the lid, a bunch of tentacles pop out and rape all your orifices.

8)  I like when people wear glasses as a fashion accessory. I’m thinking about wearing a hearing aid or rocking crutches next time I go out.

9)  I wonder if anyone’s ever gotten a “No Regrets” tattoo removed?

10)  What do Eazy-E and Bill Cosby have in common?  They’re both in the “Rap E” section at the local music store.

And there you have it!  Hopefully it’ll be a while until I need to dip into my text file archives for another filler post.  I need to start photoshopping more stuff, or at very least start posting content more often.  Unfortunately, putting effort into things is at odds with my natural inclination to not do anything productive.

#Catch22  #MailingItIn

Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter #7


Does anybody else hear that?


Shhh…  listen real closely.


I know exactly what that sound is.  A dead horse being ruthlessly beaten once again.  The flogging of a deceased farm animal can mean one thing, and one thing only.  Time for a filler post!  WHEEEEE!   Let’s get this over with and move on with our lives.


1)  Fun Fact: The Brits are completely unaware that there is a “c” in the word “schedule”.  The more you know.  (rainbow star)

2)  I’m working on a new idea for a sitcom.  It involves a white supremacist couple living together in New York.  It’s called “Mad About Jews”.

3)  I can tell one of my neighbors has OCD, because I hear their car honk at least a dozen times before they finally enter their house.

4)  I wonder if Kim Jong-un refers to his mom as “Mahjong”

5)  If Jesus had ever said “YOLO!”, it sure would have been ironic.

6)  My internet went out for 3 hours yesterday.  I now know what it’s like to live in a third world country.

7)  Listening to inspirational music only inspires me to get up and put something on that isn’t terrible.

8)  If I was a female rapper, I’d probably perform under the alias “Aunt Flow”.

9)  Fun Fact: The Brits are completely unaware that there is no “r” in the word “idea”.  The more you know. (rainbow star)

10)  I like to play a game called: Did this person talking close to my face just drink coffee, or eat a bowl of goblin turds.

#EnoughAlready  #PleaseMakeItStop

Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter #6

Yup.  Still beating this dead horse.  It’s not even recognizable as a horse anymore at this point.  It’s like I’m beating a somewhat soft, fuzzy, bizarrely-shaped rock at this point.  A soft fuzzy rock that squirts out ketchup like those fancy machines they have over at that classy diner up on Grand Street called Micky Deeze.  You know that place I’m talking about.  The one where all the regal folks go after getting gussied up in their finest wears.  They have all sorts of fancy wrapping papers and sliced potato treats and dipping sauces to slather all over your meal that are fit for a king.  This post is making me hungry.  Let’s get this over with.


1)  I tried to smell what the Rock was cooking once, but it turns out steroids are odorless.

2)  I wanna direct a blue-blooded action movie.  It’s like a red-blooded action movie, but with more powdered wigs and entitlement.

3)  I don’t get high school reunions.  It’s a place you were required to go to.  Do prison inmates have prison reunions?

4)  What if ukuleles aren’t small, but in actuality, everyone who plays a ukulele is really large.

5)  I wonder if Gary Busey’s diarrhea can eat through anything it touches, much like the blood of the creatures from the movie Alien.

6)  Is there a news anchor school, or do news programs specifically hire people who already speak in obnoxious unnatural cadences?

7)  There was either a minor earthquake in my area this evening, or an extremely obese intruder fell somewhere in my house.

8)  I scream, you scream, we all scream, the neighbors call the cops.

9)  I’m going to move to Jamaica and open a store that sells nothing but echo pedals.  I’ll be a millionaire by the end of next week.

10)  I lost my shit once.  Turns out it was still in the toilet where I left it.

#GetPaid  #AnotherOneInTheCan

Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter #5

Ugh…  It’s time for me to post one of these filler posts again.  I’m not sure if anybody besides me even finds any of this stuff funny, but that didn’t matter on the other two dozen posts so far, so why would it stop me now.  The only person who really reads this site is my stalker, and he’s not gonna leave any feedback, because doing so would impede his ability to murder me one day and make a tuxedo out of my flesh that he’ll wear to Comic Con when he tries to get Louie Anderson to sign his Louie Anderson cankle tattoo.  But I digress…  on with the show.


1) The government should offer tax breaks to people who buy Priuses, then leave them in their garage, so they don’t run over and kill anybody.

2) I’m going to start a humane seafood restaurant where I place a pillow over the lobster’s faces and snuff them out before boiling them.

3) I subscribed to GQ magazine the other day, because I don’t have t.v., but still want to have to sit through advertisements for hours..

4) What would George Orwell think of social media.  People go out of their way to tell everybody everywhere they go and everything they do.

5) The government should offer tax breaks to people who buy BMWs, then sterilize themselves, so they don’t create douchey entitled offspring.

6) Mustaches are great for when you want half the food you try to put into your mouth to go to waste.

7) I love going to a concert, realizing I’ve lost one of my ear plugs, then needing to flip a coin to see which ear gets saved that night.

8) I love when rappers wear $10,000 gold chains, but have album packaging that looks like it cost 37 cents to print off at Kinkos.

9) Martin Luther King Jr would never have been able to play Grand Theft Auto 5, because he had a Dreamcast.

10) I took a trip to Africa and saw signs that said “Free Nelson Mandela”.  I don’t know what that is, but if it’s free I’m down to try it out.

#BeatingADeadHorse  #HelloStalker

Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter #4

Hello there 2 people in Uganda who are only here because my site came up when you searched “garbage” and you somehow made it through your country’s censorship firewalls.  Since you’re here though, I guess I’ll do the logical thing and post a bunch of semi-witty thoughts in 140 character format, à la history changing literary website “The Twitter”.


1) If Christopher Nolan and David Fincher collaborated on a film, the cinematography would be so dark that only owls would be able to watch it.

2) I just had a text-box correct my misspelling of “honky”. Thanks for the save, technology!

3) I dress up as abstract ideas for Halloween.  Last year I went as inebriation.  This year I’m either going as failure or disappointment.

4) I saw a selection on Netflix called “Busty Teenage Milfs”.  I’d never heard of it before, but it must be good.  It’s on it’s 23rd season.

5) I’m so terrible at shooting up drugs, that I actually managed to contract Hepatitis F.

6) I don’t get all the hubbub over the Redskin’s name.  Nobody’s complaining about the Louisville Chinamen or the Memphis Guidos.

7) Any time I hear music with ukulele in it, I can’t help but feel I’m listening to a car commercial.

8) STDs are like Pokemon.  They come out of balls and you have to catch them all?

9) I farted the other day, so I did what anyone else would do, and created a facebook page about it for all my friends to “like”.

10) I wanna make a site for people to upload their shitty, out of focus pictures to, then use filters to them look “old-school”.  Oh, wait…

#It’sStillAround?  #YOLO

Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter #3

Remember back in the day when everybody used to use that site called Twitter, which was essentially glorified internet phone texting for people with sub-standard English skills?  Wait…  That site still exists.  Well, if my IQ were low enough to use it, these are things I would post:

1) I’m gonna open up a Broga studio.  It’s for dudes who wanna get their stretch on, but don’t like to eat brussel sprouts and drive Priuses.

2) Am I indecisive?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I really don’t know.  Let me think about it for a bit.

3) I like to play a game whilst reading through online comments sections called: “Foreign or retarded”.

4) “Bleaching your whites” sounds like something that should qualify as a hate crime.

5) I’d enjoy Labor Day more if it were renamed “No-Labor Day”.

6) If I had to describe the internet to someone, I’d have to say: “Stupid people calling other stupid people stupid from behind computers”.

7) Somebody “not agreeing” with a gay person’s life style is a funny thought.  Like not agreeing with somebody being Asian.

8) An iPad sounds like something you’d use to stop your WikiLeaks.

9) Thanks to Miley Cyrus, everytime I see a Kraftwerk album I instinctively read the name as Kraf-Twerk.

10) I think the best magicians all used to be mobsters.  Why else would they be so good at making people disappear?

#PoundSign #SomeonesPhoneNumber