I gonna be honest with you. I don’t really feel like finishing up any of the 34 partially written posts that I have sitting around on wordpress. However, I still feel like I should probably post something for those two people in Uganda who have my site bookmarked, so I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m going to bust out a half-ass filler post until I get off my dumper and finish something more substantial. That’s right! It’s time for more blurbs of genius (debatable perhaps) that I would have just posted on Twitter, if I were narcissistic or famous enough to have actually signed up for Twitter. Feel free to read these clever zingers and then wallow in a stew of your own envy and admiration. You’re welcome!
1) After Sting dies, I wonder if it will be more appropriate to refer to him as Stang, or Stung.
2) I’m going to release my first Christian rock album next week. It’s called “Frosted Tips and Soul Patches”.
3) There’s a deluxe version of the new Nickelback album. It emits carbon monoxide when opened, so that you don’t have to listen to Nickelback.
4) The other day I wanted to find out what a “Crip Walk” was, so I grabbed a copy of Compton’s Interactive Encyclopedia.
5) You ever been inside one of those Starbucks places? It’s so white in there, I’m surprised there aren’t Klan meetings in progress.
6) When someone asks me for the time, I ask “Do you have a cell phone? Well it’s time for you to stop being a lazy twat and check your phone.”
7) An Open Letter To People Who Write Open Letters: Please stop it. Nobody likes uptight, passive aggressive people. Sincerely, Everybody.
8) Spelling bees should all be renamed: “Autistic Kids With Overbearing Parents Spell Things Awkwardly”
9) If Ray Charles was such a genius, how come he never learned how to see? Even babies can do that.
10) It’s ironic that people who use terms like “trigger warning” are the people I most wish would get shot in the face.