More Conspiracy Theories That Need To Die Already

Flat Earth Theory

Believe it or not, there are people who are actually convinced that the Earth is not round, but rather, a giant spinning disc in the sky.  This differs from what people believed back in the 17th century and prior, in that they don’t also believe that the planet is square, like a Sicilian pizza, or that you’ll fall off into an abyss in the ocean at some point.  They believe that the sun and moon are circling around us overhead in a fixed, perfect circle, and that all space travel has simply been faked for over 50 years.  All those pictures of our round Earth?  All fake.  They even believe that gravity is a fabricated hoax, and that something called dark energy exists that fills in all the gaps in their theory.  This is definitely the king of all conspiracy theories, given that it relies on practically everything we know as being scientifically true to be a complete lie fed to us for whatever reason.  If you’re going to go conspiracy theory, at least go big, and this is as big as it gets.

I can’t help but imagine that this theory was born out of that same cannabis fueled philosophizing that resulted in a belief of space lizard people, and that the planes used in 9/11 were holograms.  Some conspiracy theories are at least plausible, i.e. most involving the government lying about having not done something, while others seem like somebody made them up in an attempt to troll of all humanity for the shits and giggles of it all.  The flat earth theory feels strongly like the latter.  I can’t help but feel that the entire group of people who claim to believe this are all in on some joke that they laugh about on a reddit forum somewhere.  Flat Earth Theory is so completely ridiculous that I can’t really muster up the strength to write more than two paragraphs on the topic.  Next!


GMOs Are Bad

GMOs are a conspiracy theory in the classic sense.  The people who are strongly anti-GMO are against them due to their complete lack of education on the subject, combined with a complete distrust of corporations.  Lack of education and distrust are the two key ingredients to any conspiracy theory.  The anti-GMO crowd are amazingly ill-informed on what the word even means that they rally so passionately against, let alone what actually constitutes a GMO.  When you don’t understand what something is, it tends to be scary, and it’s only natural to be against scary thing.  I personally think that ghosts should be outlawed, for example.

GMO, of course, stands for “genetically modified organism.  This is a blanket term for any living thing that has been altered by humans, usually for the purpose of yielding more edible parts, or being more resilient to diseases.  The precursor to modern GMOs was the process known as selective breeding, which was man’s way of circumventing the need to sit around and wait for natural selection to run it’s course to make the most “ideal” plants and animals.  Most dog breeds that exist today were engineered by man through selective breeding, 80% of which weren’t around more than 130 years ago.  These breeds were created to be useful to humans, performing tasks such as: herding, pulling sleds, hunting, search and rescue, guard duty, and therapy/assistance work.  The dog you own is more than likely not an animal that would have existed naturally without interference from man.  Whole foods probably wouldn’t sell your dog, being that it isn’t “all natural”.

Plants have been heavily modified by humans as well, far predating the modern GMOs.  Thousands of years of selective breeding have turned a plant called teosinte, which was about the size of a pea pod, and had less than a dozen kernels per head, into what we known today as corn.  Watermelons started out as roughly the size of a golf ball, were largely composed of seeds, and tasted very bitter.  Now they can grow to hundreds of pounds, actually taste good, and are higher in healthy nutrients.  A lot of modern fruits are also propagated via cloning, because merely planting seeds will often result in a less desirable crop that is inferior in size and taste to the original.  By cloning, via stem cutting or grafting, an identical copy of a plant that itself was the result of selective breeding can be grown.  This keeps the quality of fruit rather uniform, which is good for growers and consumers alike.

With advances in science and technology, humans are now able to skip the whole waiting for centuries part of selective breeding, and alter a plant or animal’s genes directly.  This is usually accomplished by removing the unwanted DNA from the genome of an organism, then inserting newly created DNA into it’s place.  This new DNA can either be cloned from another organism, or synthesized in a laboratory setting, i.e. test tube DNA.  I can’t really go much deeper into detail here, being that I’m just some dummy with a website, and not a fancy science man with a ritzy college-boy degree.  The basic gist though, is that essentially you are programming new code into preexisting code to alter the resulting product.  This allows scientists to speed up evolution in a sense, or even create new plants and animals entirely.

It seems most people who are scared of GMOs have a misguided fear that somehow food from GMOs is dangerous or unhealthy for you.  GMOs are still biological matter and won’t be unhealthy unless something unhealthy was intentionally introduced into the organism, which obviously would be unhealthy for the organism itself while it’s still alive.  Scientists aren’t adding potentially carcinogenic substances to living organisms the same way chemists might into non-organic products to improve their taste, add artificial colors, or act as preservatives.  GMOs are surely healthier for you than most non-organic food with laundry lists full of unpronounceable ingredients.  If you’re drinking soda and eating an abundance of junk food and processed garbage, you’re doing worse to your body than GMOs ever will.

The other common argument is that GMOs are bad for the environment.  Some people fear that introducing human-altered plants and animals into an ecosystem will throw off the pre-existing balance.  I would generally agree with this, and be against tampering with the biological balance in an environment, but in modern agriculture this becomes a moot point.  It’s not exactly natural to have hundreds or thousands of one animal crammed into a small area, or to have hundreds of acres of one crop type.  If you were to replace a type of grain or animal in a contained farming environment with an altered type, only that field changes, and not the ecosystem as a whole.  In most countries, there aren’t wild cows roaming around outside of farmland property, or random patches of corn growing everywhere.  Both largely thrive today because we use them for food.

A good deal of GMOs are created to be heartier in order to survive the environment we’re slowly ruining, or to be healthier to better feed people in areas that we overpopulate.  DNA from a hearty plant or animal can be introduced into a less hearty plant or animal in order to decrease it’s susceptibility to disease and environmental factors.  These new, improved plants and animals are better equipped to thrive in areas that are polluted, or that don’t have an ideal temperature or adequate water,  Other plants are altered to produce higher yields of food, or to provide greater nutrition, both of which are needed in less privileged areas that tend to have food shortages.  There is actually a variety of rice called golden rice, that was engineered to be a great source of vitamin A, which diets in India and a lot of African countries are lacking.  It even won an award.  Have you won an award for feeding impoverished people?  Didn’t think so.

Once again, I’m not claiming to be a scientist, but most people running around demonizing GMOs aren’t exactly scientists either.  The difference is that at least I look into things before I take a hard-nosed stance on something, rather than merely adopting, then regurgitating the views of some blog I follow.  I also don’t think that GMOs are completely harmless.  Plants can be modified to be resistant to repellents, and if those repellents are still used heavily, the plants survive, but are essentially poisonous to humans.  This speaks more of the unscrupulous nature of the businesses who misuse the GMOs, rather than genetic modification itself however.  The fact that non-GMO salt even exists though (salt is a mineral, not an organism), is proof enough to validate my belief that the anti-GMO crowd are largely conspiracy theorists whose ignorance is taken advantage of by companies looking to turn a profit on new business ventures and products.


Vaccines Are Bad

This one is a biggie.  Most of the ridiculous stuff that conspiracy theorists believe is relatively harmless, seeing as how all that’s at stake is their ability to be taken seriously or their losing the privileged to babysit and/or be left alone with other people’s children.  This one however forces the theorist’s nutty proclivities into everyone else’s lives.  If some 420blaze-it truth-seeking warrior decides that vaccines are a government control plan, and subsequently chooses to not get their children shots to prevent deadly, contagious diseases, everybody is put at risk.  If one’s of these folk’s little dummy-spawns shows up to school with a case of Polio, all the rational people’s children who haven’t yet been immunized are put at risk of contracting something that could kill them.

The best part of this conspiracy theory is that there is absolutely zero basis for any of it.  It’s the classic case of a group of people thinking something that has been done forever is just now somehow causing bad things to happen.  Those bad things being “Autism” for the most part.  There are individuals who think that autism is something that suddenly exists because of people choosing to vaccinate their kids.  The mercury content of vaccines is usually singled out as the culprit, and while certain vaccines used to contain trace amounts of mercury (levels far below what is deemed to be harmful), most that were administered to children contained no mercury at all.  (all this info is available via the FDA website)  A great deal of the fish we eat contains mercury as well (also low doses), but these same conspiracy folks aren’t coming up with theories about Carp.  The conspiracy theorists still go on believing that vaccines are causing Autism, even though scientists who study this stuff for a living haven’t completely pinpointed the cause themselves.

Autism itself is a very strange beast in that it is frequently misdiagnosed, children have been observed to “grow out” of being autistic, and the criteria for determining autism are ridiculously varied.  Autism isn’t a concrete disorder that can be identified on a molecular or cellular level.  It can be definitively determined whether an individual has a disorder such as Parkinson’s or ALS, but this isn’t the case with Autism.  If your child is irritable, they might be autistic.  If they don’t pay attention as much as they “should” they might have autism.  Even the act of stacking, or lining up things has been diagnosed as autism.  Perhaps autism isn’t an actual thing at all, but rather a general catch-all term to fit a variety of different disorders into a neat, convenient little box.  So little is known about what autism actually is, let alone what causes it, that it seems a little reckless to treat it like a legitimate disorder.  The second you legitimize it, it becomes the scapegoat for everything “abnormal” that any child exhibits.  All of a sudden, if your child doesn’t like eating broccoli, or can’t work those roller skate wheel shoes, they must be autistic.

This isn’t to say autism doesn’t exist, but so little is actually known about it by researchers, that it’s preposterous to think that some yuppie of marginal intellect could be thoroughly convinced of a direct correlation between a vague disorder and an innocuous procedure.  As many of these other conspiracy theories have illustrated though, it’s fairly evident that people would rather be led through life by their “feels” rather than actual facts.  If somebody who is free of outside influence and trained in a particular field drops some knowledge, you’d probably do well to place a little more priority on what they have to say, than what some nobody with no knowledge on the subject has to say.  This goes for vaccines, chemtrails, gluten, and the shape of the planet.

Celeb/Food Photoshops For That Ass

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve dusted off the ole drawing tablet and GIMP™ brand photo-editing software to bust out some photoshops.  As a matter of fact, it’s been damn-near half a year.  As I was sitting around my place doing all sorts of important-guy things, I felt a great disturbance in the force.  The world needed more photoshops, and it needed this fella to cook some of those tasty little bitches up.  I’m going to be completely honest with you though.  I had a momentary lapse of confidence in my ability to serve up those clever(ish) photo edits that untold millions of people were no doubt salivating for.  But have no fear, because mere moments after grabbing that stylus, I realized that I am a master, and a master’s skill set never dulls.  Without further ado, I present to you, one man’s contribution to the betterment of society:

Bologne Danza:

Bologne Danza

Danny Devitoast:


Lady GaGazpacho:

Lady GaGazpacho

Baraccoli Obama:

Baraccoli Obama

Donald Rump Roast:

Donald Rump Roast

Conspiracy Theories That Need To Die Already


I’ll usually hear someone out when they go on and on about how something is a cover-up, or how the government is up to something devious.  A large part of my willingness to entertain these ideas is that I’m intelligent enough to know that governments tend to attract narcissistic, contemptible, cunty types, who are by no means above being completely despicable human beings.  They lie, they steal, they cheat.  They’re generally sociopaths who are great are convincing less intelligent people to vote them into office, where they spend their terms engaging in actions to increase their own wealth and status at the expense of tax dollars and the well being of the country.  Why bother actually fixing a country, when you can network with billionaires, write autobiographies, and set yourself up for hundred-thousand dollar speaking engagements after your term is up.

One of the few government conspiracy theories that I’ve never been able to take seriously though, is chemtrails.  Nothing about chemtrails adds up or makes sense whatsoever.  Let me get this straight: The government is sending up planes that spray us with something to make us all more susceptible to manipulation, despite the fact that everyone in the government would be getting sprayed as well, and that most of the population has a history of voting for unqualified politicians who slowly run the country into the ground anyway?  What exactly are we being brainwashed into doing?  People are alarmingly easy to manipulate into giving up their rights already, merely by using fear.  The U.S. government has passed countless unconstitutional bills simply by convincing the populace that terrorism is actually a problem.  (It’s like #43 on the list of problems in this country)  Every time there is a shooting (as long as the victims are white), people gladly hold it up as justification to start crossing things off of the Constitution.  There are even groups of people who feel it’s justifiable to limit freedom of speech if people’s feelings get hurt.  With this kind of intellect running rampant in this country, why would anybody need to be manipulated?

Other conspiratorial reasons for why chemtrails are being used include weather modification, and population control.  As far as the former goes, weather modification via plane already exists.  It’s called cloud seeding and has been used since the 1940’s.  Governments the world over have used cloud seeding to increase rain and snowfall during droughts, and to clear the air of pollution before large events.  As far as population control goes, chemtrails would be an ineffective way of facilitating this.  China was faced with a perceived overpopulation problem, and enacted the “one-child policy”, which lasted 35 years.  No chemtrails were needed to get this policy off the ground.  If a government were actively trying to sterilize people, doing so through heavily consumed beverages or food would probably be the most covert way to go about perpetrating this.  A partnership with Starbucks or McDonalds would have 95% of the population sterile in no time flat, then only people like me would be able to breed, America would flourish, and we’d be number one again within 2 decades.  The problem is, both of our political parties thrive on the less intelligent procreating.  The less intelligent are the ones you can easily sell your bullshit disguised as hope and change to.

Another conspiracy theory that is closely tied to chemtrails is water fluoridation.  This is yet another case of something that has been used for years (about 70; since the mid 40’s) that some folks continue to believe is somehow just now being used for mind control.  The only legit scientifically proven negative effect of water fluoridation is dental fluorosis, which results in tooth discoloration if the fluoride content of water is too high.  As a matter of fact, you’re doing more harm to your body by drinking soda, or even coffee, which has no nutritional value and actively dehydrates the body, all at the expense of obtaining a little “energy” that could be gained by getting decent sleep and being in good physical condition.  I drink water almost exclusively, I’m completely resistant to any and all forms of mind control, and just so happen to be the 1,543th smartest human being in the world [citation needed].  So drink more tap water and get on my level.


Gluten Is Bad

Gluten is the carbs of the 2010’s.  It’s something in food that people who know absolutely nothing about nutrition are thoroughly convinced that they need to cut out of their diets because a blog post somewhere said to.  It’s 2015 and people still put all their faith into diet fads instead of actually following tried and true dieting guidelines that have been working for top-of-their-game athletes for like half a century.  A gluten-free diet is not much different than that pointless Atkin’s Diet that was brought to you by a man with a history of diet fads stretching back to the 70’s.  Both are largely adopted by white folk who have that itch to live healthier, without actually doing something productive like exercising instead of sitting around watching Netflix all evening.

The only reason to cut gluten out of your diet is if you have Coeliac Disease, which is quite hard to actually be diagnosed with, since evidently you can have this disease but have absolutely no side-effects.  This begs the question: If something has absolutely no side effects, is it even a problem?  If I have lung cancer, but don’t have the side effects of lung cancer, namely the cancer, do I actually have cancer, or is somebody simply trying to milk some cash out of me?  The primary symptoms of Coeliac disease are loose, greasy bowels.  Has everyone hopping on the gluten-free wagon been secretly shitting their brains out all day, every day?  All the secondary symptoms are things like fatigue and failure to gain weight, which could be due to countless other things.  How exactly it’s determined that amongst the myriad diseases that exist out there, these symptoms definitively point to a gluten issue is beyond me.

I’m gonna go a little T.M.I. (too much information) on you right now.  I too used to have Coeliac disease.  I had it back in the day before it became a fad disease for everybody to get diagnosed with.  I was ridiculously skinny up until my early to mid twenties, and hardly ever gained weight.  I also had loose bowels on a regular basis for the longest time, perhaps years.  I’m not plagued with either of these problems anymore though, thanks to cutting gluten absolutely nothing containing gluten out of my diet.  What I did cut out of my diet was caffeine, excessive sugar, and fast food; all things that the body doesn’t particularly want excessive amounts of inside of it, despite all the advertisements on T.V. telling you otherwise.  In short, I started to eat healthier.  I also started to exercise on a regular basis.  I’ve put on about 35 pounds (mainly muscle) since then, and have nice healthy adult poops.  I can also breathe underwater and kill bears with a single well-executed round house kick, but your results may vary.

So if you have stomach and bowel issues on the regular, I guess it’s worth a shot to cut out the gluten.  There are a whole host of things you could probably change to sort yourself out though, much as I did.  I have no doubt if I went to the average doctor with those symptoms I would have been told to go gluten-free despite the fact that I solved those problems via other measures.  Diagnoses tend to be very one-size-fits all with doctors who are more interested with quantity of patients over quality of care.  Doctors are also not infallible, and can make glaring mistakes at times.  I was once diagnosed with Pneumonia by a doctor, only to find out I actually had bursitis in my shoulder, upon getting a second opinion.  Those are two completely different ailments with two very different treatments.  The second doctor was obviously more thorough, and less apt to jump to a diagnosis.  The second doctor probably wouldn’t have immediately assumed I had Coeliac Disease, and he would have been right.  Thank you, second doctor.


The Pay Gap

Yes, you are a conspiracy theorist if you believe this nonsense.  There are countless sources out there that debunk this myth, yet certain people love to cling to it like a warm, fuzzy blanket.  Perhaps this belief is due to some pervasive wave of anti-intellectualism sweeping the U.S.  (There are other countries where wide-spread pay gaps no doubt exist), or perhaps it’s a product of the current trend of self-imposed oppression that seems to be the hot new fashion right now.  “I’m like, sooo oppressed, because it makes me a special snowflake and makes me the underdog even though I am actually the most privileged demographic in the world currently.  Please give me thumbs ups and likes. Thanks!”  Pay discrepancies are bound to exist in rare instances, but the people who hold onto this pay gap notion legitimately think they are somehow being paid less as a barista at Starbucks, or as a cashier at Target, and this notion isn’t remotely true at all.

I’ll explain away this theory here, despite the fact that it has been disproved time and time again elsewhere, because people that believe this sort of thing tend not to engage in things like “reading” and “research” and “critical thinking”.  So… President Kennedy passed the Equal Pay Act of 1963 in, you guessed it, 1963.  That’s 52 year ago for anyone keeping track of the math.  This act makes it Illegal for employers to pay workers different wages based solely on their sex.  “Illegal” means a worker can take an employer to court over being payed a lower wage based solely on their sex, which as you might have guessed, never actually happens because the pay gap is a myth.  (Obama even passed an amendment to this Act in 2009 to make it easier for an employee to take legal action)  Sure, it took time for the gap to close, but as of 2015, only the most unscrupulous of employers would try to get away with paying a woman a lesser wage for the same job.  This doesn’t happen at legit, registered companies.  (They have the most to lose by getting caught doing this)  Anyone who works independently and pays under the table could easily get away with utilizing a pay gap, but perhaps you shouldn’t be working for Skeeter, painting sheds out in the boonies anyway.

The reason this myth refuses to die off, is that organizations with agendas continue to spread misinformation and market manufactured oppression to their gullible readership.  Getting fair and balanced information about topics relating to sex from a one-sided company like Jezebel, is like getting fair and balanced information about race from a one-sided company like  You can be sure most of the information contained within is propaganda, largely based on confirmation bias, targeted to an audience who are merely looking to reinforce what they already believe to be true.  (Typical conspiracy theorist behavior)  Some news sites have even published multiple articles disproving the pay gap, all the while continuing to run articles proclaiming it to be a huge problem.  So which is it Huffington Post?  Oh wait… you’re a “news” site that posts cat videos, top ten lists, and clickbait articles.  Never mind.  Carry on.

What these sites do, is take statistics and grossly skew/inflate them, or misrepresent them to meet their own agendas.  The pay gap stats these sites use were obtained by taking the average income of all men and comparing it to the average income of all women, regardless of position or hours worked.  All the fortune 500 CEOs in the country who make those obnoxiously inflated multi-million dollar salaries were thrown onto one side, and all those women who clean up hotels for low wages were placed on the other.  As you can probably imagine, the average of all the salaries of men and women didn’t exactly come out as equal.

This would be like having a class of 20 students (10 men and 10 women) wherein everybody scored a 93 on a test, except for one guy who scored a 100, and one gal who scored a 34.  If you were to take the mean value of those students separated out by sex, as opposed to median or mode, the men would have a score of 94, and the women would have a score of 87.  An unethical news source could report this data as: “Women score 7 points lower on tests than men”, when the fact of the matter is that one woman scored 59 points lower than everybody.  One woman, not all women.  The median and mode of these scores for both sexes would be 93, which would be a far more truthful and accurate number to put forth.  If you were trying to push an agenda of all women scoring lower, then obviously you would choose to use the mean and completely ignore the median and mode.

I’m not saying websites like Jezebel who push this kind of data to drum up fervor over inequality are dishonest or unreputable, but you certainly can’t consider them to be accurate sources of info.  They have a history of pushing misinformation and bias.  (They blindly side with the accuser in just about every rape case that ends up being debunked, i.e. University of Virginia, and mattress girl)  The fact of the matter is, you don’t need to be knowledgeable on a subject, or even engage in fact-checking to write blog posts for a well-know website (or this one), so always take this kind of info with a grain of salt.  If you read something, and it seems a bit sensational, chances are that it is.  Being sensational gets more views and brings in more ad revenue.  (except for this site)