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Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter #2

I still don’t have a Twitter account, but here are more things I would post if I did that are more funny and/or clever than 99% of what gets posted on Twitter to begin with:

 

1) I saw a Burger King delivery car today. For the first time in my life, I finally feel like the future has arrived.

2) The other day, somebody asked me what I stood for.  I done told em urination.

3) I like to play a game called “Cow giving birth, or Yoko Ono opening her mouth?”

4) If Steve Guttenberg ever opened a restaurant, I’d hope to be able to go in and order a gluten-free Guttenburger.

5) While on a bicycle, speed bumps become taint-detroyers.

6) The best thing about having long hair is people constantly trying to either bum cigarettes off you or sell you weed.

7) I think the Cinderella song “Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)” is probably about running out of toilet paper.

8) Six years ago, I assaulted a man with a chocolate eclair and was charged with delicious wounding.

9) If I lost a dog, I’d list his name as “Gerald The Zombie Destroyer” on the flier, even if I didn’t really believe he could destroy zombies.

10) I like to play a game called “3rd grade poetry, or lyrics to a hit song from the 50’s”.

#Seriously #WhatsThePoint

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Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter

I don’t have a Twitter account.  I will most likely never have a twitter account.  There are many reasons for this, one of which being that Twitter is retarded and completely pointless.  If I ever did have a twitter account (which is highly unlikely), I would probably post the following things:

 

1) If there’s ever a drug called God, you’re going to have to smoke it or snort it, because you definitely can’t take it in vein.

2) I love when artists say their albums are meant to be listened to on vinyl.  Directors never say their movies are meant to be watched on VHS.

3) Quothing? That’s so Raven.

4) Parsley, sage, rosemary, and ain’t nobody got thyme for dat.

5) Whatever happened to skeeting?  That seemed to be all the rage a few years ago.

6) After ordering lunch today, I noticed the server’s name was “Tempest”. I figure she used to be either a stripper or an American Gladiator.

7) Is NSFW content safe for work if your job is in the porn industry?

8) In addition to alcohol and caffeine, Four Loko should have also contained a reproductive sterilization agent.

9) Anybody remember when dubstep was a thing?  Oh… wait.  This is one of my jokes for next year.

10) Why do musicians thank God in their liner notes?  Is he gonna buy your CD and get amped when he opens it up at home and sees his name?

 

#DontForgetThisNonsense  #TheEnd