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I Need Entitlement Feminism Because…

Hey guys.  If you’ve been reading all the blogs on the blog’o’sphere lately, you no doubt realize that #feminism is the most important and pressing issue in the world today.  It’s officially #1 (that’s number 1, not hashtag one) on the list of world problems, beating out murder, world hunger, false imprisonment, poverty, lack of education, the militarization of police, global warming, the corporatization of government, illegal search and seizure, and the cancellation of Two and a Half Men.

The illuminati patriarchy continues to have a stranglehold on the rights of everybody, everywhere, at all times, and is solely responsible for every negative thing that transpires in modern society.  What I propose, is that everybody do the right thing and stand up for human women’s rights, and share all of their views on the subject, whether those views are informed or not.  The increased prevalence of overtly narcissistic behavior and acquisition of social media thumbs up are not the primary goal here, but a pleasant side effect nonetheless.  Nobody on social media cares if you’ve actually researched a topic enough to know whether or not the data you’re passing off as accurate is factual or not.  A thumbs-up knows not of the wonders of fact-checking.

My favorite brand of uninformed, yet mildly passionate social activism as of late, involves taking a sharpie and scrawling a half-baked thought on a piece of paper, or dry-erase board.  At least two-thirds of these messages have nothing at all to do with oppression or inequality whatsoever, but remember, it’s the thought that counts.  It doesn’t matter that your message is nonsensical if your viewers don’t know any better, and give you their re-blogs and thumbs-ups regardless.  Don’t let the fact that things such as body image issues, rape, and gender roles can effect literally 100% of the population.  If something effects everyone equally, it’s no longer oppression, and we can’t have that sad reality, now can we.  Below are just three examples of this terrible social justice meme in action, that I’ve taken it upon myself to correct with a truthful rewrite.

 

Feminism Fail

The original caption on the above photo was “I need feminism because I’m tired of being called hysterical and over-sensitive”.  And I’m tired of being called “lazy” and “an asshole”, but I only have my self to blame for that.  You don’t see me holding up a sign blaming someone other than myself for my own personality shortcomings.  Maybe instead of being the model of entitlement and expecting the world to change to accommodate you, you should work on improving yourself.  If you have no problem being “hysterical”, then option number two is to grow up, become an adult, and stop letting what other people think or say about you bother you.  Part of adulthood is leaving the narcissistic, self-centric qualities of children behind in order to become an individual who is resolute in who they are as a person.  Or you can just continue to hold up signs blaming everyone else for your shortcomings and continue to remain unsatisfied with the world the rest of your life.  Your choice.

 

Armpit Hair Feminist

Original caption: “I need feminism because ‘I don’t think many guys will kick you out of bed’ should not be the positive reactions I get for growing out my armpit hair”.  Where do I even start with this one?  First off, you are highlighting yourself as a grade-a narcissist if you are doing something as insignificant as not shaving armpit hair and expecting people to clap and throw you a parade because of it.  You should do things in life because you legitimately want to do them, not because you have a desperate need for positive reinforcement from those around you.  People have different views on what is attractive and what is not.  Nobody has to find your armpit hair attractive, much in the same way you don’t have to find a 500-pound man or woman attractive.  Like other people in your age group, you need to enter adulthood and stop caring what other people think about you.  You also need to realize that everyone in life is going to have differing opinions on just about everything.  That’s life.  Oppression has absolutely nothing to do with it.  Feminism has absolutely nothing to do with it.

 

Feminist Beta Male

The original caption on this one was “I need feminism because I’m tired of most women in media being damsels in distress or sex objects”.  Are you tired of that, Brave Sir Lancelot?  Are you now?  I’ve got a few problems with your blatant pandering brave social justice stance here.  First off, you’re a walking, talking beta-male meme in the flesh, and you expect me to believe you don’t watch tentacle-hentai-rape porn and bend over backwards to be patronizingly helpful to any woman you find attractive?  Secondly, what media exactly are we talking about here, because every type of media I can think of is fairly prone to objectifying both sexes.  When was the last time a guy who looked like you was in a cologne ad, a liquor ad, a mid-to-upscale fashion ad, on the cover of a romance novel, in a soap opera, or the leading man in a Hollywood blockbuster?  Very rarely, if ever.  Those spots are reserved for appealing, sexually attractive men who often have nice physiques, and are prone to being shirtless for absolutely no logical reason.  Are your female friends (a stretch perhaps..) decrying that objectification?  They most likely aren’t, because they enjoy seeing those chiseled abs and man-nips as much as you like seeing lady boobies and booties.  Even those insufferable, entitled, bearers of flagrant double standards known as third-wave feminists enjoy the objectification of men, only they won’t refer to it as objectification because that would denote equality, and equality isn’t their goal.  So stop being such a beta, and go back to watching that tentacle porn, you sniveling little dipshit.  Peace!

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Homeless “Social Experiment” Videos Are Scams

You’ve probably seen these videos popping up all over facebook and getting passed around on social media, all the while racking up millions of views.  Some unassuming millennial gent walks up to a homeless person and gives him a hundred bucks or something like that.  “Oh, how sweet!  I need to share this video with everyone, because humanity and kindness sure are great!” you might be saying to yourself as you click that “share” button.  The problem is, humanity and kindness have absolutely nothing to do with these videos being created.  When said millennial gent starts walking up to a homeless person with hundred dollar in hand, charity is usually the last thing on his mind.

Go to youtube and enter something like “homeless experiment” or “homeless charity” and go down the list and count every video that has millions of views.  Keep in mind though, that most of those videos are on partnered, revenue-sharing youtube accounts.  When these individuals get millions of views because of their “kindness”, they end up raking in thousands of dollars (if not more) as a result.  Would you grab a camera and a hundred dollar bill and film yourself “being kind” to a homeless individual if it meant you would practically be guaranteed a tenfold return on your investment for doing so.  If you would, you aren’t alone, as those search results so clearly indicate.

At some point, somebody on youtube decided to do a “social experiment” involving giving charity to some down-on-their-luck homeless guy on the street somewhere, and racked up a shit-ton of views in the process.  Now, perhaps the first instance of this happening was actually done out of kindness, being that there was no way of knowing this genre of video would become so large and profitable.  The thing is, once that video became successful, all the profit chasers out there suddenly had a new type of video to create in order to make a quick and easy paycheck.  When someone releases a filmed video of themselves engaging in charity of some sort, they are doing so because it will ultimately be profitable for them in the long run.  There is absolutely no other reason to post such a video on a public forum.  It is a self-serving act, pure and simple.  Do you honestly think any of these kids would be handing that much money over to a homeless person if they weren’t recording the act?

I’m sure it’s great for the homeless guy who gets a hundred dollar bill, but ultimately he’s just being used as a prop in a video filmed for the sole purpose of going viral and becoming profitable.  The guy(s) filming the video don’t care about the subject.  Absolutely any homeless person will do for filling the role of Homeless Guy #7 in their current youtube production.  If this target ends up reacting in some profound, touching, unintended way, all the better.  That can only mean more views, more likes, more shares, and ultimately, more profit.  The whole “homeless charity” genre is really just an offshoot of those terrible videos where a white kid from the ‘burbs goes to the hood to try to instigate a group of black guys into trying to fight him.  Both types of videos are completely planned out and edited with the intent of buying into people’s sensitivities and/or racist proclivities.

So stop sharing these videos, stop liking these videos, and stop subscribing to channels who post these kinds of videos.  If you want to feel good about a homeless person receiving a little money, go out and give money to a needy person yourself.  Stop helping these internet weasels make money off using homeless people as a means to an end.

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Outraged! Please Sign My Petition!

Oh my god.  I can’t even.  I can’t even even.  I am SoOoOoOoOoOoOo outraged right now everybody!  I can’t even even even.  I just saw something today that was so inappropriate and evil and oppressive, and I just need to cram it down people’s throats share it with everyone.  While it’s true that I could just keep it to myself and deal with it like an adult, I really desperately need other people’s validation, and Tumblr and Twitter are both down for some reason, hence the blog post.

I was shopping for organic, natural, non-GMO, gluten-free, chemtrail-free, soy frappuccino yoga chips, when something caught my eye.  While I was walking through the frozen foods section, I saw something very upsetting and heart-breaking.  I’m going to post a picture below, but I have to give a disclaimer first:

Trigger Warning: The Following Is Not For The Faint Of Heart.

pork_faggots1

Can you even believe your eyes?  I for one can’t even.  Somebody out there at some evil mega-corporation had the gall to use a sexist homophobic slur to name a bunch of little porky meatball chops!  After doing some extensive research on my Apple iPad Air 2™, I found out that Mr Brain’s is a British company that’s been around for nearly a century.  It also turns out that words don’t always have the same connotation from country to country, and that “faggot” means a few other things unrelated to homophobic slurs in England.

This changes nothing however.  I still find this product offensive, and therefore still need to impose my will upon anyone and everything in my path.  This product needs to be taken off the market, or else the manufacturer should face harmful repercussions, perhaps even bodily harm or eternal damnation.  There is no excuse for anybody to do anything that I don’t agree with slights anyone else, due to race, religion, or creed.  I will continue to fight the good fight as long as it garners me attention injustice continues to exist.

I have started a petition in the wake of this universal tragedy, and I can only hope that everyone reading this conducts themselves as a compassionate human and signs it right away.  It would be appreciated if you could also bombard Twitter and Tumblr and all the other social justice sites with this petition in order to further my our cause.  Thank you for your time.

cLiCk HeRe!

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I Use Two Spaces, So In Your Faces.

Fuck You

Recently an article from an obnoxiously cluttered, tumblr-esque eyesore of a website named Slate has been making the rounds on payattentiontomeplease.com facebook.  The article is from 2011, but the snarky, elitist attitude contained within is truly timeless.  The basic gist of the piece is that the author feels very strongly that using a double space after a sentence, instead of a single space, is a crime against humanity and practically the hugest deal in all of recorded human history.  Despite the fact that I felt like I was reading an article from a militant vegan (the aforementioned snark and elitist attitude), I actually have to tip my hat to the author for being able to write such a wordy article on such a complete and utter non-issue.

Here’s the part where I have to be completely forthright in the fact that I use two spaces after a period, and have always done so.  The reasons?  Number one, I was taught that way in school by numerous English teachers.  At no point did a learned individual holding a degree from a reputable organization of higher education ever state that to use double spaces was incorrect.  Number two, the larger breaks help me separate sentences better, and legitimately allow me to read content faster than if there were only a single break.  When scanning text quickly, the larger break allows my cranial regions to split the paragraph into these smaller segments, which I’ll call “sentences”, much faster than if single spaces were used.  Without these double spaces, the period is the only device used to differentiate between one sentence and the next, and this punctuation isn’t sufficient for me to accomplish this task of separation as quickly.  With double spaces, all punctuation could be removed and my reading speed wouldn’t be impeded much, if at all.  I’m not saying I operate on a higher level than you, but I more than likely operate on a higher level than you.

This ad revenue generating fluff piece Slate article employs the same method of paragraph separation I do, which is to avoid indentation, but instead leave a line break between each paragraph to visually separate one from the next.  The traditional method of indenting each paragraph and avoiding line breaks is also an acceptable way to acknowledge a change in topic.  Both methods exist for use, however I format the way I do because it allows me to better visually separate paragraphs, and ultimately to read content faster.  There are people who would argue, and perhaps even write snarky, elitist articles about how only the traditional method is correct, and how everyone else is a literary plebeian.  I tend to format for efficiency, and not merely to adhere to needless stylistic rules enforced by individuals who have never written anything worth the paper or hard drive space their work takes up.  The rules are made to be broken after all, as is the case in every artistic medium in existence.

I also tend to focus primarily on creating content first and foremost, with formatting and arbitrary rules being more of an afterthought than anything.  This probably wouldn’t be the case if I wrote for an ad-revenue generating clickbait site where content is largely an afterthought to merely posting anything in order to generate traffic and the ad revenue that comes with it.  If you write nothing but fluff pieces for a living, you better make sure your writing proficiency is at least up to snuff, because that’s all you have as a writer in your field.   I also tend to hold onto the idea that If you put all of your focus into following the rules of writing proficiency, but never develop your own writing style, and can’t entertain with your words, you aren’t a very good writer.  Clickbait sites are overflowing with people who write, yet aren’t very good writers.  How many of these folks would you actually buy a book from if they were to write one.  I can’t name one myself.  As a matter of fact, I can’t even name one author of a clickbait website article off the top of my head.

If you can actually write, nobody is going to nitpick minor typographical issues in your work.  Grammatical errors are one thing, but typographical errors aren’t true writing errors.  Typographical “errors” can be employed purposefully as a means of expression and style.  A great deal of poetry eschews typographical and structural norms, such as free verse.  I highly doubt that anyone griping over the usage of two spaces after a sentence would touch free verse poetry with a 10-foot (3.048 meter) pole however.  I, for one, enjoy when writing (or music, or art for that matter) bucks convention and does something creative and different.  If everyone is required, or chooses to write in the same rigid style, writing becomes stagnate and boring.  A writer could start using three spaces between each sentence, and it shouldn’t matter, as long as the content is there.  Maybe I’ll change up my style and start writing one word per line with double spacing between each line from this point on.

Hopefully, much like the author of this fluff article, I was able to adequately entertain via a lengthy piece about something completely trivial.  At least my site isn’t an A.D.H.D graphical layout abortion with ads, so you’re welcome for that at very least.

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It’s An Old House. Who Gives a Shit?

What is the deal with society and its ridiculous sentimentality when it comes to old buildings?  I can understand why a building might be designated as a historical location if someone who actually mattered and accomplished something had lived there at some point, like an Abraham Lincoln or Martin Luther King, but a lot of historical buildings are held onto merely for the fact that they’re a century old.  One hundred years is really an insignificant amount of time in the grand scheme of things.  A one hundred year old car is neat and historically relevant; a physical artifact of technological advancement through the ages.  A one hundred year old house is just musty-smelling wood that could catch fire at any moment, killing a family of four and their household pets.

I’ve lived in buildings that were 70 or 80 years old, and I’ve never thought to myself “Man I hope they never tear this building down.  This one sure is a keeper.”  If anything, while I’ve lived in older houses, I’ve spent the entire time wishing I lived in a house that wasn’t drafty and musty all the time.  A house that didn’t make me constantly smell like I’m somebody’s great-grandmother.  A house that didn’t get obnoxiously hot in the summer and uncomfortably cold during the winter.  A house that was closer to being from the same century that all my belonging inside the house were from.

That old house is sitting on top of rocks that are hundreds of millions of years old.  Nobody gives a shit about all those old-ass rocks though.  Jesus Christ or King Tut might have picked up one of those rocks and given it a little smooch.  Dinosaurs might have played a friendly game of kick-the- rock using those very stones.  What has more value historically: a rock that Jesus lovingly held in his possession or a house that a few generations of complete nobodies sat around in doing nothing of any relevance.  Lumber doesn’t pick up much in the way of intrinsic value the older it gets unless it’s from an endangered species of tree.  Old, peeling lead-based paint isn’t much of a hot commodity on the buyers market either I would assume.

So why does society care enough about old-ass buildings as to spend serious money to preserve or move them?  After months of tireless research though professionally-bound tomes on the subject, and countless interviews, I’ve managed to find a definitive answer to this question.  That answer being: because society are a bunch of stupid dummies.  They like to hold onto old garbagey things, due to their love of rare, antique things.  It’s an extension of their love of other worthless old things, like vinyl records, vintage clothing and their grandparents.  They’d just assume cling to their dial-up connections and baud rates, rather than get with the times and cop that speedy Comcast broadband for downloading all those booby pictures lickety-split.

So in conclusion, old houses are dumb.  If you live in an old house you are dumb.  I live in an old house, therefore I’m dumb, but I’ve come to accept that.  Cassette tapes are dumb.  Penny loafers are dumb.  Crab grass is fairly dumb.  Argyle is a dumb pattern, unless it’s on socks, in which case stop being in a ska band please.  Toast is a dumb form for bread to be in.  Stop being crispy… nobody likes you  Casseroles are dumb.  Quiche is dumb, but everyone knows that, obviously.  The color chartreuse is so dumb, I’m not even going to explain.  Toothpicks are dumb.  Butterknives are dumb.  Cinder blocks are so dumb, it’s making me quite angry to be frank with you.  Cauliflower is dumb, as are cork boards.  Don’t even get me started on how dumb beehives are, and this article is so dumb that it just about infuriates me to the point where I want to start breaking things.

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10 Words That Are Sexist

I have to get something off my chesticles.  And while it’s true that I could just write all this down in my diary, where it more than likely belongs, I’m going to be brave and choose instead to post in on an internet blog for 14 people to read.  Sometimes in life you have to be a maverick and really put it all on the line to bring about change.  I wake up every morning in a cloudy bed of sunshine rays, only to have my day turned to a dismal swamp brought on by the oppressive patriarchal society I was born into.  You have no idea what it’s like to live in a world where I make less for the work I do [citation needed], a world where I am oppressed sexually [citation needed], a world where my voice isn’t heard [citation needed].  Well thanks to the power of blogger™, my voice can be heard loud and clear.

In this post, I am going to complain enlighten you about a handful of words in the English language that are totally sexist.  Men probably invented them all, so what do you expect.  It’s common knowledge that the ones who come up with the language tip it in their favor through all sorts of subtle misogyny [citation needed].  So read on and perhaps I can educate you as to the grave injustice in the following words so that I can feed my ego the world will become a better, more enlightened place.

 

Sunglasses – Excuse me…  Hello?  When that large glowing ball of light is blinding me, what is it I have to grab and put on my face?  Sunglasses?  Are you for serious?  Or course something a male invented would have a manword in the title.  From now on, when the sun is in my eyes, I’m going to put on a pair of daughterglasses.  While we’re at at, from now on the Sun shall be known as the Daughter.  All in the name of equality.  Praise me!

Hysterectomy –  Where do I even begin?  This word is a medical procedure that only women can have, yet it has “his” right there at the front.  This is so typical of the oppressive male dominated medical field.  Could anything possibly be more sexist and oppressive?  For shame.  From this point forward, the word shall be “hersterectomy” instead.  You’re welcome world, for all my hard work and sacrifice.

Hymen –  Seriously…  Men don’t even have a hymen, and yet “men” is right there in the word.  Maybe it’s there because men are in control of women’s genitals and productive rights.  Well no more I say!  From this point forth, the hymen shall be known as the hywomen.  Every doctor from this point forth shall make the necessary changes to their medical books or I’ll write an exposé on Salon.com.  Praise my humanitarianism!

Hispanic – *sigh*  You Latin American-y types have some explaining to do.  Last time I checked, half of the population was female, yet your designated ethnonym has “His” in it.  That is muy sexista and you should feel muy avergonzado. (that means “ashamed” in Spanish.  Come on people, lets try to be a little more respectful of other people’s cultures and learn some other languages.)  I propose that in the name of equality, Hispanics from this point forward be called Herspanics.  De nada!

Boycott –  Of course!  Yet another word that men invented to empower men.  I think that we need to boycott this word by changing it to “girlcott”.  Or perhaps we should “girlcott” this word by changing it to “girlcott”.  Wait.  I’m confused now.  Let’s just consider me a Saint and move on to the next word.

Sonogram –  Here we go again.  This is so wrong I can’t even…  Only women get sonograms, and once again “son” is prominently at the beginning of this word.  Men don’t even have children (don’t even get me started) and yet here we have another sexist word.  Let’s say a woman gets a sonogram and is blessed to find out she is going to have a daughter and not a son (blech!).  Wouldn’t that logically be a daughtergram?  So let’s change that word and better the world.  You’re welcome.

Sheep –  Oh no you didn’t!  The term sheep usually refers to mindless people who follow along without question.  So why does this offensive word have “she” in it.  Shouldn’t we drop that “s” and turn it into heep?  Society not changing this word implies that women are mindless followers and that isn’t right.  Stop being heeple and drop that “s” in the name of equality.

Herpes –  Come on!  Really?  Scientists (male no doubt) were allowed to name a sexually transmitted disease, and half the word is a pronoun for a woman?  Could you be any more obvious?  Because women are the cause of all STDs or something?  Well I have the cure for this disease.  Rename it Hispes, take a little equality, and don’t call me in the morning.

Manhole –  Typical. Of course a man is going to name something after his own orifices.  I’m surprised flagpoles aren’t called manpoles or something like that.  Well luckily for the world I have a solution to this manproblem.  We’ll just call them womanholes.  Woman holes are the life-giving holes after all.  Man holes are just worthless and stupid anyway.  Problem solved.  I’m great.

Man – The most sexist word of them all.  OF COURSE a man would refer to himself as a man.  All the words in the English language you could choose to call yourself and you go and pick the most misogynistic one.  Fortunately, I have a simple solution to this grave injustice.  All you have to do it call yourselves women from now on.  Then we can all be equal.  Yay me!

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Ten Tips To a Successful Country Career

If you’re currently reading this shoddily-written article, that can only mean one thing.  You are an aspiring contemporary country musician who’s been scouring the internet looking for advice on how to “make it”, “break out”, and “become successful” amongst other things oft-seen between quotation marks.  Well good news there, future country music superstar, because you came to the right place.  Consider the following to be the holy grail of foolproof advice on the topic of achieving multi-platinum status in the cutthroat genre of country music.

 

1)  Wear a cowboy hat at all times.  No exceptions.  Don’t work on a farm or wrangle cattle in any capacity?  It doesn’t matter.  Don’t live in or around any of the dusty southern sunny states?  It doesn’t matter.  Even if you’re a country artist from Providence, Rhode Island who works in data entry for a living, slap on that cowboy hat and look the part.  The fans won’t know the difference.  Write a few songs about trucks or beer and your background won’t even come into question.

2)  Always drive a truck.  Always drive an American made truck.  Either be behind the wheel of a Ford or a Chevy, or don’t be behind the wheel of anything at all.  Your career would be better off if you walked everywhere instead of driving one of those foreigner devil-mobiles.  If possible, try to drive a truck that’s twice as large as anything you’d ever realistically need.  Functionally is of no concern here.  Even though you’re an upwardly mobile Nashvillian, you need to project that working-class vibe, or they’ll see right through the ruse.

3)  Never get caught drinking a micro brew of any sort.  It doesn’t matter if that craft IPA tastes better than shitty mass-produced piss-water, it’s bad P.R. if you’re seen holding it.  Always stick to the uncultured, bland classics.  After all, Budweiser or Miller will most likely be sponsoring something you do during the course of your career.  You don’t wanna bite the hand that feeds you.

4)  Always go out of your way to show support for the troops.  Don’t know anything about the current situation wherever it is we’re fighting this week?  It doesn’t even matter.  Don’t even know whether or not we’re currently engaged in a war with some third-world country with a GDP less than South Dakota.  Guess what?  It doesn’t matter.  Always support the troops even if you don’t know what’s going on, which being a contemporary country artist, you more than likely won’t.  Always play it safe.  You can’t spell country without “safe”.

5)  Always project blue-collar.  Even if you work in a cubicle and have never done a day of manual labor your entire life.  Even if you sell 10 million albums and buy a mansion in the Hollywood Hills, still continue to project working-class in your lyrics and lifestyle.  Even though modern country music is about as far from working class as you can possibly get, tell everyone your daddy worked in a coal mine and that your grandma was a truck driver.  The fans will get behind things they can relate to, even if that relation is a fabricated construct.

6)  Don’t be a gay person.  There are no gay people in country music.  Just like how there are no gay people in Iran or the Russian city of Sochi.  Nobody wants to hear a gay person singing about pickup trucks and jukeboxes.  Everybody knows that gay people are into Broadway musicals, bondage gear, and women’s golf.  None of those topics make for good country songs.  You can be a butch tomboy or an alarmingly metrosexual dude, but never be gay.  At very least, stay in the closet like the countless country stars who currently are.

7)  Never be too pro-foreigner.  Never mind the fact that pretty much everyone in the United States comes from a lineage of foreigners anyway.  You have to feed into the ignorance of blind nationalism if you really want to hit your target demographic.  Always hold yourself up as superior to the weak French, the commie Russians, or the illegal Mexicans.  It doesn’t matter if 15% of your demographic is functionally illiterate and can’t point to these countries on a map.  Keep the intolerance train a-rollin’.  It’s not your job to be an educator or to lead by example.

8)  Always adopt a drawl.  You cannot be country and sound like Little Tony from Brooklyn or Jimmy James from Boston.  Larry The Cable Guy speaks with a fake accent and made it to the top without being questioned, and you can too.

9)  Make sure you big-up Jesus.  A good deal of your target audience resides in the God-fearing communities, and once again, you have a demographic you need to reach.  You don’t need to actually go to church or to have read any of the bible for this one.  Simply allude to God or a creator when discussing your talents or rise to success, and make sure to name-drop the big guy in your liner notes.  Mission accomplished.

10)  Ignore all of the above information, because thanks to Taylor Swift, you can be a teenybopper from Pennsylvania who writes tepid predictable radio pop songs and still somehow manage be successful on the country charts.

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Monkeys Are Just Really Lazy People.

Growing up, I always thought monkeys were cool.  They’re animals, but they’re also kind of like little crazy hairy people too.  They have super-strong ‘tard strength, and get to throw their poop at everything without ever getting into any trouble for doing so.  How cool is that?  I always wanted be a monkey so I could flip over cars and hurl my poopie logs at people’s domes.  That sounds like the best life ever.

Now that I’m a fully-fledged adult however, I’ve come to the realization that monkeys are just extremely worthless lazy people.  Think about it.  Humans and modern monkeys evolved from a common ancestor at some period in the past.  Yet look where we are and look where they are.  We invented hamburgers, microchips, and Playstation 4.  What have monkeys invented?  Since throwing poop doesn’t count as an invention, their tally stands at zero.  Monkeys haven’t invented a damn thing.  Millions of years and they haven’t done shit in all that time.  No monkey iPhones or monkey dubstep music.  NOTHING.

In a few million years time, humans have become geniuses who have harnessed the powers of the cosmos to create energy, and even leave the Earth to visit other celestial destinations.  In the same amount of time, monkeys have gotten better at flinging doodoo and getting humans to dress them in overalls and give them free food.  That is literally all they have accomplished.  Over a million years have passed and they haven’t even harnessed fire or invented the wheel yet.  Think about how long of a time span a million years is.  We went from using the horse and buggie to creating vehicles that can achieve speeds greater than mach one in a little over one hundred years time.  We’ve gone from using horses to deliver messages taking upwards of two weeks, to being able to text someone instantly via phone in less than 150 years.  In a million years, monkeys have gotten 4% better at throwing their shit at things.  Attention everybody *clink clink* Can we get a round of applause for the monkeys?

Serious though… If any monkeys are reading this, or if anyone who’s reading this has friends who are monkeys, it’s time to step it up guys.  You’ve spent more than enough time sitting around, pooping on yourselves, eating bananas and not doing much else.  It’s time to start evolving and getting some work done out there.  Invent some stuff already.  It doesn’t even need to be anything that involves electronics or complex metal alloys.  Figure that whole fire thing out and invent some neat collapsible pots or something.  Come up with anything.  We’ve got spaceships.  You found a stick you use to poke into the ground and get ants.  Unacceptable.  IT’S BEEN OVER A MILLION YEARS!  You can do so much better.  So step your game up and start contributing to society for once.  Catch you on the flip side.

Dunston