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Buzzfeed Is The Bucky Larson Of News Sites

Let’s get one thing out of the way right now.  I can’t help but feel a little dirty in making fun of BuzzFeed™.  It kind of feels like making fun of somebody with Down’s Syndrome, or someone who shits their pants on the regular.  It’s so easy to do that it feels wrong.  That being said, I’m going to follow through and make fun of it anyway, because that’s just what I do.

For anyone who actually has a life has been living under a rock, BuzzFeed™ is a pop-culture entertainment site that has continued to grow as the Earth’s collective IQ has dropped.  This is one of those sites that posts endless sensational click-bait articles and half-baked top ten lists.  To be fair, they also post other useful and intellectual fare like cat videos and online quizzes as well though.  I’m not trying to short-change anybody here.

Bucky Larson, on the other hand, is a character from one of the stupidest movies ever created by mankind, called Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star.  It’s so bad that it has a 0% fresh (codeword for watchable) rating on Rotten Tomatoes.  It also current has an IMDB score of 3.3, which is lower than both The Room, and a movie called The Abortion.  People would rather watch an abortion than Bucky Larson, to put it into perspective.  I would rather watch Bucky Larson than actually visit BuzzFeed™ for any reason other than to feel better about my own intellectual capacity, or to do research for an article called BuzzFeed Is The Bucky Larson Of News Sites.  This paragraph probably wasn’t necessary, but I needed to justify the title of the article, and liked it too much to change it.  Moving on…

BuzzFeed™ is one of those websites that nonintellectuals repeatedly repost articles from on social media, when they want to make a “point”, but can’t muster the brain power to actually formulate a sentence or two on their own.  It’s essentially the digital equivalent of pointing at something and grunting.  When you can’t actually use your “words” to explain your side of a given discussion, simply copy-pasting a link and hitting the “post” button seems to be the go-to these days.  Heaven forbid you actually think about any one topic long enough to write a rational, cognizant idea on the subject.

I’m perfectly fine with BuzzFeed™ existing as a time-wasting, entertainment entity, but the part of me with an IQ greater than a bundt cake takes issue with it trying to brand itself in any way as a “news” site.  Negro, you are not a news site.  Taking a look at your homepage right now, I’m seeing articles such as: “15 Diarrhea Horror Stories That’ll Make You Feel Better About Yourself”, “What Flavor Of Starburst Are You?”, and “You Have To See This Weird Cake That Looks Like a Blob of Water”.  I didn’t make a single one of those up.  Not only that, but I actually had trouble narrowing it down to three idiotic article titles to post.  The site is so chock full of moronic, pointless content that it’s almost overwhelming to visit. 

It’s no more a news site than a print paper like the National Enquirer or The Sun.  They all exist simply to bring in revenue and achieve higher viewership, and not to actually educate and inform.  Just take a look at the navigation bar prominently displayed at the top of the BuzzFeed™ home page.  It looks like something you’d find on the Nickelodeon website or some other page directed at 9 year-olds:

BuzzFeedNavBarSeriously though.  How many other “news” sites do you go to that have a “LOL” or “fail” button for navigation?  None, because no credible news site would pander this much to the middle school-minded meme generation.  They should add a few more buttons like “fart” and “doh”.  Perhaps a navigation bar that looks like this:

BuzzFeedBarThat’s more like it!

Granted, the people getting their “news” from a site like BuzzFeed™ generally aren’t the most educated and rational people in the demographic.  It’s not like there aren’t hundreds of other actual news sites you can visit that don’t have articles like “9 Surprisingly Fun Things To Do With Your Boobs” on them anywhere.  This site has no less than 50 articles that revolve around astrology archived on it for gosh sakes.  Is this the site you’re going to rely on for reporting all the hard hitting news to you in a well researched manner?  If so, your mother probably ingested bleach while she was pregnant with you.

I’m sure I’ll write another post about BuzzFeed™ in the future, but BuzzFeed™ will have posted another 15 articles about poop, and 93 more numbered list fluff articles by then.  They gotta keep their journalistic standards high to pay those bills, after all.  So keep doing you, BuzzFeed™.  People with overpriced English degrees who can’t land real jobs will always need a place to go to write articles with the word “fuck” in the title.  You’re doing the Lord’s work.  Godspeed.

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Monkeys Are Just Really Lazy People.

Growing up, I always thought monkeys were cool.  They’re animals, but they’re also kind of like little crazy hairy people too.  They have super-strong ‘tard strength, and get to throw their poop at everything without ever getting into any trouble for doing so.  How cool is that?  I always wanted be a monkey so I could flip over cars and hurl my poopie logs at people’s domes.  That sounds like the best life ever.

Now that I’m a fully-fledged adult however, I’ve come to the realization that monkeys are just extremely worthless lazy people.  Think about it.  Humans and modern monkeys evolved from a common ancestor at some period in the past.  Yet look where we are and look where they are.  We invented hamburgers, microchips, and Playstation 4.  What have monkeys invented?  Since throwing poop doesn’t count as an invention, their tally stands at zero.  Monkeys haven’t invented a damn thing.  Millions of years and they haven’t done shit in all that time.  No monkey iPhones or monkey dubstep music.  NOTHING.

In a few million years time, humans have become geniuses who have harnessed the powers of the cosmos to create energy, and even leave the Earth to visit other celestial destinations.  In the same amount of time, monkeys have gotten better at flinging doodoo and getting humans to dress them in overalls and give them free food.  That is literally all they have accomplished.  Over a million years have passed and they haven’t even harnessed fire or invented the wheel yet.  Think about how long of a time span a million years is.  We went from using the horse and buggie to creating vehicles that can achieve speeds greater than mach one in a little over one hundred years time.  We’ve gone from using horses to deliver messages taking upwards of two weeks, to being able to text someone instantly via phone in less than 150 years.  In a million years, monkeys have gotten 4% better at throwing their shit at things.  Attention everybody *clink clink* Can we get a round of applause for the monkeys?

Serious though… If any monkeys are reading this, or if anyone who’s reading this has friends who are monkeys, it’s time to step it up guys.  You’ve spent more than enough time sitting around, pooping on yourselves, eating bananas and not doing much else.  It’s time to start evolving and getting some work done out there.  Invent some stuff already.  It doesn’t even need to be anything that involves electronics or complex metal alloys.  Figure that whole fire thing out and invent some neat collapsible pots or something.  Come up with anything.  We’ve got spaceships.  You found a stick you use to poke into the ground and get ants.  Unacceptable.  IT’S BEEN OVER A MILLION YEARS!  You can do so much better.  So step your game up and start contributing to society for once.  Catch you on the flip side.

Dunston

 

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Marginal Story Time: Dorm Bathroom Urinal Poop

Many years ago I attended what you might call “university” in England.  In the United States, it’s referred to as “college”, aka a potential waste of someone’s money and/or a good way to take years off the lifespan of your liver.  I was a Computer Science major at the time.  That certainly sounds like an ambitious major that is sure to make somebody a small fortune and cause ladies to come flocking.

During my tenure at this “college” I lived in a “dormitory”.  It really was a dormitory on the campus, I just enjoy putting things between quotation marks.  While living in this “dormitory” I used to do school work, but most of the time I used to do very little school work while putting a lot of work into being inebriated.  My dorm was pretty slow in the action department, so I would head off to other areas of the campus where my friends lived, in order to jam out with my clam out.

Late one night after getting back from hanging out and partying at one of these other dorms, I decided that I would go use the restroom facilities, as one tends to do from time to time.  I go into the stall in this “restroom”, and as is to be expected, there is a large doodoo log hanging out and relaxing to the max right in the toilet.  Evidently they don’t teach you about flushing the toilet in college.  Maybe that’s a skill you learn in graduate school.

After being appalled and saddened for the future of America and my peers’ ability to correctly handle their business, I come up with a funny idea.  I decide to scoop up this big bad dookie with the plunger next to the toilet and go deposit it in one of the urinals.  This probably wouldn’t seem that funny to most people, but my reasoning at the time was that someone would go to use the urinal the next morning and see the fecal beast floating there, and come to the logical conclusion that somebody had actually used the urinal to make due with a number two.  Needless to say, I felt highly accomplished, and was giggling to myself like a little girl at this point.  I brushed my teeth, then headed off to bed and had sweet dreams of a bright future.

I get up the next morning and go to the restroom.  Much to my dismay, my handiwork is nowhere to be seen.  It’s still fairly early in the morning, so I assume that somebody took care of the log before anyone else on the floor had the chance to be greeted by the urinal intruder.  At this point I feel crushed and defeated in a way that nobody can understand, save for an Olympic athlete who just missed out on the gold by a hundredth of a second.

A few nights later, our floor has the weekly “floor meeting” with the Resident Advisor.  A bunch of obvious and forgettable things are discussed, which everyone in attendance no doubt forgot about within the hour.  The R.A. ends by asking if anyone else has anything to add.  One of the guys chimes in: “If it’s at all possible, could people please refrain from taking dumps in the urinal?”  A bunch of other folks mumble and laugh about having seen the spectacle that glorious morning, and I have to act surprised myself, as to not give away my part in the deed.  On the inside however, I’m delighted and entertained to no end.  I had just won the gold medal by a nose and am standing on the podium, basking in the glowing adoration of millions.

I never told anyone on the floor of the reality behind the urinal poop though, because I get great joy in life from the thought of people never really knowing the truth behind something bizarre or funny.  I am entertained by the idea of somebody, somewhere being reminded, then potentially telling someone else about how some dude took a dump in the urinal back in the day when they were in college.  If I had told everybody, the magic would have been ruined for me and Santa would have ceased to exist.

You just read a story about an adult putting feces into a urinal, and I apologize for that.  The end.