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My Vacation Photos.

Hay guys!  I just got back from a vacation to the Congo.  I saw so many great things there.  Luckily I had a camera on me, and took some pictures.  Take a look.  Hope you enjoy them!

Finger Flowers

Look at these flowers!  I think they are endangered or something.  They’re called Sildenafil.  The ancient Romans used to use them to make canoes or something like that.  How cool!

Finger Waterfall

Look at this sweet waterslide!  The tour guide said that the Aborigines built it in 1643 for use as a tourist attraction.  They did a good job, because it attracted me enough to take a photo!  LOL!

Finger Urination

I ran into a native who was on a walkabout.  He appeared to be in a meditative trance.  He was whistling a sweet tune of his home village, and there was a twinkling ethereal sound.  Pretty magical!

Finger Seagull

Look at this crazy bird right here!  Guess he’s some sort of exotic prehistoric Condor or something.  He was striking fear into my heart, but I stood my ground and then he soared off into the sunset.

Finger Windmill

Would you look at this!  I believe it’s some sort of ancient airship building or something.  It landed right next to a bunch of old people and dog poop.  I wonder how many dragons it’s fought?

Finger Groundhog

What on earth is this guy doing?  I think it’s that guy from the Taco Bell commercials, but then he got scared of the airship, and now he’s hiding down in that hole until he can go back to collecting nickels.  ROFLMAO!

Finger Fishtank

Look at all these pretty fish and leaves!  The ocean sure is a beautiful place.  I wish I could live there, but I can’t breathe in the water, and there’s no place to plug my Sega in down there!  Darn it!

Welp, that’s it you guys.  Hope you enjoyed my photos.  Maybe I’ll post more the next time I go on vacation to some exotical location.  Catch you later!

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I Wrote Some New Bruno Mars Songs!

Hey guys.  I have some great news!  I just cracked the code to Bruno Mars’ songwriting prowess!

You see, what he does is write songs pandering to female sensibilities.  It’s a genre we’ll refer to as “panty drop” from here on out.   It has very little artistic merit outside of making young insecure girls swoon.  It’s the song equivalent of a chick flick.  Nobody sits down and artistically writes a song about how much they want to marry someone else, after all.  Unless they are artistically trying to write a song aimed at a particular demographic that is sure to artistically make them a ton of money.

I wrote these in about 45 minutes, which I’m sure is way longer than it takes Bruno Mars to write 3 songs, but that’s why he makes the big bucks and gets scores of high school girls.

 

That Dress (Doesn’t Make You Look Fat)

I was sitting on the couch the other day
Watching the Young and Restless
She walked into the room
Wearing one of her new dresses
She had a tear in her eye
As she sat by the cat
She was ultra sad
Because she thought she looked fat

[Chorus:]
Girl you’re not fat
You’re the skinniest in the world
So eat whatever you like
There’s no need for you to hurl
And also, I wanna marry you

I went out to Olive Garden
I was eating fettuccini
She sat there all alone
Crying in her linguine
I asked her what was up
She look at me with doe-eyes
Said that she’s not hungry
Cause she’s concerned about her size

[Chorus:]
Girl you’re not fat
You’re the skinniest in the world
So eat whatever you like
There’s no need for you to hurl
And also, I wanna marry you

whoa whoa whoa yeah
yeah yeah (marry you)

[Chorus:]
Girl you’re not fat
You’re the skinniest in the world
So eat whatever you like
There’s no need for you to hurl
And also, I wanna marry you (twice)

whoa yeah whoa
yeah whoa yeah

 

Your Cooking Is The Best (In The Universe)

I like you way the break those eggs
I like the way you make soufflés
I like the way you make foudue
I think I wanna marry you

[Chorus:]
Girl your cookin’ is the best
Everything you make is great
I love your mac and cheese
And you’re perfect in every way

I like the cereal you make
I like everything you bake
Everything about you is perfect
All those other girls are fake

[Chorus:]
Girl your cookin’ is the best
Everything you make is great
I love your grilled cheese sandwiches
And you’re perfect in every way

You’re so amazing
You get my heart racing
I think I wanna marry you
Because of your great baking

[Chorus:]
Girl your cookin’ is the best
Everything you make is great
I love your scrambled eggs
And you’re perfect in every way

whoa whoa whoa
oh oh oh (you’re perfect)
whoa whoa whoa

 

The Notebook is My Favorite Movie Too

Let’s watch a movie, girl
Just you and me
Let’s curl up on the couch
In front of the TV
Don’t want an action movie
Or a comedy
Let’s cry together
Just you and me

[Chorus:]
It’s Friday night
Tell me what you wanna do
Don’t wanna hang out with the guys
Let’s watch The Notebook
Just me and you

So cook up some quiche
And mix up some daiquiris
Grab a box of tissues
Sit on the couch with me
Get under the blanket
Turn on the tube
Let’s do this girl
The Notebook is my favorite movie too

whoa whoa whoa (whoa)
yea yea (Notebook)
whoa whoa whoa (whoa)

[Chorus:]
It’s Friday night
Tell me what you wanna do
Don’t wanna hang out with the guys
Let’s watch The Notebook
Just me and you

yea yea yea
oh oh oh (marry me)
yea yea yea
oh oh oh (you’re perfect)

 

So there you have it.  If you’re reading this, Atlantic Records, you can hire me to ghost write.  I can throw 3 or 4 four chords together and slather on some auto-tune and we’ll be in business.  Let’s strike while the iron’s hot and make some of that easy money.  Hit me up.  PEACE!

 

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Seriously Though. Cassettes?

Emaciated Press  –  September 24 2013

 

Fixed-Gear Records has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. Says founder Stu Gilbert: “I don’t know what happened, man. We had our finger firmly on the pulse of youth culture, and were preparing to ride a wave of success into the future. Then we got stuck with 30,000 cassette resissues. I don’t know what happened. We were 2 weeks away from reissuing Rusted Muffler’s legendary debut album on 8-Track, and were also in talks to press Black Midget’s latest release on 78 RPM. Needless to say, that won’t be happening now.”

Fixed-Gear Records had flourished for nearly 4 years in the heart of downtown Portland near Starbucks franchise #13,867 and the city’s 43rd largest bicycle shop, which served as inspiration for it’s name.  Mr. Gilbert decided to start a record company after getting heavily into vinyl a year prior.  “I, like, loved vinyls, man.  I liked how they had twice as many sides as a CD, but were, like, so much bigger.  Problem is, nowadays kids are all into MP3s and those aren’t even big, and like, they don’t even have any sides.  It’s a friggin’ shame.”

So what’s next for Mr. Gilbert? “I think I’m going become a haberdasher.  Or maybe even a blacksmith.  One of those old-timey professions of some sort.  I wish I was born in 1849.  People back then were so original.” He then proceeded to groom his mustache in a hand-held mirror for the next 10 minutes, and we were left to see ourselves out of the hollowed halls of Fixed-Gear Records.

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Oh, Hi. I Didn’t See You There. Come In.

If you’re reading this, that means you’ve somehow stumbled upon this site.  I don’t know how you did it, but congratulations.  There are almost a billion websites out there, but here you are.  You could be watching cat videos or buying sausage right now.  I don’t have either of those things on this site yet, but bear with me.

This site merely serves as a dump for my brain.  There are a lot of things up there that I have to get out, and I figure it’s better to post them on here so that Earth (or other sentient beings) can enjoy, and benefit from them, rather than letting them go to waste.  You’re welcome, Earth.

There will be no general theme to this site.  Some posts might be serious; the vast majority assuredly won’t be.  The lack of a central theme guarantees that the site will never be successful and will only appeal to 0.01% of the population at any given time.  I’m fine with that though.  I don’t even care, man.  Apathy is cool.  Whatever.