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Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter #5

Ugh…  It’s time for me to post one of these filler posts again.  I’m not sure if anybody besides me even finds any of this stuff funny, but that didn’t matter on the other two dozen posts so far, so why would it stop me now.  The only person who really reads this site is my stalker, and he’s not gonna leave any feedback, because doing so would impede his ability to murder me one day and make a tuxedo out of my flesh that he’ll wear to Comic Con when he tries to get Louie Anderson to sign his Louie Anderson cankle tattoo.  But I digress…  on with the show.

 

1) The government should offer tax breaks to people who buy Priuses, then leave them in their garage, so they don’t run over and kill anybody.

2) I’m going to start a humane seafood restaurant where I place a pillow over the lobster’s faces and snuff them out before boiling them.

3) I subscribed to GQ magazine the other day, because I don’t have t.v., but still want to have to sit through advertisements for hours..

4) What would George Orwell think of social media.  People go out of their way to tell everybody everywhere they go and everything they do.

5) The government should offer tax breaks to people who buy BMWs, then sterilize themselves, so they don’t create douchey entitled offspring.

6) Mustaches are great for when you want half the food you try to put into your mouth to go to waste.

7) I love going to a concert, realizing I’ve lost one of my ear plugs, then needing to flip a coin to see which ear gets saved that night.

8) I love when rappers wear $10,000 gold chains, but have album packaging that looks like it cost 37 cents to print off at Kinkos.

9) Martin Luther King Jr would never have been able to play Grand Theft Auto 5, because he had a Dreamcast.

10) I took a trip to Africa and saw signs that said “Free Nelson Mandela”.  I don’t know what that is, but if it’s free I’m down to try it out.

#BeatingADeadHorse  #HelloStalker

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Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter #3

Remember back in the day when everybody used to use that site called Twitter, which was essentially glorified internet phone texting for people with sub-standard English skills?  Wait…  That site still exists.  Well, if my IQ were low enough to use it, these are things I would post:

1) I’m gonna open up a Broga studio.  It’s for dudes who wanna get their stretch on, but don’t like to eat brussel sprouts and drive Priuses.

2) Am I indecisive?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I really don’t know.  Let me think about it for a bit.

3) I like to play a game whilst reading through online comments sections called: “Foreign or retarded”.

4) “Bleaching your whites” sounds like something that should qualify as a hate crime.

5) I’d enjoy Labor Day more if it were renamed “No-Labor Day”.

6) If I had to describe the internet to someone, I’d have to say: “Stupid people calling other stupid people stupid from behind computers”.

7) Somebody “not agreeing” with a gay person’s life style is a funny thought.  Like not agreeing with somebody being Asian.

8) An iPad sounds like something you’d use to stop your WikiLeaks.

9) Thanks to Miley Cyrus, everytime I see a Kraftwerk album I instinctively read the name as Kraf-Twerk.

10) I think the best magicians all used to be mobsters.  Why else would they be so good at making people disappear?

#PoundSign #SomeonesPhoneNumber

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Things I Would Post On Twitter If I Used Twitter

I don’t have a Twitter account.  I will most likely never have a twitter account.  There are many reasons for this, one of which being that Twitter is retarded and completely pointless.  If I ever did have a twitter account (which is highly unlikely), I would probably post the following things:

 

1) If there’s ever a drug called God, you’re going to have to smoke it or snort it, because you definitely can’t take it in vein.

2) I love when artists say their albums are meant to be listened to on vinyl.  Directors never say their movies are meant to be watched on VHS.

3) Quothing? That’s so Raven.

4) Parsley, sage, rosemary, and ain’t nobody got thyme for dat.

5) Whatever happened to skeeting?  That seemed to be all the rage a few years ago.

6) After ordering lunch today, I noticed the server’s name was “Tempest”. I figure she used to be either a stripper or an American Gladiator.

7) Is NSFW content safe for work if your job is in the porn industry?

8) In addition to alcohol and caffeine, Four Loko should have also contained a reproductive sterilization agent.

9) Anybody remember when dubstep was a thing?  Oh… wait.  This is one of my jokes for next year.

10) Why do musicians thank God in their liner notes?  Is he gonna buy your CD and get amped when he opens it up at home and sees his name?

 

#DontForgetThisNonsense  #TheEnd